[SentaiPink]

Hello again! Sorry for the delay. I've been sick :c At any rate! Heres my thoughts on the updated application!

Backstory
Overall you're still lacking depth to the character, his family, his relationships with them, his history before this journey takes place, lore relation, and just overall elaboration. I need you to go into more detail on a lot of events and to include more impressions, thoughts, and emotions from the character to understand who he is.

middle continent

You are still using the wrong word for the Mainlands. My instruction to revise from my first post remains.

I asked him what I was like growing up toward other people because all I could think about back then was myself. He explained that I was an angry teenager and child and that I need to learn how to get people to like me.

Your character is all of 18 years old. The fact he has to ask someone what he was like as a child is rather unrealistic, nor do you offer any explanation as to WHY Russell behaves like this when he’s younger. All-in-all your character is lacking depth still, your summery for his personality also does little to enlighten who this person is. We’re not looking for a list of who he likes best, we’re looking for insight into the character of the individual. You shouldn’t need awkward passages like this for the sake of displaying depth or history to the character, this whole passage is written in first person and his narrative alone should convey a lot of these things. If he’s an angry person, then why doesn’t anything he write like he’s angry? So a lot more elaboration on personality in the backstory and the summary is necessary. Please Revise.

Day 12 of travel by boat, arrival in Forbidden Lands

It takes longer than 2 weeks to sail across the ocean. It usually takes 3-6 weeks to do it. Please Revise.

I told him that I was sorry for being disobedient at a younger age and he looked at me for a second and smiled. It was the first time I’ve ever seen him smile.

You list these things that happen to him like a log, not a journal. A log is a vague record of events that occurred and doesn’t include and feelings or insight which is what you have here. Why is there not a word over how it makes him feel to know he’d made progress with his relationship with his father? Write this like a journal, with the thoughts and feelings around each event, this is what will give insight into the character.

Every time we stop for the night Jon will teach me something new.

Bricks are heavy, as are the tools to work them, it is unrealistic to teach masonry while traveling. Please revise.

While we hike Jon and I talk about masonry while Franek and my father talk about the civil war

a brief mention of the wars is not adequate lore relation. please revise

Jon has taught me how to cut bricks and at one of our camps theres was a ran down brick building and he pointed out how the bricks were laid so evenly and so precise. That is why it still stands. I began to cut bricks the next day. He told me that the average size of a brick should be 13"x6"x2". He showed me how he cuts it then he guided me through the cutting process.

A run down building will not realistically have piles of uncut brick laying around to practice with nor would the small group be able to carry such things with them. Again remove the unrealistic attempts to learn this tradeskill while moving.

We were in a town today for rest and a man asked Jon to fix up his house because the attackers have been bombing it

What attackers? Why did they attack this person? Your too vague on whats happened here, please revise.

We have reached some kind of beacons and I suggested to follow them, maybe they will lead to somewhere. We began to follow them and we had to rest, but I see a town off in the distance. We’ve made it to civilization. Finally. I need to still train in masonwork though before I become the mason I wish to be...

Your character arrives in the setting alone, so what is the explanation for what's happened with his family?


Skills
Novice > Apprentice > Competent > Advanced > Expert > Master

"Masonry - Adept"
He has not trained nearly long enough to be adept at this skill, at best he’d be a novice but that isn’t taking into account that it’s unrealistic that he’d of learned while traveling.

You don’t provide adequate explanation for his ‘sketching’ or ‘estimating’ skills. I’d like you to go into depth with the skill list, such as:
Skill - Level
Description of skill and what it entails.


That's all I have for now, Thank you for your patience!