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+---- Thread: Rafiq al-Hazmi (/showthread.php?tid=477)
RE: [Pending] Rafiq al-Hazmi - Spitfire333 - 14-03-2014
No worries.
RE: [Pending] Rafiq al-Hazmi - SentaiPink - 14-03-2014
Good work on the revisions. If you want to highlight changes that may streamline my next update a bit. But either way, I've a few things still standing out to me.
- I'm afraid your mentioning of lore events isn't sufficient lore relation. The back story doesn't actually include how the civil wars affected their home or how the boys operated at all. Of the lore events, the civil war would have had the most notable impact given it occurred throughout most of Rafiq's life. Please revise to include more relevance to this event and some impact on their lives and their home.
Quote:Haussam showed Rafiq a few other instruments similar to the rebab that he had collected in his travels. There was the morin khuur, the ehru, the violin, the masenqo, and many others. He learned to play many of these in his spare time around the fire, as he soon realized they were all very similar.
Please revise this to fit the skill revisions that have been made.
- The way time passes during the first caravan is inconsistent. In one passage you state 'several weeks' before they made their move and later state it was well over a year. Could you please clarify or correct this?
RE: [Pending] Rafiq al-Hazmi - Spitfire333 - 16-03-2014
I fixed one and two in yellow.
I'm not su
re what you're talking about in the third one. It was several weeks after they joined that they started to learn to speak in the common accent. It was about a year before they stole all the goods.[/color]
RE: [Pending] Rafiq al-Hazmi - SentaiPink - 20-03-2014
Thank you for your patience. Your application is Approved. Would you like me to move this to Character Sheets?
RE: [Approved] Rafiq al-Hazmi - Spitfire333 - 20-03-2014
Si, per favore.