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+---- Thread: Remilia "Earthheart" Aspen (/showthread.php?tid=509)
RE: [NEW] Remilia "Earthheart" Aspen - Hutchy - 04-04-2014
Hey, Darkus, welcome back. Just leaving this here to let you know I've seen the app and will get back to you soon with feedback.
RE: [NEW] Remilia "Earthheart" Aspen - Dark - 05-04-2014
Ah, alright.
And thanks.
RE: [NEW] Remilia "Earthheart" Aspen - Hutchy - 06-04-2014
Hello again, Darkus. Sorry for the wait. Real life has a way of interfering at the worst times.
- ‘Most of the lineage had fallen around a devout course of knowledge. They were not well known for their acts and research however’ This seems contradictory. To obtain knowledge, research is necessary, even vital. Please elaborate or revise this.
- ‘She was to begin, instead of the home works of many, to be taught in the maths and sciences’ Why, if the woman are made to be housewives, is Remilia the exception to this rule? Please explain this.
- At the end of your backstory, it would seem that they stay in Auria, as there is no clear mention of them leaving town and finding Alroc, the new setting. Did you forget to post a section of the story? Please act on this problem.
- I recommend that you re-read the skill guide to balance the character’s skills. At 19, even after a life of study, she lacks the real-world experience/practice to advance her obtained knowledge. I would recommend that you lower the advanced skill to competent, at the very most.
- Additionally, the term ‘science’ is a very, very catchall term. There are more than 20 kinds of science that are studied, and would have been studied in the sort of time this setting is based on. Please tell us which science(s) she has studied specifically, and consider the level of this skill if needs be.
That's all for now. Bump the thread when you have finished edited and we can continue.
RE: [NEW] Remilia "Earthheart" Aspen - Dark - 06-04-2014
Ahh, alright North. It's fine, I'm a bit patient.
- I have gone ahead and made backstory bits clearer and explained through a few sentences. I initially thought it looked implied, but there you go. Changes are made in Yellow.
- Cartography has been reduced down to Competent. Science has been split into a couple of skills, appropriately ranked in skill.
- I Have added an actual bit where the ship actually stops at Alroc. Also in Yellow.
RE: [Pending] Remilia "Earthheart" Aspen - Hutchy - 08-04-2014
OK, big improvement, but there's one last thing.
'She was to begin, instead of the home works of many, to be taught in the maths and sciences as she was the only child of Simon.' It's still unclear how this makes a difference to what she's made to learn. Please add a little more clarification here.