23-03-2013, 05:12 PM
I'd like it if you could tell me what you mean by structure?
Edit: Never mind. Figured it out.
Edit: Never mind. Figured it out.
Thread Rating:
FireDog
Worst Mod NA
Worst Mod NA
25-03-2013, 03:42 PM
Alright! Time for round 2!
1. My problem of adding more detail remains. Try to explain your characters childhood and friends, how his life was with friends and family before conflicts came into play.
2. Sorta a nitpick, but possibly some better transitoning between your ideas and sentences. You have: "There was never really an end to what he could paint when he put his mind to it. He never did figure out why his parents were so nervous when he asked them about what his father did when he was young."
The second sentence feels a bit out of place and rather random. As I said in my first topic, more detail would help your story and help bring out less clunky-ness to it. As of now, it still feels like a list of events.
3. The skills are better, although maybe this child having great works of praised art at the age of ten is a bit of a stretch. Maybe if the character was a little older I would buy the concept.
1. My problem of adding more detail remains. Try to explain your characters childhood and friends, how his life was with friends and family before conflicts came into play.
2. Sorta a nitpick, but possibly some better transitoning between your ideas and sentences. You have: "There was never really an end to what he could paint when he put his mind to it. He never did figure out why his parents were so nervous when he asked them about what his father did when he was young."
The second sentence feels a bit out of place and rather random. As I said in my first topic, more detail would help your story and help bring out less clunky-ness to it. As of now, it still feels like a list of events.
3. The skills are better, although maybe this child having great works of praised art at the age of ten is a bit of a stretch. Maybe if the character was a little older I would buy the concept.
Shaishade
Member
Member
26-03-2013, 03:09 PM
The app is edited to the specifications to the best of my abilities.
FireDog
Worst Mod NA
Worst Mod NA
29-03-2013, 04:41 PM
Hello! I apologize for my delay. More or less on my own obliviousness on not noticing you posted. Anyways, this application is coming along and is looking much better.
The application has been edited to fit what I wanted, I just wanted to ask or elaborate on something that came to my mind.
1. You describe the Civil war as sorta built up anger and chaos among the town. Then insanity breaks out and the people go mad. Was there something to build this up? Was the mobs of people killing each other the result of riots against government or war? The civil wars usually are shown in conflicts between towns. However then can be other things. Please explain where these results came from. Thanks!
The application has been edited to fit what I wanted, I just wanted to ask or elaborate on something that came to my mind.
1. You describe the Civil war as sorta built up anger and chaos among the town. Then insanity breaks out and the people go mad. Was there something to build this up? Was the mobs of people killing each other the result of riots against government or war? The civil wars usually are shown in conflicts between towns. However then can be other things. Please explain where these results came from. Thanks!
Shaishade
Member
Member
31-03-2013, 05:44 PM
Apologies for the late reply. I can't simply write the Civil War lore for the entirety of the server, that's the Lore Keeper's job. I can, however, elaborate on what happened in my backstory. It was actually the fact that the government had not been funding the town sufficiently, and this caused the people to become hostile. Once the town became broke, they all went mad with money wants, and began beating the money out of each other. Once again, apologies for the late reply.