[Michelle]

Hi Young. Sorry for the wait. Stuff and things happened, but here’s your feedback:

1. Skill issues:

• a) “Expert Sneak” Definitely a no. At sixteen, your character should have one competent skill at most, unless their circumstances suggest otherwise. Currently, your character’s backstory does not support this skill (see point 4). Please revise either your character’s age, skills, or backstory.
  b) Furthermore, “sneak” and “athletics” require more definition. What do they specifically involve? Please clarify/elaborate.
  c) Is your character illiterate or innumerate? Please state so or otherwise under your character’s skills.

2. Please provide a personal items section. While your character’s backstory implies a few of those items, we require an exact list.
3. “The woman they called Rilian gave him a letter, and told him to show it to the people he would meet on someplace called the ‘Forbidden Lands’.” Please provide the contents of this letter.

4. Overall, you character’s backstory does not have enough detail, particularly with everything that occurred before Seven met Thaloran. While the prose implies a lot of what happened, and some details are given in dialogue, there’s not enough for staff to reliably go on and approve. For example, the backstory isn’t explicitly clear enough on things like the following: why Seven has to leave the mainland, what the Dark Hand did as an organisation, what Seven specifically did as part of the Dark Hand, what his early life was like, how he interacted with Rilian, and how he managed to kill the bandits and come out seemingly unharmed. These are the larger examples, but there are more. Remember, everything needs to be explicitly clear because staff need to know what they’re approving exactly. Please revise; I suggest you give these explicit details in a new section, not only so it won’t interrupt the flow of the prose and narrative of Seven’s backstory, but also because I don’t want to read 10,000+ words again.

If something isn’t clear, or if you have any questions, feel free to ask. That’s all for now. Good luck.

[LuckyLeaf]

Added a section called Epilogue and some clarifications to provide for the lacking details. Also edited skills, and added items and content of letter.

[LuckyLeaf]

Just had a quick fix at the skills, found out Seven was better with his weapons than his sneaking.

[Michelle]

1. Combat issues: these relate to the part where Seven killed the bandits. The overall issue is that this fight is too one-sided to be realistically balanced -- Seven comes out without a scratch, and no one acts against him.

• a) Darkness is for everyone. How come Seven can see in the dark enough to identify and attack the bandits, but they can’t do the same for him? Please revise/clarify.
  b) Seven covers a lot of ground while everyone else struggles to get their footing; either he’s implausibly quick, or everyone is implausibly slow to act. Please revise.
  c) Furthermore, why does no one defend themselves? This is linked with the above point. Seven kills all five of these people, and nothing suggests that they struggle, cry out, or fight back. These bandits are likely to be physically stronger than Seven, so even if they were disarmed, the fight should be more balanced. Please revise.

2. “Novice Husbandry - From his brief time at the farm.” Please specify what it is about Seven’s skill that makes it novice. Is he limited to certain animals? Or can he only do basic feeding and stall cleaning?
3. While the epilogue added new information to Seven’s backstory, it wasn’t quite what staff were asking for. We know plenty about the Dark Hand and what they did to children in general, and why they did what they did, etc, but we don’t know much about what Seven himself did specifically, and how it all impacted him. What we were asking for was basically a new section with the same backstory, but in a more standard format: third person, omnipresent view that’s mostly explicit information. Essentially, what this should focus on is how Seven became who he is. How did he come out of everything with such an innocent personality? Please revise/add this new section.

[LuckyLeaf]

Alright, so lets go over this one by one.

1. I have revised the combat bit in the story, I suggest you go read that part again. Two of the bandits were killed by Thaloran, so that leaves Seven with only three to kill, which I am hoping reduces his one sided fight.

a.) Well, the thing is in this case, none of the bandits were really looking for Seven, and he doesn't make a lot of noise when he moves. The two bandits that were thrown into the forest were looking at the campfire, where Thaloran and the others were, they weren't expecting Seven to be there. Seven himself, was looking into the camp from the shadows, and as we all know, its easier to see someone in the light from the cover of darkness than the other way around.

b.) I have dispatched two bandits in a different manner, that should give Seven ample time to get around to kill three bandits.

c.) Now, there are ways to kill someone without having them scream out, and Seven knows this. When the two bandits caught fire, the two in the forest would doubtlessly look towards the source of the screams. Seven crept up behind one, one that was deeper in the forest, and killed him, then moved on to kill the other. It was done very quickly, and silently, not that any sound could have been heard over the loud bawling of the burning bandits. As for Larius, well, he wasn't expecting Seven either, and was really too focused on Laura and hurting her, it's not too much work to run up to him and slide a blade across his neck.

2. Both, he has only dealt with chickens and a donkey. So he knows feeding, and cleaning, and he knows a bit about how not to make donkeys angry.

3. I have added more information under clarifications, please take a look at them.

Should be everything for now, I hope the changes work.