[Spitfire333]

Oh, okay. Sorry, Con told me I just needed to put basic history and a little bit on general culture so I put it here. How long do you think it would take for the Lore Proposal to be graded, and could this character be graded as the Lore proposal was being graded. This is just because I'd rather not put up a Lore Proposal and have to wait a month before I can actually get on the server.

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I have edited it as per PM. Ready to be graded, methinks.

[SentaiPink]

Hello Spitfire! I've got your feedback hot of the grill and ready for you! Since your application is split into two sections I'm going to go ahead and address the lore for the town first then the character.

Saleph

• There is no lore relation in the history provided for this town. Remote as it was all of the mainlands were enslaved during the occupation and Saleph sounds like a great place for refugees to hide from the civil wars. How did these events affect this area?

• The reasoning for the crime to be as rampant as it is, seems a little weak. There's a king and a fully functioning government that should be more than capable of controlling Saleph’s crime. Why isn't it? Is the cabinet being bribed? Is the king apathetic or profiting from the chaos? Please elaborate. (What you have is nearly enough for it's own lore proposal. If given it's own thread it could become a larger part of Mesalia's lore if you want.)

Backstory

• Rafiq’s mother needs a name. Why did she drink? Was she sick for a while before dying? Did they try to get her medicine if she was? Please clarify and revise.

• In three years he became proficient with a rebab with no tutelage? This seems a bit unrealistic; please revise.

• You state they rarely had enough money not to have to panhandle and steal daily, then go on to state they bought a skiff. This is inconsistent, please revise.

• Why did no one notice the pattern that when Rafiq would play everyone would get their pockets picked?

• They bought camels without any idea how to ride them? Or care for them? that seems a little unrealistic. It would be more likely they’d get hurt or hurt the animals then figure out how to ride and tend them without any prior knowledge. Much less convince someone after a few weeks that they’d been riding for most their lives. Please revise.

• The merchants seem a bit gullible. Both groups, though George I think probably responds most realistically when approached by Boma.
  • How long were they with Haussam’s caravan?
    

  • “They took anything that shone or glittered, as well as silk fabrics and spices. With these lightweight materials, they had taken almost half of the caravan’s wealth. It was all light enough that it could fit on two camels with room for a rider on each. “

    “ They had taken the two freshest camels, and were carrying very little weight. “

    To say they stole ‘nearly half the caravan’s wealth’ on a pair of camels still light enough to carry people and outrun the others is to imply that there are only 4 camels in the whole caravan. Please revise to be more realistic, keep in mind that gold is pretty heavy for it’s size. As can be spices and gemstones.
    
  • Why would someone who’s been traveling with George who knows what he’s capable of, attempt to steal from him? Please elaborate or revise.
    

  • “The mounted their camels with a very large percentage of the total wealth.”

    Again, the issue with the weight and value vs what the caravan probably carried as a whole, makes this unlikely if not unrealistic. The camels just aren’t going to carry a person, a ‘very large percentage of the total wealth’ of an entire caravan and be able to run.

• Your backstory doesn’t have any lore relation, there is no mention of Xitians, Lucins, any of the wars, or the portals. Please revise to include lore relation.

• Please specify that the ship he boards is headed for the forbidden lands.

Skills

• Frankly the Rebab, the violin, the masenqo, and the others are not so similar a player of one would immediately know how to play the others. Musical skill just like any artistic skill is time consuming and difficult to learn. Every instrument is vastly different (For example our illustrious Zark plays recorder, but she couldn’t play a flute or clarinet, even if these instruments are all wind instruments and operate on the same principles.). So, the skill of playing ‘stringed’ instruments is too vague. Change it to specify Rebab and please adjust the story accordingly, he may have knowledge of other instruments but given the spread of his skills it’s just not likely he had time to learn more than one. Consider lowering the skill level as well, this would be to account for the fact he’s never had any formal training. That generally doubles the amount of time it takes to learn any given skill.

• Thievery is covering too broad a section. breaking it down into separate skills will better give us the ability to assess what he’s capable of (lockpicking, stealth, & pickpocketing)

[Spitfire333]

Okay, thanks and sorry for taking so long. I've had a lot of work to do lately and I should be able to update tomorrow.

[SentaiPink]

Let me know when your ready Spit.

[Spitfire333]

Alright, I've started it, its coming tomorrow at some point. Sorry about this, but I've been at Model UN conferences all day this weekend and will be there for half a day tomorrow.