21-02-2013, 03:00 AM
As I said IG, this was well-written and the story had me emotionally invested in the characters. That being said, this needs some work.
1. His personality needs more elaboration in general. Currently, there doesn't seem to be more to Seven other than innocence through oblivion and brooding. Also, I feel like his backstory could do more to support Seven's innocence. While I understand he was taught not to question, it also seems he would have to have been quite aggressive in order to survive. How could he stay innocent there? Please clarify and/or revise this.
2. Alchemy. It's bottled magic, and you know what that means. Please revise this skill name, however I would recommend that you remove the skill. More information in the next point.
3. Your character seems to be too skilled in relation to his age. The options I would currently recommend would be to make him older and the removal of the alchemy skill, as it seems plausible for the character to be able in his work without it. Acrobatics also seems to be in the same catergory as alchemy, but I will leave this to you. Please consider and revise.
4. I understand that the character is young, but there needs to be more lore relation in this backstory, particularly towards 'the order'. The story seems to imply that they are Xitians manipulating their slaves with religion, but currently it is vague. What is their purpose? Please revise this.
That's all, for now. I haven't spoken to the other staff yet on granting you another character, but I will get onto that tomorrow, if not ASAP. Good luck.
EDIT: ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I FINISHED THREE MINUTES AFTER YOU LEFT IG! Arghhhh I wanted to tell you I finished looking at it! DX
SECOND EDIT: Staff have decided that your current character, Mittendri, needs more attention and development before Seven is approved.
1. His personality needs more elaboration in general. Currently, there doesn't seem to be more to Seven other than innocence through oblivion and brooding. Also, I feel like his backstory could do more to support Seven's innocence. While I understand he was taught not to question, it also seems he would have to have been quite aggressive in order to survive. How could he stay innocent there? Please clarify and/or revise this.
2. Alchemy. It's bottled magic, and you know what that means. Please revise this skill name, however I would recommend that you remove the skill. More information in the next point.
3. Your character seems to be too skilled in relation to his age. The options I would currently recommend would be to make him older and the removal of the alchemy skill, as it seems plausible for the character to be able in his work without it. Acrobatics also seems to be in the same catergory as alchemy, but I will leave this to you. Please consider and revise.
4. I understand that the character is young, but there needs to be more lore relation in this backstory, particularly towards 'the order'. The story seems to imply that they are Xitians manipulating their slaves with religion, but currently it is vague. What is their purpose? Please revise this.
That's all, for now. I haven't spoken to the other staff yet on granting you another character, but I will get onto that tomorrow, if not ASAP. Good luck.
EDIT: ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I FINISHED THREE MINUTES AFTER YOU LEFT IG! Arghhhh I wanted to tell you I finished looking at it! DX
SECOND EDIT: Staff have decided that your current character, Mittendri, needs more attention and development before Seven is approved.
![[Image: a88823d4-5335-49cc-91b4-f8c511e214f8_zps...1409225114]](http://i55.photobucket.com/albums/g158/mnguy3/a88823d4-5335-49cc-91b4-f8c511e214f8_zpsf21a961a.png?t=1409225114)