09-12-2013, 06:09 PM
(09-12-2013, 05:08 PM)Zarkaylia Wrote: Alright Stezzo. I'm taking over the grading of your application.
Appearance:
1) This might be nitpicking on your choice of words but if you're having me confused you're having me confused.
Quote:wrestling with both animal and dusk creature
Above part about wrestling with animals or dusks I take literally and I must point out that some of the dusk creatures require some quite severe damage to be caused to them to go down. And as we have a character in the setting that's very good at hand combat and still struggle with the more walking-dead ones I'm going to have to ask you to reconsider how he'd be actually wrestling them with a novice skill in hand combat or that you rephrase. At least as a considerate thing to do towards those in the setting with chars with better skill.
Wrestling was more meant in the sense of the new passage 'Always bring a knife'. It's probably more clear there.
(09-12-2013, 05:08 PM)Zarkaylia Wrote: Skills:
1) Firstly I'm going to ask you to remove all your arguments for the skills. If there is justification needed for your char's skills they are to be put in the background story.
Done.
(09-12-2013, 05:08 PM)Zarkaylia Wrote: 2) By reading the story and researching newly accepted applications like Bandit's I come to same conclusion as the rest of the staff in regards of having 4 competent skills. I'd suggest that like was done with Bandit's skill with her spear, you knock down the archery skill one level.
I'm rather hesitant to do this. I would like to offer a compromise however -- Removing hand combat, and pulling Survival down one level is something I've done instead, if that's acceptable.
(09-12-2013, 05:08 PM)Zarkaylia Wrote: 3) I'd like to see the bola, knife combat and hand combat more properly justified within the story itself. Especially the bola came as a surprise to me (I read the story before I read the skills).
Added a passage under 'Growing Older' to address the Bolas, and a new 'chapter' to address the knife. The hand combat has been removed.
(09-12-2013, 05:08 PM)Zarkaylia Wrote: Story
1) You mention in your notes that he has no opinions on Xitians or Lucins cause he has no way to judge them, but what about the Prologue?
The prologue dates all the way back to the enslavement, recounting the times before when the caravan would stay and mingle with the new towns to give a sense that as a result of their mistrust in others, the clan is dying out due to fewer people marrying into it.
(09-12-2013, 05:08 PM)Zarkaylia Wrote: 2) The Travel and Mutiny parts confuse me. Where'd he get the idea to travel? Why then? What do their parents think of it? Etc. Please elaborate so it's easier to understand what goes on and why in these sections.
I elaborated a bit in the Travel part, as for the parents, it's as stated that they couldn't really baby Delfi and Heidi anymore, as they are adults.
(09-12-2013, 05:08 PM)Zarkaylia Wrote: 3) There's a big difference between dusks and humans, I have to point this out. I'm not entirely certain in which way you mean he doesn't think of it any different from humans though, please explain.
I meant emotionally, for the most part. As Delfi is of a protectionist's mindset, he was springing into action against a perceived enemy with little emotional baggage, as he places little weight on the lives of those who threaten him or those who are important to him.
(09-12-2013, 05:08 PM)Zarkaylia Wrote: Items
1) I'd approve all but the arrows. They're highly likely to be lost in the sea.
Removed.
(09-12-2013, 05:08 PM)Zarkaylia Wrote: Notes:
1) How does the children react to how they're treated by their peers? There's no mention of this.
Added a blurb on that, but I'll restate: With the bond that Delfi and Heidi shared, they didn't care or take notice too much. Too absorbed in themselves and each other to care. And by the time that they're older and that bond starts to weaken, both of them pursue livelihoods that would see them work alone most of the time.
(09-12-2013, 05:08 PM)Zarkaylia Wrote: 2) I'm not going to question that he survived, that is plausible, but I'm going to question that he'd be able to easily take on a bunch of sailors in their own element. Firstly he's never fought on a ship and secondly he's never fought humans. Dusks are savage barely intelligent beings that does not fight with skill even when they wield weapons.
True, but being as these are merchant sailors who aren't armed with anything more than small rigging knives meant to cut through rope with, while Delfi is much better armed with two large dogs, he still fairs a chance.
Not that it matters, to be honest. He didn't win the fight. Being shoved overboard probably counts as being beaten, honestly.
