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[Journal] Zarkaylia
This entry's several stained spreads long and seems a long long reminiscence of Zarkaylia's memories of her sister Ezri through the years. Put down sometimes in the style of a letter or addressed to someone else and sometimes seem addressed to Zark herself. At times she seem to talk to someone by the name Nelenna. At times the rambling of memories seem written almost in confusion and at times to be written in haste, but it's quite apparent that its more detailed than the rest of the journal. In first days of shock and grief Zarkaylia's had to write down all the memories returning to her as clear as the days they were formed to deal with her pain and in case she'd lose those precious times without warning like she's now lost her sister.

(For obvious reasons, this huge entry I'm not gonna write out. Furthermore, I can't guarantee that Zark continues her writing for some time.)

[Here follows a lot of rather depressive entries that for reasons I will leave out. For months, old Zark’s written mostly about her grief and attempts to carry on. The journal reveals this and her facing all from seeing things due to sleep deprivation, talking to herself or Nelenna, her visits to Lapis to the day to day life struggles. Over these months she slowly makes progress of course. The following entry is suddenly much more calm than the previous.]

Months of several daily meditations appear to finally have born fruit. After Lapis let me leave the clinic last night I had a few things to contemplate. All from the fact my granddaughter tries manipulation rather than direct communication to the words and blows Hara and I exchanged the other day.

I’ve known ever since my sister died that I’ve not been myself. That I’ve been lost, lead astray by pain and a hollow heart bled dry. I know I tried to explain to Hara that I’ve been trying very hard not only to physically get better but to find my peace, or myself, again. I’ve struggled to put it to words and, judging by my aching hip and broken hand, I did a poor job out of it that time too. But upon meditating on my own words to Hara, some of my memories with my sister, and who I was before all this I came to realize what I’ve been trying to do for months. I told Hara that I’ve been trying to find and regain my peace again and I’ve been meditating at least once every day on the past and who I thought I am, so that I can return to myself.

I suddenly realized I’ve been an old fool blinded by my own grief. I’ve been trying to return to who I was, trying to find something that’s forever lost and can’t be found again. I can’t be the Zarkaylia that has a beloved sister. I’m someone else now, forever changed. The answer is not to search for what was but to again explore the new. Stars above the realization was like an epiphany, for a first time in ages I not only let a few tears fall but I also laughed and fuck that felt good. But I kept crying a while without realizing why for some time. It wasn’t till some more meditation and calming down that I realized I’d in the moment of my little epiphany let her go.

I’ll still mourn, perhaps in silence, for a long time yet. I won’t fool myself. Even after the memorial ring I’ve requested Urath to make arrives and I’ve put it in my hair. But with this new wisdom I can build my health and strength, build myself, hopefully much quicker as well. I'm not allowed to take the time I'd normally need... I've to be rather merciless with myself and beat myself through at quicker and quicker pace to meet the wishes and demands of others. I rather not think about how that makes me feel.

The little expedition down into the tunnels didn’t go very well for the young guards. I’m yet to learn what exactly happened down there, so I can’t say much on the execution yet. I’m just aware it appears Kane was injured, shot in the arm or shoulder, very early on. The rest, Bishop and Zaira under Adreanna’s lead, carried on without him. Then somehow, Zaira was shot as well. What’s really unpleasant is that she took a much worse shot than Kane. I’ve heard the arrow hit her right side quite bad and aside from a lot of blood loss I know from start that may mean damaged inner organs. Bishop was injured as well after sending Adreanna back with Zaira with help of a home rune, but nothing serious.

I may not look like it, it feels like I don’t look like it, but I am worried. I have known this day would come eventually. If she’s to make a life as guard and capable fighter or warrior then there would be the day she first got hurt quite badly and may have to fight for her life. That doesn’t mean that any fucking preparation in the world for either of us can make us ignore it. I don’t look forward to sending word to her parents about this. Pray Stars the only thing I need to tell them is that she got badly hurt and no more. I don’t think I could bare the loss when I already struggle to find my way.

I’d a lengthy discussion with Hara in the clinic. One may wonder how the Nether that went and I’ll have to admit it didn’t go that fucking well of course. I tried, I did, to offer peace and understanding but it’s in her belief it’s impossible. I’m more prone to think the truth is she doesn’t want to. She’s despised me from start, there was never any chances given. Be it cause the first bad impression, that I’m the Elder or cause she wants to take my job. Who I am have never had a chance.

I gave it hard tries and it failed. That’s that. I won’t waste the time if she won’t. I’ve done that in the past and it almost always ends in disappointment.

Unfortunately though, I had a moment where I just didn’t wish to talk anymore. I felt so tired with everything, exhausted. And Hara started to go on about that I’m broken, not whole or something down those lines. I’m aware I’m still recovering but she insisted on that damned weird question again. Asking what long for. I’m not sure I entirely understood the question this time either but I replied that I long for closeness and fire. I guess that was the closest words I could figure to describe it all. And we soon discussed going out to battle dusk which I said I rather do alone but of course… the first thing Hara starts spitting at the thought is that I’m sick, suicidal, and just out to kill myself if I go alone. Which aside from the insulting suggestion is outright ridiculous and she went on about how I talk about death and my own as if I long for it. Right now I’m tired, that is true, but that I long for it would be to really take it too far. If anything, I long to live again. [There’s an ink spot here, as if the tip of the quil’s rested for a while against the paper]

I think I know what I need to do. I need to get out of here. Out on the road again, experience new views and meet new people. Or visit the warriors of Wyndallon again, maybe even the old Wanderers I found there. And my nephew. Find new battles to fight. Or old ones, I could stop by Provensia and say hi to my son. It’s a little soon for another vacation but why not? Nether, maybe I should consider to dump the job on Victor and just leave on undecided time, they probably don’t need me that much here anymore. I could start this little adventure of mine with meeting my granddaughter Ezrita and my great grandson. Then teach those that assaulted Light and his baby some well earned lessons.

It does sound much better than fighting some dusks while trying to keep the babysitting Hara out of harms way. But humoring the thought is different from executing it. I won’t be able to head out before Zaira’s up and about again though, I got plenty of time to think it through.
[As you may have figured, I've been unable to write much while moving and all. But here's a brief update. Though it's not up to date just yet.]

2015-02-16: 1
To my great surprise and admittedly my joy, my nephew arrived to Nightveil not long after Estelle and Spy had left. It appears I had worried him a little too much with my letters. Urath’s a good man and to see that he crossed the ocean just to check on me warms an old tired heart. For some days now, I have enjoyed his care and comfort. It’s great to be able to talk with someone without it ending in arguments or misunderstandings. I’m not used to being alone in my home and I greatly miss my daughter and husband. It’s good to have another presence around again.

He’s encouraged me to take time off work and time away from everything. After the recent revelation that Lapis had tried to help me through my grief in a less than good way, I welcomed it. I’ve rarely felt as tired as I felt after I learnt that Lapis never meant to make me feel like I have about mourning. It is nice to now spend my days mourning as I should, when I need to, with someone to just talk to and be with for comfort.

Sadly, Urath did run into Nerissa before he found me. Judging by an angry Victor’s recent ‘visit’ the woman’s not doing well from the experience. Victor urged me to toss Urath out so that Nerissa can feel safe, but I will not do that. Yes, I do care for her well being, but for once in my life I need to allow myself to focus on myself. I need Urath here right now. Victor’s pissed of course, but I’ve given my word that Urath won’t leave my home and he’ll have to settle for that.

There was a man present while Victor and Urath met. I can not recall the man’s name at the moment, but I hope he gets greeted well by the townsfolk.

2015-02-16: 2
I have hurt my head. Nerissa, in her attempt to meet Urath to rid of her fears, used her abilities to slam me into a wall. I can’t write much. I still feel weak from the seizures I’ve had and keep having. Urath’s a good caretaker and Lapis is of course a brilliant doctor. I really enjoy when she stops by to check on me. I finally received word from Orvich and it’s with relief and joy I try to write a reply.

2015-02-16: 3
I’m much better now. While I still feel worn and tired, the seizures appear to have stopped and I’m able to go visit my granddaughter at the clinic again. Before I hit my head, Zaira and Bishop had been caught barricaded and hungover in the clinic. Lapis had of course been furious. At that time, the two insisted there was nothing going on and today they decided to kiss to tell their grandmother they’re dating. Of course, I had a word with both, but I’m rather glad that they both have someone. As long as they don’t start fucking and Zaira gets knocked up, all should be fine.

I’ve also stumbled over Lapis hugging Kane, to much more surprise I have to admit. I thought the young girl held absolutely no interest in relationships or love. I’m unsure how she’ll handle, but I’ll keep an eye out and we’ll see. At least Kane’s a good young man.

Otherwise, I’m currently taking Urath’s advice and keeping a small distance towards Lapis. Leaving her be. It’s not a pleasant thing to do for a grandmother and it does hurt a bit to keep remembering to not go to her when I feel I’d like to talk. But if it makes the girl feel better in the long run I better get used to it.

2015-02-16: 4
We’ve quite suddenly attended Caesar’s and Copper’s wedding in Auria. I found it a golden opportunity for Urath to meet more of my family, and his I suppose, so he came with. My granddaughter Ezrita is absolutely heartbreakingly adorable and my great grandson Hart isn’t any less so. I’m overjoyed to have met both. They’re the sweetest little things.

Of course, it wasn’t without most the family wishing a word with me before the wedding. They’ve been concerned. I spoke with Netha in length, which was very pleasant. She listens, my sweet daughter, and she understands so well. To not mention she makes absolutely fucking lovely strawberry muffins, how Lucas haven’t grown fat as a house yet is a mystery. I told her that I’m no longer considering to retire to Auria, at least not anytime in the near future. I just don’t have it in me any longer and Auria holds too many memories. A lot of them bad. To not mention, I wish to wait for my Spy to come back to Nightveil. Of course, she understands, and encouraged me to start the school I plan to and take students. As well as encouraged my ideas for books. She showed an interest in reading them and helping with having copies made.

I also spoke with Light. He’s still mourning his wife, but it appears his son keeps him going. However, he struggles to start anew as a lone father without a home or a carpenter shop to tend to customers in.

Caesar was far too busy for me to get much words with. The boy’s so in love with his new wife I certainly understand why. It was great to see both happy. And the Ko’Ban wedding was a lovely occasion that I’ll always remember. Though it wasn’t without a moment where I wished my sister could’ve been there to see and experience it. I visited her grave the first I did when I arrived, so that I wouldn’t have it to think about during the wedding.

The Connors here are fine. Knight’s a bit quiet, Copper’s happy and Ruby’s adorable and reminds a lot of her mother. Rook’s busy starting a new family. Though why the man’s suddenly friendly and wishes a word with me is a mystery.

There was of course an incident of one of Bishop’s old flings tossing herself onto him and Zaira’s reaction to that. I had a word with her as she seemed upset, but I do believe they’ll be fine.

It’s been a joyful and long day celebrating this wedding, and it’s left me feeling tired. It’s about time I rest.

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