25-07-2013, 02:25 PM
Hi River. I’ll be handling your submission today. We’ve a few things to go over though.
Your backstory needs more detail. You don’t give a lot of reasoning behind some of the things in your character’s backstory that need it. For instance, why would a tribe made up of former slaves be pacifistic? Didn’t they just fight in the Veld War to win their freedom? If their tribe held pacifistic beliefs, why would her father want her to learn to use a weapon? I advise you comb over your application and add clarification where it’s needed.
What kind of engineering did she learn? There are many different forms of engineering and the skills and knowledge involved honestly don’t correlate with each other much at all. Please revise and clarify.
Your skills need revision. I’d like you to keep in mind that ‘competent’’ means the average skill level of someone who does their trade for a living. Do you mean to imply she can tattoo, throw knives, and has some form of engineering that she can perform professionally? Please revise.
Your application doesn't define your character’s personality. I need you to add a section on her personality and descriptively define who she is. It doesn't seem right that more emphasis is placed on appearance in specific than personality. Additionally, please make sure that the personality you give her is directly supported by her experiences in her backstory.
That's the first round. Good luck with your revisions.
Your backstory needs more detail. You don’t give a lot of reasoning behind some of the things in your character’s backstory that need it. For instance, why would a tribe made up of former slaves be pacifistic? Didn’t they just fight in the Veld War to win their freedom? If their tribe held pacifistic beliefs, why would her father want her to learn to use a weapon? I advise you comb over your application and add clarification where it’s needed.
What kind of engineering did she learn? There are many different forms of engineering and the skills and knowledge involved honestly don’t correlate with each other much at all. Please revise and clarify.
Your skills need revision. I’d like you to keep in mind that ‘competent’’ means the average skill level of someone who does their trade for a living. Do you mean to imply she can tattoo, throw knives, and has some form of engineering that she can perform professionally? Please revise.
Your application doesn't define your character’s personality. I need you to add a section on her personality and descriptively define who she is. It doesn't seem right that more emphasis is placed on appearance in specific than personality. Additionally, please make sure that the personality you give her is directly supported by her experiences in her backstory.
That's the first round. Good luck with your revisions.