23-07-2014, 10:39 AM
Ahoy, Ryu! I've had a look at your lore for Atarsis.
1) There's a few small grammatical errors, I'd suggest a last proof-read.
2) The Main Lore itself state that the Mesalians were subdued, more or less into a hopeless state. That Atarsis is suggested as the exception to this is more or less a direct contradiction. A reminder is the extreme brutality and mercilessness of the Xitians and that the slavery went on unhindered for a whole of 30 years. It's going to have been hard enough for the generations enslaved to have survived those 30 years at all. To not mention most of those born before the enslavement never lived past the Veld War.
3) Reword "other standard 'women' jobs" please, before some feminist rides along to bite my head off.
(haha king Arthur references... I see you...)
1) There's a few small grammatical errors, I'd suggest a last proof-read.
2) The Main Lore itself state that the Mesalians were subdued, more or less into a hopeless state. That Atarsis is suggested as the exception to this is more or less a direct contradiction. A reminder is the extreme brutality and mercilessness of the Xitians and that the slavery went on unhindered for a whole of 30 years. It's going to have been hard enough for the generations enslaved to have survived those 30 years at all. To not mention most of those born before the enslavement never lived past the Veld War.
3) Reword "other standard 'women' jobs" please, before some feminist rides along to bite my head off.
(haha king Arthur references... I see you...)