14-08-2013, 04:19 PM
(This post was last modified: 14-08-2013, 04:21 PM by SentaiPink.)
Round three. Please carefully read my instructions and modify the application accordingly. You’re getting closer however. Good work so far.
The following still applies from my previous review:
Quote:Airwalk learned this skill much quicker than most toddlers and this success was followed by much more successes in the art of stealth.
This is unrealistic. From birth until about 7 your life is consumed with just developing motor skills and learning to talk. Revise.
Quote:When Airwalk turned 18, Mesalians were now fighting each other like never before.
Are you certain your math is correct here? If the civil fighting was a little slow to reach the area he lived in please explain why.
- Please explain why it was the family was exterminated.
Currently the story lacks what motivation the Mesalians had to kill them.
- The backstory doesn’t fully justify his personality:
Please add a bit more as to how these events shaped who the character is. What’s more, is a character that is socially akward or quiet is very hard to RP on a server like Mesalia as most of our RP is socially motivated. I’d recommend perhaps revising to give him a bit more openness so you don’t end up RPing alone in corners all the time.
- Overall the backstory still needs more elaboration:
At the moment we’re left to infer what happened between the lines which makes it hard to accurately gauge the application and the character as these assumptions could be incorrect. Please specify more about the family, the wars, his personality and what he’s done with himself.
- Please Proofread
grammatical and spelling errors make it exceedingly hard to follow the story.
- What specifically is in the food pack?
The following still applies from my previous review:
Quote:Please read the skill guide:
http://www.mesalia.net/forum/showthread....25#pid1825
As stated in the guide, someone all of 25 is not capable of being a master or expert at anything. It takes a long time to just get to advanced and if this character is only 25 he’s not lived long enough to get so many skills so far along. Please read and revise the skills accordingly.