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+---- Thread: Demotheus Drahven (/showthread.php?tid=119)
Re: Character App: Demotheus Drahven - Demotheus - 30-03-2013
Alright then. I have edited this a little bit to try and re-represent what I was getting at. I mistakenly wrote it before hand as he said what was said to him, but that's not the case.
If it doesn't seem I've still not grasped the idea than I'll just remove that aspect all together, but I'd like to keep it.
Something to point out.
This isn't something to try and "act as a different character" or whatever. It would be as if most would never figure it out, as at this point in his life he's learned that it's best not to talk at all to the voices, at least while in public or anywhere near people for that matter.
This isn't me being a raging fool, all like "I CANZ TOTS DO THIS I ARE TEH BOSS" or anything, I'm just trying to play the character as I had conceived him in the first place. Trust me, no one's going to be offended by my representation of this mental disorder, which apparently everyone has experienced at least once in their lives.
Re: Character App: Demotheus Drahven - FireDog - 30-03-2013
Alright Demo, this is my disection of this and my overall response.
Demotheus Wrote:I have edited this a little bit to try and re-represent what I was getting at.
You posted this after:
mcman Wrote:Thus, given your past portrayal of mental illnesses and the inadequate and vague description that you provide here, staff has come to the collective decision that we cannot permit you to have a mentally ill character at this time. In light of this these aspects will have to be removed if you wish for this submission to be accepted. Thank you and good luck. I believe another staffer will be handling our other concerns with this application.
and
Michelle Wrote:When you have revised your application, I will then review it more thoroughly. To do so now after you have already received significant feedback is not fair to other applicants. That's all, for now. Good luck.
I'd like to point out that 'No means No'. Staff has voted and agreed on not allowing you to play a character that is mentally ill over one that is mentally well. No amount of revising or re-explaing will change this for you. Please respect this decision instead of trying to change it to convince us that should allow you to play this mentally ill character. Keep in mind that you are without a character until your submission is approved; and staff will not accept a character that is mentally ill.
And lets say that you do give us a proper example of the mental illness you are trying to pass, staff would still be squirmy about it. Why? Because you just played a character that had a mental illness, Dani, being Bi-polar, had a less extreme case but we feel it was still played incorrectly. We would like to see you go off the beaten path and explore new territories with deeper character development and conflicts that you might not otherwise have in this one. However, doing all of this while playing a mentally well character. For example, (and yes I will pull my own characters) Neola, my last female character, kept to herself but mostly dealt inner-conflicts presented to her on what was right and what was wrong. I still found the inner workings of her mind to be very interesting without any form of mental illness. And other example is Thomas when he was younger and still a thief. As he became closer with Zarkaylia he had constant conflicts and guilt eating at him due to this bond he developed with his step mother. My point is, you can still have an interesting character without any deformities or even any childhood trauma. But its up to you to give that character proper depth and make them three dimensional.
This is my last statement on this before any proper grading. Make your character mentally well, or no character at all. Your choice. If you have anything else, you may speak to me over Skype.
Re: Character App: Demotheus Drahven - Demotheus - 30-03-2013
updated again.
Should be good this time, for at least further review!
Re: Character App: Demotheus Drahven - Michelle - 02-04-2013
Apologies for the wait, but thank you for waiting patiently.
1. Your submission requires proofreading. Most of the errors are grammatical, and result in ambiguous and/or confusing sentences which have made the reviewing of your application difficult. Please revise.
2. Your characterâs current age has not been provided. Please specify it, as full feedback cannot be given on the following topics: lore relation, tattoo realism, skill realism and balancing.
3. âCan paint on wood fairly well with decent detailed work for decorative purposes. Can also make the three primary colors to make somewhat more colors.â This is listed under woodwork; it should be listed under its own skill.
4. Your characterâs personality requires more detail. Most of what has been listed so far is a good start, but it lacks sufficient depth. There is not much to this character outside of extroversion, creativity and symptoms of mental illness. Please revise and see point 12 for further instruction.
5. âTheresa crouches down and practically growls as she says, "And you shouldn't have tried to steal my son, you worthless harlot."â
âHis mother had become abusive, mostly verbally, to him since she murdered that woman, now sure that he could not be driven to anyone else.â
Generally, when a person thinks of their son as something that can be âstolenâ by other people, thatâs objectification. Objectifying someone is also considered a form of abuse. Thus, itâs unrealistic to say that his mother became abusive from the point she killed Bell. Please revise.
6. âHe spent more and more time with the woman and less with his mother, who began to worry for the boy. She never trusted Bell, few do. To her she was a strange woman who did nothing for the tribeâ
âTheresa crouches down and practically growls as she says, "And you shouldn't have tried to steal my son, you worthless harlot."â
This reveals inconsistencies in Theresaâs (and somewhat by extension, the tribeâs) motivation behind killing Bell. Remember that all the characters mentioned in your characterâs backstory should have as much thought behind their decisions as the character you intend to RP. Please revise.
7. Overall, the act of killing Bell seems unmotivated, thus unrealistic. Why would the tribe deem music and the arts in general as useless? Wouldnât it be considered entertainment at the very least, and at most produce wares that would be worth selling or trading? Considering Mesalians come from a very nomadic, gypsy-like culture (Vagrants), which bares similarity with the tribeâs lifestyle, this seems even more unmotivated. More justification is required. Please revise.
8. â"Well then, Demotheus, What brings ye here? Are you on some kind of adventure? Are you lost? ... or..perhaps you want to join us, hm? You good at anything? Making things, getting things, drawing things, doing things, any of these things?"â¦"Ah, good. Jus' what we need in our little traveling caravan! An artist! Some novelties could be made, and a fair bit o' coin. We'll wait here. If ye want t' go, that is. Jus' go get your things and come back here, assuming you have some."â This also seems unrealistic and unmotivated, for both Philip and your character. Why would someone ask a teenage boy to âjoin usâ? Why would someone âjoin usâ without knowing who âusâ is, and what âusâ does? Why ask a bunch of questions as to why someone is somewhere, only to not let them answer anything? More justification is required. Please revise.
9. âHe inked the tribal symbol into the back of his right hand at the age of thirteen, as he had become what is considered a man in this particular group.â
âDistinguishing Marks: The tattoo of his tribes sort of "brand" on the back of his right hand.â Whilst tattoos did exist in the medieval times, they were not permanent. Whether or not this is unrealistic cannot be determined, as your characterâs age is not specified. Please research, reconsider and revise.
10. âIt's a star with a circle connecting the 5 points.â
âThe symbol, essentially being a pentagram.â
Lore-wise, a star or a pentagram does not make sense. Please revise.
11. âThey took nearly everything, except what Demotheus had taken into the barrel.â
âHe went back to the barrels, which contained a few rations and packed them in his oversized bag with the rest of his things.â
This is inconsistent, thus unrealistic. Also, if the thieves took everything, how was the character not discovered? Why wasnât his barrel checked? Please reconsider and revise.
12. âWhen he is upset he will spiral downward until something distracts him, constantly thinking of other terrible things in his life or his past to shame himself and convince him that whatever happens that is bad is his fault, not others.â
âShe stands up, looking at the crumpled woman below her who's life seeps from her rapidly, her son cowering in the shadows, disassociating himself with the situation.â
âOnce again, he disassociated himself from the situation, much like he had when he was witnessing Bell's murder, refusing to take part in any of it, and basically covering his ears and yelling "laa laa laa la la!" as loud as he could in his head.â
It is not enough to remove the traits which explicitly state your character has mental conditions if the symptoms are still there to imply the conditions exist. Staff have told you to create a character who is mentally well; this is smart-arsing around the rules.
The above being said, the staff understand and acknowledge that no person would come out completely sane after experiencing the major events mentioned in your characterâs backstory. Thus, you have two options: either you revise this submission and rewrite your characterâs backstory, or you post another submission with a new concept.
Regardless of which option you choose, I suggest you consider the traits you have listed on this submission very carefully. Without mental illness, your characterâs personality is quite standard and has insufficient depth. Thus, your characterâs personality seems heavily reliant on your characterâs mental condition to provide this depth. People simply do not function like this; those with conditions are not their conditions, and it follows that characters with conditions are not their conditions. Here, the word âconditionâ can apply to any aspect of a character. The point I am emphasising is that you tend to define or summarise your characters with one âdefaultâ trait, and this limits their depth. Please be mindful of this on your next submission or revision. A good first step to improving this on future submissions is to be more detailed and explicit when describing your characterâs personality, and to consider your characterâs personality on many levels and under many different circumstances. Try not to simply list traits (whoever introduced this trait system, Iâm coming for you with a screwdriver and a crocodile); elaborate on them. This is a damn good example.
Thatâs all, for now. The issues in your last submission are similar to the issues in this submission; there is insufficient depth to your charactersâ personality, and insufficient development of this personality throughout your characterâs backstory. Iâll be sure to let you know when youâre on the right track.
If youâve any questions, feel free to ask. Good luck.
I'm going to sleep now.
Re: Character App: Demotheus Drahven - Demotheus - 02-04-2013
On the subject of the apparent mental illness, that's not a mental illness (as far as I'm concerned) as I haven't been diagnosed with anything and I myself do that and know several who also do that. It's not smart assing around the rules, shouldn't be anyway.
Unless, that is, I have mental illness that I had no idea about. Even if it was, then, one would think they would be able to properly RP something that is a trait of their own person, right?
Please get back to me on that soon (and when you're awake lol. Zoom x 200)
Can't believe I forgot his age...I swear I wrote it down, but apparently not.