[Michelle]

Hi, French. Tim's going to be more busy than me this weekend, so we've agreed to let me take over from here.

1. Tim was wrong about pocket watches. They're perfectly fine in Mesalia.
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Your character should be able to have one, and you are able to change it back if you wish. Sorry the inconvenience.
2. Yes, please explain further about the red masks. Your quote doesn’t quite explain why your character wasn’t suspected when a heap of ‘the competition’ died. It needs more fleshing out. Please revise.
3. It’s a slight cop-out to say the character was completely unaffected by the Civil War. There would have been at least some attempted attacks that may have put some pressure on the government, and the red masks would make the most sense realistically if they were Xitians.

4. “The deal that he had to make was in exchange for their help in the election season, he would try to pardon most, if not all of their crimes, perhaps even make them immune to the law.”
“the “Red Masks” quickly became irritated… they has spent a lot, even lost a few good assassins attempting to thin out Julius’s competition, and they planned on getting their money’s worth”
“telling him that he had better pay his dues, or he was going to pay for it with his life”
This is inconsistent, thus unrealistic. If he made a deal to pardon the crimes, then why is money suddenly involved? Please revise.
5. When Julius arranges a secret ship and a task force to take him to the forbidden lands, he’s essentially abandoning his job and the city. Why does everyone (the rest of the government, Julius’ family, the task force, etc) think this is okay? Why isn’t it questioned? Please revise.

6. “He knew he had no way of winning, all of the others were far more popular, and had a far wider range of influence than he, but that wouldn’t stop him, he was prepared to stoop to any means necessary to get what he wanted, even if it was breaking the law.” This seems unmotivated, as nothing mentioned previously in the character’s backstory suggests why Julius would go to such extreme lengths to be governor. You need a clearer justification. Please revise.
7. You also need to demonstrate how your character’s personality has developed throughout his backstory a bit more. This relates slightly to point six. Currently, the backstory explains the skills and the character’s good traits, but it doesn’t really go into how the other aspects of his personality came about. Please elaborate and/or revise.

8. Your character’s personality requires more explicit detail. Your character’s traits conflict with one another (such as being polite, yet sarcastic and judgemental); note that conflicting traits aren’t necessarily bad, because people act differently with different levels and kinds of company. This would be the kind of complexity that staff look for in a character. Thus, as Tim said in his previous post, this character's personality is much better than the ones you've offered previously because it has hinted at complexity. Personally, I’m extremely pleased by this. However, we need to see more than just hinting and potential; in addition to listing traits, try discussing your character’s personality in prose under a new section. Consider how your character acts overall and under certain situations, and also how he can have conflicting character traits. Please revise and/or elaborate.

Overall, this concept deserves cookies. It has potential as an in-depth character, as well as potential for RP - especially with this map, where non-staff character leaders are lacking. It just needs detail, and a few plot fixes. That’s all. Good luck.