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+---- Thread: [Trashed] Verti's Application (/showthread.php?tid=50)
Re: [Pending] Verti's Application - SentaiPink - 27-02-2013
Hi there! I'm Pinkie! Remember me? :D I'm here to help with your app! You're getting there, but theres still some things that need to be worked out. I really recommend re-reading the last age, it never hurts to have one last look before making revisions.
1. You have the wars mixed up. So please adjust the back-story accordingly, the story as a whole could still use more lore relation and depth overall.
2. Age/skills
you have her start whittling at six and supposedly selling these creations by 8. If my math is correct, you only account for about 12 years, and those years are showing a lot of advancement with a very difficult skill (Bowering and fletching). I would recommend looking over what you have for her age and when these event occur to make them a little more realistic. Generally someone her age probably would only be able to make very simple bows and arrows.
3. While you mention what your characters personality is, you don't offer much in the way of explanation, stating she's got a 'stone-cold heart' yet she behaves in a manor that's carefree and whimsical, perhaps some insight into why she is the way she is, how this contradiction to her character even works. Perhaps some more insight into her upbringing and parents would help as well.
4. You have to account for her coming to the forbidden lands, but she wouldn't be arriving in a town. I don't think. To be honest, where she arrives will depend on when she's accepted, so its best to keep that vague.
Keep at it, I'm sure we can get this worked out!
Re: [Pending] Verti's Application - Vertified_Valid - 27-02-2013
I thought the War of the Veld was the very last civil war? And she is fourteen. First off, 'After six years of a normal life..' she is seven, due to the 'When Justalyne was one....' Six years later makes her seven. Then 'This continued for four years.' Would make her eleven in which I must have made a mistake with her being a year old during the ward of the veld so she would indeed be 15. Also, she had caught on slowly, which cold mean anywhere from months to years because of the time span and it could be plausible for a girl of 11 to attempt to make bows and arrows. I think that's it. I will look over the app and lore once more just in case though.
Re: [Pending] Verti's Application - Vertified_Valid - 27-02-2013
Now I feel stupid. I just woke up so forgive me if I seem hard headed or ignorant. I will fix my Bio soo.
Re: [Pending] Verti's Application - Vertified_Valid - 27-02-2013
I edited it, she's in the wilderness so she could possibly be eaten by wolves or bears.
Re: [Pending] Verti's Application - SentaiPink - 28-02-2013
Hello again! looks like we need a bit more work here.
1. You are lacking lore relation. We require this, specify what war it was, how was her family kicked from their home? What happened to cause this ('greed' is far too vague)? How else did the wars effect her life growing up? Where did they settle? There is a lot here that needs covered, farther detail into her upbringing is necessary still.
2. Point 2 from before still applies. There seems to be a hiccup in either the math or her age, please correct this.
3. You need to proof read this, some of the application no longer makes sense or contradicts itself. A rewrite all together may make it easier to follow, as opposed to continued modifications which maybe whats causing this disjointedness.
This is the third review of this application, you may exhaust your chances and it maybe trashed if it is not up to standard upon final review. I recommend reading some accepted character applications on the old forum to get a idea of the sort of depth we're looking for. If your final attempt is declined you are still able to re-apply, but its recommended you do so with a new character and rewrite the application.