[Zarkaylia]

2014-11-26

I didn’t have time to more than wander off the ship before I not only met a couple of new faces, but ended up having to get to work at once. Sadly, it was the old fisherman. He’d gotten himself arrested and was complaining about his time spent in the cell. I saw no harm in letting him out, but he got nasty quickly. After disarming Bishop and threatening to burn the boy, who escaped with use of his runes, I had to face the man. He refused to stand down and didn’t hold back. I tried to just subdue him, but it soon enough became clear that he was looking to die. He didn’t even take the offer to just walk off and never return and I offered him to at least twice. Fucking bastard. Yes, after a few minutes of fighting I killed him. There’s a lot of buts or what-ifs, but in the end if he was going to have someone kill him and would stop for nothing it may as well have been me. I ran him through and offered to make it quick, but he declined. Not much to do when a man's dying than to let him have his way.

I’ve left town for a few days now to meditate and think. I’m unsure how the situation’s best handled. And I’ve felt upset. What happened brings back memories. I wish I’d never been used in that way and I hate that it’s happened again.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I returned to town. There’s still a lot of work to do, including handling the man’s, Gilbert’s, last wish. As I’ve just returned from the Mainland there’s a lot to wrap my head around on top of the fact I need to figure how and/or when I’ll pay for what I did. So far, I’ve not ran into any reasonable person to discuss it with. There was this one girl that saw it all, a young Ko’ban woman named Hara, that came to my office. For wanting to get to know me she sure went full out with the harassments. I’ve understood she doesn’t like me at all, but one can’t please everyone. I believe her dislike comes from more than just what she witnessed me do, she in general appear to not like me from start. All from my person down to my age. She’s however a carpenter and those we need.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two other new residents in town are Jane, a little girl, and Cyn. I’m yet to run into either again, I met the two when I wandered of the ship the day I returned.

I had a word with Chathra and she’s helped me see a few more things regarding the situation. It’s true what I told Hara; we’re in such trouble now it’s a bad idea to stop me from working. However, it doesn’t mean I can’t try to balance both a punishment and my work.

At first, I let Victor know that I’ll stay in a cell and get out under watch if needed. I can still work in there after all. Victor however wasn’t fond of the idea that I should be punished at all and even asked to be made guard captain in the process. He can’t have possibly thought I’d not see that it’d have been to use the position, I won’t have that. It’d be bad on all of us. Instead he convinced me it’s better I work the fields to help him out, which is a good idea, but I was reluctant to let it stay at that and not sleep in the cell. He however feared I’d ruin my back and knees if I sleep there which I suppose I found so thoughtful I decided to give in to his will. It’ll be my arrest for now till the rest of the guard come to an agreement if something else should be done.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Zarkaylia]

The work on the fields is hard but rather refreshing work at the end of the days. I enjoy work that keeps me going physically. Which makes me wonder how the Stars I ever came to end up an Elder in the end. No, I don't at all enjoy the paper work that does come with being Elder either, though I have to admit that I do my best to keep that at minimum and spend more time wandering about town or training. Or as of nowadays; work off my crimes against the town on the farm. I don't remember much of the days to be honest. I'm not sure why. But I do what I should, toil, and Victor gives me breaks now and then.

Our trade remains a fucking mess, now that we've had to take a loan I feel the strange echoing of our empty coffers I guess. Well, it's not as much our trade that's a mess as the economic situation I guess? I'm not so good with all that, thank Stars for Lapis. The mine remains to be cleared and the first harvest yet need time. We can get Zaira working the smithy soon, but I do fear she'll not have enough supplies to arrange all the equipment we need. It does seem she's gotten a possible helper, but I'm unaware of his skills so far.

Hara's made herself a name in town as the one running about calling everyone idiots, mindless or blind for following my 'rule'. I'm not so bothered at her problem with myself as I am at her calling the townsfolk names when they don't agree with her. Hopefully things will calm down.

I've given myself a few days' time to melt what's happened, regarding the old Xitian Gilbert that I killed and all that evolved around it. But it is about time that I see Lapis and tell her what's been going on. I've not even had the time to see her since I returned. I'll make sure to stop by the healing house tomorrow after I've done my job on the fields.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I had a word with Hector during the day before I went to see Lapis. It was rather enlightening, and worrying, as I wasn't aware that Lapis still thinks no one loves her. It's incorrect of course, and while it's easy for an old hag like myself to say that it should be rather clear that we do as her family, I'm well aware that one can forget. And may need a reminder now and then, a kind word or just encouragement. I kept it in mind when I went to see her.

I went there some time before dusk and she rather quickly noted my burn-scared arms and injured, misshaped hands. She's as always caring for me and again scolded me a little for not seeing her. I didn't know there was more to do, but I'll keep it in mind, again. I told her how I got the injuries, and of how her mother suffered severe burns too. We spoke for a little and with Hector's words in mind I decided to remind her of the offer to head out and bathe together. Considering how dirtied I was from a days of work Lapis figured we could head out to do just that.

We did have a pleasant time, I did enjoy that we spoke and just spent some time together. I don't get to do that often enough. I'd mentioned to her I lost my brush in Alroc and my hair was a mess. And there was little to do about it, at least I thought. She however figured that I could keep my hair gathered in braids decorated by the rings I carry. I rather liked the idea, reminded me of my nephew, and once we were done washing and she'd helped me with it that because I'm still a gods damned hare when it comes to being under water, we sat down and braided our hair. Hers were messy too, so she had same done to her hair. She did most the job, my hands are still not good with the delicate things. Lapis also gave me one bead that Copper had gave her, to put in my hair. I was told that Ezri carries beads as remembrance of people in her hair. I honestly wasn't aware and really should ask her about the stories behind them next we meet.

I told Lapis how I feel now that Orri have left. That I feel I have no one to really talk to, and how I feel alone in my own home. It's unfortunately true that I do... I can't talk very much with Spy and Estelle just doesn't seem to want to talk to me. At all. Which was the less pleasant part of our time together that night, I admitted all this to her and she let me know that Estelle fears she has her father's illness. And that Estelle doesn't want to tell me this and since she can't lie, she just doesn't talk. I barely know what to even write on this. Of course the thought that Estelle would be sick scares me too and makes me sad. Spy's not had an easy life living with his illness, people call him a madman and shun him, and I don't wish my daughter to have to live through that. But if she's ill, I'll be there to help her and support her of course. But for as long as she refuses to tell me, I can't even do that. And Lapis asked that I don't let Estelle know that I know of it. So my hands are still tied and I still can't speak to my daughter. It saddens me so much.

So, after describing the more pleasant bits of the evening lets just get to the shit that went down on our way back home. We'd been out a little long it appeared and on our way back a few dusks crossed our path. At first nothing at all to worry about, I decapitated an undead the way I always do to keep it from following and a spider jumping out of the trees for us I ran through before it landed. No, it was the damned skeleton archer that we couldn't spot at the treeline when we were almost back home that became the problem. We ran for it after the first arrow had missed and we couldn't spot where it came from, but unfortunately and to my own terror Lapis tripped on the skirt to her dress and an arrow hit her in the back. I decided I didn't want to risk that Lapis fell again and got hurt further, or that I got hurt as well trying to help her. I turned back, and after a little risky waiting to find where the arrow came from managed to find and slay the fucking beast.

I wasn't in luck that day either though, I hadn't more than slain the skeleton before I heard something behind me. A dark walker had appeared out of thin air and its blow was already on the way. I'd no time to turn and face it before its long claws tore long wounds from my right side up into my right shoulder blade. A violent and painful enough hit to send me staggering back and falling. I managed to recollect and get up to rid of it rather quickly, but fuck if I've ever had one of those get such a good hit on me. I can see how large enough injuries from those fuckers are enough to have even a large man as my late brother pass out in the end.

Suppose my brother was never a slave though, cause somehow I got my arse back to Lapis. She'd collapsed further up on the hill and she really wasn't looking good. She got rather badly wounded and while it scared the shit out of me I had no time for that. I tend to never have. I'd to go fetch Victor and Nerissa quickly and once I'd found the two at the farm and sent them along to the clinic, I got back up the hill to the clinic myself in... my own pace. I'm a bit too old to be running about up hills with open wounds in my side, I take all the gods damned time I want!

Once I got there they'd mostly tended to Lapis. The rest of what happened is a little blurry, I don't think I was very present due to the agonizing pain when Victor did his best to stitch me up. I don't think I've ever needed so many stitches at same time and never did I think I could actually set a new record again but I suppose it's me we're talking about. I rather not go through that again though, if I can help it.

Both Lapis and I are now resting and healing up at the clinic. I'm worried, she doesn't look well, but all I can do is lie here and stand the pain from my injuries. And rest I suppose. It's taken forever to write all this and it doesn't help my situation to write either. I'll rest, and perhaps wait a little with writing again to let myself heal. I doubt I'll be able to do any fighting for some time, I even doubt I'll be able to lift my right arm for some longer time after this. Terribly fucking annoying, but there's no point in whining over it. It'll pass with time.

[Zarkaylia]

18-12-2014

It has been some time. I’ve had to keep my writing to when I needed to in my work, it’s been painful to move my right arm very much. Lapis worried me for some time, but she’s also recovering. She’s of course taking good care of me.

A new arrival calling herself one of Sulena’s knights arrived. Her name’s Adreanna and to put her to proper test, and to hopefully not worry my family or citizens too much now that I can’t defend myself till I’m better, I hired her as my own personal guard for the time being. A bit contrary to what I thought, people have seemed more concerned that I did hire her than over if I’d not. I guess they do not see my full intent with this, not even my grandchildren it seems, but I stand by the decision. After all, in the end I’m getting exactly what I wanted out of it. I’m able to work, I get a good chance to evaluate her first hand, and I’m kept safe. Lapis got a bit on edge with it though, thinking I’m replacing Orvich. A statement that’s an insult in itself to both Orvich and I, but I guess Lapis meant no harm. Orvich can’t be replaced like she’s some broken cutlery. Adreanna may remind me of my dear friend, but that’s all.

Then there was Chathra’s last outburst. I’m not going to elaborate on that fucking shit too much, but I don’t enjoy being called a Xitian slaver and a liar by someone I’ve supposedly known for about a decade. I’ll stick to eating elsewhere.

I’ve also tried to talk to Hara more closely, but I’m not so sure that’s made much difference. I’m trying my best, she deserves that as much as the rest of the new arrivals we get, but it still appears to me like she rather rid of me. The woman seem to think that one’s not listening to her unless one agrees and she’ll stop at nothing to make you agree. Which I’m finding very strange. I need to find a good way to approach her. So far she’s confusing.

What I’ve found strange but heartwarming have been the response from the rest of the town, when Hara questions why they let me lead they actually say a little bit more than ‘rather her than any of the others around here’, haha. It's something I've rarely gotten to hear.

Another friendly gesture was that Orosvor noticed my lack of real shirt, it got ruined by the dark walker, and gave me a bear pelt. A very kind gesture.

I should get myself some rest.

[Zarkaylia]

(*doesn't intend to write so much* *recalls stuff continuously while writing*)

18-12-2014

Hara’s had a friendly fight with Zaira, the girl’s been beaten up but if she agreed to it she did, and one less friendly one with Hector while trying to prove a point or something. Apparently took a fucking swing at the man. I can’t same I’m happy about the woman’s damned idea of what a ‘discussion’ is, but something tells me all the guard would do is to entertain her. Hector agrees with me. We’ll see what will be done, I suppose I’ll try a bloody talk again.

Hector and I get a lot of chit chatting done when we work the fields, it’s quite nice and I really appreciate his care for Lapis and offer to listen. There aren’t many that offer to talk more with me, I look forward to some visits. And it’s the second time as of late too.

I had some business to discuss with Victor and told him to come over when he had the time. Aside from expressing that he felt lonely and us agreeing that we could both benefit from talking more often, it was about time he got the guard Captain position. I made the terms clear, I won’t tolerate the bullshit he’s been up to in the past. My hope is that he’s grown and learnt more over the time that’s passed.

I also learnt that he’s intending to marry Nerissa and I’m honestly surprised. Never thought those two would get near any commitments. I agree that Nerissa’s made a lot of improvement over just the past year or two, but I still wouldn’t see this coming. I guess, as long as they’re happy. And if there’s anything one can see it’s that those two have been a lot more happy since they started their official relationship.

I also heard from Orvich. While I’m glad to, her letter worries me. To write about it worries me, but I’d have to burn years of journals to hide that I know her. At least all my finished ones are sent to Netha these days. Lord Daulton murdered Atarsis’ king and took the throne, using Orri’s rage and success in her mission. Apparently he’s tried to have her and Fargo killed and it looks like she’s gotten herself into a bloody civil war. I won’t reply to her, I wouldn’t dare to even if she didn’t tell me not to. They’re dealing with dangerous people. I wish I could do more for her, as does Hector, but right now the best I can do is leave her be and believe in her abilities. Hopefully, we’ve done enough for her in the past, hopefully I’ve taught her well, so that she can get through the madness she’s getting into.

These thoughts make me weary. I believe I best go visit Zaira and check on the girl. Her mother’s not going to be happy at all to hear about her cracking two ribs in a fight and since Netha’s pregnant I think I’ll let those news wait till after the baby’s born.

On a glad note, though strange and almost overwhelming, I learnt at Light’s wedding that he’s going to be a father. Which makes myself and Spy great grandparents, I never even knew that is something one can become. Hector assured me I’m capable and have no need for worry if I continue as usual, but I still find the thought at least very alien.

[Zarkaylia]

This spread in the journal contains only one sentence.

I lost my sister.