21-04-2013, 05:15 PM
Hello Tig! No you're not in trouble, I'll just be aiding in the grading a bit.
1. First off, revise the skills again.
He's only 18, I'd put a lot of those on average down a bit.
2. Lore relation.
It is very vague and what is there lack a bit of explanation. The town was ruled by Lucins? Why? If not, why'd they care about taking something not theirs back? Etc.
3. Lucins setting towns on fire is unlikely since the fire would weaken them.
4. Why'd a family living in a town and working with building ships have sheep...?
5. Work his traits into the story.
So far the story doesn't show any of the personality traits listed very much.
6. Lack of depth.
The story needs more personality and depth. No emotions and few own thoughts are worked into it despite the fact it's written in journal style. If you need help understanding what I mean, just bug me on Skype.
Good luck!
1. First off, revise the skills again.
He's only 18, I'd put a lot of those on average down a bit.
2. Lore relation.
It is very vague and what is there lack a bit of explanation. The town was ruled by Lucins? Why? If not, why'd they care about taking something not theirs back? Etc.
3. Lucins setting towns on fire is unlikely since the fire would weaken them.
4. Why'd a family living in a town and working with building ships have sheep...?
5. Work his traits into the story.
So far the story doesn't show any of the personality traits listed very much.
6. Lack of depth.
The story needs more personality and depth. No emotions and few own thoughts are worked into it despite the fact it's written in journal style. If you need help understanding what I mean, just bug me on Skype.
Good luck!