07-12-2013, 07:48 PM
Long time no talk, I'll be grading this one now.
Back story issues:
- The parents? You mention them once or twice, but never again. Show some relations between your characters and his parents. If the parents died or left, explain why.
- The mutiny? I can see you were stylized when writing this, but you have to give a better description. How many people fought? if he never fought a human before, how come he could go toe to toe with a few (I would assume) now? How did his sister find him? If the crew was tired of the strangers, how come his sister wasn't killed or maimed or etc while on the boat? If she was thrown of too, how did she survive?
-Time frame? Can you give some dates to when this stuff occurred? I can't assess how well the skills are balanced without knowing when he started training, etc. You can just put (Age: 0-6) or something like that between each section.
-Other races? Did the xitians and lucins of the world not ever meet this caravan? Does he hold anything against the races being the prologue would suggest that.
-The caravan? How large was it? How come if he was hunting he also went into town to sell the items, I feel like in a caravan there would be someone else for that.
Skills
-Horse riding? I don't see a specific event where he rides a horse. Maybe expand on that somewhere.
-Mercantilism? I feel like having that adds a little to much to his skill list and isn't justified well enough in the story.
That's it for now.
Back story issues:
- The parents? You mention them once or twice, but never again. Show some relations between your characters and his parents. If the parents died or left, explain why.
- The mutiny? I can see you were stylized when writing this, but you have to give a better description. How many people fought? if he never fought a human before, how come he could go toe to toe with a few (I would assume) now? How did his sister find him? If the crew was tired of the strangers, how come his sister wasn't killed or maimed or etc while on the boat? If she was thrown of too, how did she survive?
-Time frame? Can you give some dates to when this stuff occurred? I can't assess how well the skills are balanced without knowing when he started training, etc. You can just put (Age: 0-6) or something like that between each section.
-Other races? Did the xitians and lucins of the world not ever meet this caravan? Does he hold anything against the races being the prologue would suggest that.
-The caravan? How large was it? How come if he was hunting he also went into town to sell the items, I feel like in a caravan there would be someone else for that.
Skills
-Horse riding? I don't see a specific event where he rides a horse. Maybe expand on that somewhere.
-Mercantilism? I feel like having that adds a little to much to his skill list and isn't justified well enough in the story.
That's it for now.