2015-01-06
[Here follows a lot of rather depressive entries that for reasons I will leave out. For months, old Zark’s written mostly about her grief and attempts to carry on. The journal reveals this and her facing all from seeing things due to sleep deprivation, talking to herself or Nelenna, her visits to Lapis to the day to day life struggles. Over these months she slowly makes progress of course. The following entry is suddenly much more calm than the previous.]
Months of several daily meditations appear to finally have born fruit. After Lapis let me leave the clinic last night I had a few things to contemplate. All from the fact my granddaughter tries manipulation rather than direct communication to the words and blows Hara and I exchanged the other day.
I’ve known ever since my sister died that I’ve not been myself. That I’ve been lost, lead astray by pain and a hollow heart bled dry. I know I tried to explain to Hara that I’ve been trying very hard not only to physically get better but to find my peace, or myself, again. I’ve struggled to put it to words and, judging by my aching hip and broken hand, I did a poor job out of it that time too. But upon meditating on my own words to Hara, some of my memories with my sister, and who I was before all this I came to realize what I’ve been trying to do for months. I told Hara that I’ve been trying to find and regain my peace again and I’ve been meditating at least once every day on the past and who I thought I am, so that I can return to myself.
I suddenly realized I’ve been an old fool blinded by my own grief. I’ve been trying to return to who I was, trying to find something that’s forever lost and can’t be found again. I can’t be the Zarkaylia that has a beloved sister. I’m someone else now, forever changed. The answer is not to search for what was but to again explore the new. Stars above the realization was like an epiphany, for a first time in ages I not only let a few tears fall but I also laughed and fuck that felt good. But I kept crying a while without realizing why for some time. It wasn’t till some more meditation and calming down that I realized I’d in the moment of my little epiphany let her go.
I’ll still mourn, perhaps in silence, for a long time yet. I won’t fool myself. Even after the memorial ring I’ve requested Urath to make arrives and I’ve put it in my hair. But with this new wisdom I can build my health and strength, build myself, hopefully much quicker as well. I'm not allowed to take the time I'd normally need... I've to be rather merciless with myself and beat myself through at quicker and quicker pace to meet the wishes and demands of others. I rather not think about how that makes me feel.
[Here follows a lot of rather depressive entries that for reasons I will leave out. For months, old Zark’s written mostly about her grief and attempts to carry on. The journal reveals this and her facing all from seeing things due to sleep deprivation, talking to herself or Nelenna, her visits to Lapis to the day to day life struggles. Over these months she slowly makes progress of course. The following entry is suddenly much more calm than the previous.]
Months of several daily meditations appear to finally have born fruit. After Lapis let me leave the clinic last night I had a few things to contemplate. All from the fact my granddaughter tries manipulation rather than direct communication to the words and blows Hara and I exchanged the other day.
I’ve known ever since my sister died that I’ve not been myself. That I’ve been lost, lead astray by pain and a hollow heart bled dry. I know I tried to explain to Hara that I’ve been trying very hard not only to physically get better but to find my peace, or myself, again. I’ve struggled to put it to words and, judging by my aching hip and broken hand, I did a poor job out of it that time too. But upon meditating on my own words to Hara, some of my memories with my sister, and who I was before all this I came to realize what I’ve been trying to do for months. I told Hara that I’ve been trying to find and regain my peace again and I’ve been meditating at least once every day on the past and who I thought I am, so that I can return to myself.
I suddenly realized I’ve been an old fool blinded by my own grief. I’ve been trying to return to who I was, trying to find something that’s forever lost and can’t be found again. I can’t be the Zarkaylia that has a beloved sister. I’m someone else now, forever changed. The answer is not to search for what was but to again explore the new. Stars above the realization was like an epiphany, for a first time in ages I not only let a few tears fall but I also laughed and fuck that felt good. But I kept crying a while without realizing why for some time. It wasn’t till some more meditation and calming down that I realized I’d in the moment of my little epiphany let her go.
I’ll still mourn, perhaps in silence, for a long time yet. I won’t fool myself. Even after the memorial ring I’ve requested Urath to make arrives and I’ve put it in my hair. But with this new wisdom I can build my health and strength, build myself, hopefully much quicker as well. I'm not allowed to take the time I'd normally need... I've to be rather merciless with myself and beat myself through at quicker and quicker pace to meet the wishes and demands of others. I rather not think about how that makes me feel.