02-01-2017, 02:51 PM
Thread Rating:
Hutchy
Lord-Oberleutnant Hutchenstein I, Protector of the Realm, Hater of Juvenile-Technicolour-Horses
Lord-Oberleutnant Hutchenstein I, Protector of the Realm, Hater of Juvenile-Technicolour-Horses
03-01-2017, 06:51 PM
Hello, Noon, sorry for the wait. I'm Hutchy and I'll be helping you through whitelisting. Just a few things I need you to change to make your app acceptable.
First, I feel like I should refer you to a previously written culture lore found here. This is an accepted approximation of the Japanese style culture you seem to be going for. That said, I'd like you to study it and include some reference to it in your character's backstory.
Next, I'd like to see some further relation to the server's lore, found here. While it's fine to have your cahracter's upbringing be quite secluded, it is still necessary that the events going on in the background have a mention.
About the dragon, I'm not sure how many people are doing the fighting here. Currently it looks like only two people are fighting an overgrown, fire-breathing gecko which wouldn't end well for either of them. Especially given we currently have no idea how big a 'clan' is. Please clarify this.
Additionally, their clan set up on a peak, which tend to be quite desolate and barren. That said, I'd like some more detail on his escape.
14 years pass without much detail given as to his activity. It doesn't need to be much, but I'd like to see an explanation of how he lived for that time. As an idea, if where he settled was nearby, or people were receptive enough, he might have even started his own dojo.
As for your skills, I think they're fine.
That's all for now, post again in this thread when you've made your edits and we'll continue from there.
First, I feel like I should refer you to a previously written culture lore found here. This is an accepted approximation of the Japanese style culture you seem to be going for. That said, I'd like you to study it and include some reference to it in your character's backstory.
Next, I'd like to see some further relation to the server's lore, found here. While it's fine to have your cahracter's upbringing be quite secluded, it is still necessary that the events going on in the background have a mention.
About the dragon, I'm not sure how many people are doing the fighting here. Currently it looks like only two people are fighting an overgrown, fire-breathing gecko which wouldn't end well for either of them. Especially given we currently have no idea how big a 'clan' is. Please clarify this.
Additionally, their clan set up on a peak, which tend to be quite desolate and barren. That said, I'd like some more detail on his escape.
14 years pass without much detail given as to his activity. It doesn't need to be much, but I'd like to see an explanation of how he lived for that time. As an idea, if where he settled was nearby, or people were receptive enough, he might have even started his own dojo.
As for your skills, I think they're fine.
That's all for now, post again in this thread when you've made your edits and we'll continue from there.
HighOnNoon
Junior Member
Junior Member
04-01-2017, 06:41 PM
Hutchy dateline=' Wrote: Hello, Noon, sorry for the wait. I'm Hutchy and I'll be helping you through whitelisting. Just a few things I need you to change to make your app acceptable.
First, I feel like I should refer you to a previously written culture lore found here. This is an accepted approximation of the Japanese style culture you seem to be going for. That said, I'd like you to study it and include some reference to it in your character's backstory.
Next, I'd like to see some further relation to the server's lore, found here. While it's fine to have your cahracter's upbringing be quite secluded, it is still necessary that the events going on in the background have a mention.
About the dragon, I'm not sure how many people are doing the fighting here. Currently it looks like only two people are fighting an overgrown, fire-breathing gecko which wouldn't end well for either of them. Especially given we currently have no idea how big a 'clan' is. Please clarify this.
Additionally, their clan set up on a peak, which tend to be quite desolate and barren. That said, I'd like some more detail on his escape.
14 years pass without much detail given as to his activity. It doesn't need to be much, but I'd like to see an explanation of how he lived for that time. As an idea, if where he settled was nearby, or people were receptive enough, he might have even started his own dojo.
As for your skills, I think they're fine.
That's all for now, post again in this thread when you've made your edits and we'll continue from there.
Hello, Hutchy! I've done my edits, and have decided to rewrite my character. This is what I have come up with, and if possible, I'd like for this to be my character instead of the old one. Thank you for everything!
Hutchy
Lord-Oberleutnant Hutchenstein I, Protector of the Realm, Hater of Juvenile-Technicolour-Horses
Lord-Oberleutnant Hutchenstein I, Protector of the Realm, Hater of Juvenile-Technicolour-Horses
08-01-2017, 12:45 AM
Hello, Noon, next round.
First, as a personal favour, can you please separate your backstory into paragraphs, right now it's quite difficult for me to read.
Next, there is no actual place called Mesalia. All of this takes place in the Middle Realm.
Skillswise, your character needs a lot of tuning. Far as Lockpicking goes, an expert skill requires 15 years of basically doing nothing but lock picking, which he hasn't; also there has been no evidence of him learning or using this skill. Unless that changes I recommend that it is removed. The same goes for swordsmanship, there hasn't been any evidence of training or use in his backstory, so, while I can accept him having the skill, he hasn't studied it almost exclusively so I would recommend lowering it to an advanced skill at most.
That's all I have for you right now. Post again when your edits have been made and we'll continue.
First, as a personal favour, can you please separate your backstory into paragraphs, right now it's quite difficult for me to read.
(02-01-2017, 02:51 PM)HighOnNoon Wrote: by the age of ten having already killed his first humanTwo points here, first is that humans don't exist in Mesalia. Only Mesalians, Lucins and Xitians. Next that this is quite a big deal, therefore I would like to see more detail of this.
(02-01-2017, 02:51 PM)HighOnNoon Wrote: a child he had saved from the same future that took ahold of him,If this occurrence in his backstory is anything to go by, this is also a pretty big deal. That in mind, I would also like to see a more detailed explanation of how he did this.
Next, there is no actual place called Mesalia. All of this takes place in the Middle Realm.
Skillswise, your character needs a lot of tuning. Far as Lockpicking goes, an expert skill requires 15 years of basically doing nothing but lock picking, which he hasn't; also there has been no evidence of him learning or using this skill. Unless that changes I recommend that it is removed. The same goes for swordsmanship, there hasn't been any evidence of training or use in his backstory, so, while I can accept him having the skill, he hasn't studied it almost exclusively so I would recommend lowering it to an advanced skill at most.
That's all I have for you right now. Post again when your edits have been made and we'll continue.