07-12-2013, 01:09 AM
Hello Stezzo! I'm going to be looking at Delfi (And Heidi) For approval. So lets get down to business shall we *cracks knuckles*
.... Wow, I was expecting a much longer app given your last one. So lets get your review rolling...
Personality
A little light? It doesn't appear his personality has much going on nor does it feel like he's developed much, but that maybe due to the vagueness of the backstory. Try to insert a bit more depth here because at the moment he seems like he doesn't have much of an emotional range, and if that's intentional it should be explained.
Skills
Ok, so lets take a look at your skills, there's a lot of them...
Backstory
As ever your writing is solid, if not a little brisk this time around. We've got a few things needing a bit more insight into.
The story as it's written flows very well, it just unfortunately lacks in details that we need to see a clear progression and growth for the characters personal traits and skills. So, you can add a separate section for these things and details as needed.
.... Wow, I was expecting a much longer app given your last one. So lets get your review rolling...
Personality
A little light? It doesn't appear his personality has much going on nor does it feel like he's developed much, but that maybe due to the vagueness of the backstory. Try to insert a bit more depth here because at the moment he seems like he doesn't have much of an emotional range, and if that's intentional it should be explained.
Skills
Ok, so lets take a look at your skills, there's a lot of them...
- I feel hunting with dogs is a separate skill from just hunting and should be listed as such.
- He's 25 with 2 advanced skills, 3 competent, 3 apprentice, 1 novice. Please change some of the levels down, as these are over all too high for his age.
- He's got 4 different combat based skills (in this case I'm counting the bolas). It doesn't make much sense to me for an accomplished archer to get into melee with monsters. Please revise this to either remove the extra combat skills (I'm referring mostly to Hand-to-hand and possibly knife) or provide reasoning as to why they were necessary when a bow is so much safer and more efficient.
- There is very little explanation of his mercantile skill in his backstory and it seems almost out of left field. This is of course reading the app without taking into account Heidi's backstory.
Backstory
As ever your writing is solid, if not a little brisk this time around. We've got a few things needing a bit more insight into.
- 'fire nation' - *bap*
- Outside of his sister there is little going on for Delfi himself.
- His personality doesn't shine through nor show any development in the backstory.
- Not all of his skills, or how they're learned, are explained in the backstory.
- There isn't enough elaboration on how these events shaped Defli as a person.
The story as it's written flows very well, it just unfortunately lacks in details that we need to see a clear progression and growth for the characters personal traits and skills. So, you can add a separate section for these things and details as needed.