[Michelle]

Hi, Tig. Sorry for the wait; a few things needed double-checking, and no one was available.

1. You need more detail in the backstory overall, particularly with the timeline. It’s difficult to tell how old Mathias was when events occurred, which makes it difficult to see the justification with your character’s skills (i.e. when he started learning things, when his responsibilities grew). Please elaborate/revise, and see point three for more.
2. “There was never any shortage of discipline … He grew respectful and calm.” The crassness and flirtatiousness that Mathias develops later seems to contradict this. Contradiction is fine; people are contradictory, but his personality description should explain this further. Why does this contradiction exist? Please revise/elaborate.

3. Skill issues - see point one for related information:

• a) “Northern Language ( If there is one or ever is one )” We’re not accepting any more characters who can speak Northern until there’s a lore for it. If you, or someone else gets a lore approved for it later, you can apply for a skill change. But until then, please remove this.
  b) “Competent Fighting, with Longsword and Forge Hammer” This should be two skills, because the weapons and their combat styles aren’t similar enough. Furthermore, the forge hammer combat seems unjustified by Mathias’ backstory; a guard training with a sword is believable, but a forge hammer isn’t. Please revise.
  c) “Apprentice Mining ( Iron & Coal only )” Is this just surface mining? Does the skill involve stone mining? Building supports? Please clarify/elaborate with more detail.
  d) “Lucin Language ( Learned to better work with the large number of lucins in Winterstone... And flirt. )” This requires some kind of rank indication, because so far it can only be assumed that no rank means that he’s fluent. The reasoning provided doesn’t justify fluent Lucin; at the very most, I’d allow Lucin at a more basic, conversational level. Please provide a skill rank and revise.

4. Lore issues:

• a) There’s no mention of the Dusk Portal’s re-opening, which was introduced in the new lore update. Mathias and Winterstone might have not heard about it in its earlier stages, but it’s been open for about a year and a half now (opened in 35AV, it’s now halfway through 36AV). Plus, it’s likely he would’ve heard about it from the riders. Please revise to incorporate this information.
  b) “There were plenty of lucins in Winterstone, not a garrison but enough to call on the protection of the celestial kingdom whenever it was needed, or so everyone always assumed.” I understand that this fails later, which makes sense. However the average Lucin, regardless of social class, would not expect the Celestial Kingdom to protect a Middle Realm settlement. Thus, this as the town’s premeditated, go-to option would be unrealistic. Please revise with this information in mind.

There’s another point that’s in your PM inbox; please also address that when you go to revise. That’s all, for now. Good luck.