27-02-2013, 07:03 AM
Hi there! I'm Pinkie! Remember me? :D I'm here to help with your app! You're getting there, but theres still some things that need to be worked out. I really recommend re-reading the last age, it never hurts to have one last look before making revisions.
1. You have the wars mixed up. So please adjust the back-story accordingly, the story as a whole could still use more lore relation and depth overall.
2. Age/skills
you have her start whittling at six and supposedly selling these creations by 8. If my math is correct, you only account for about 12 years, and those years are showing a lot of advancement with a very difficult skill (Bowering and fletching). I would recommend looking over what you have for her age and when these event occur to make them a little more realistic. Generally someone her age probably would only be able to make very simple bows and arrows.
3. While you mention what your characters personality is, you don't offer much in the way of explanation, stating she's got a 'stone-cold heart' yet she behaves in a manor that's carefree and whimsical, perhaps some insight into why she is the way she is, how this contradiction to her character even works. Perhaps some more insight into her upbringing and parents would help as well.
4. You have to account for her coming to the forbidden lands, but she wouldn't be arriving in a town. I don't think. To be honest, where she arrives will depend on when she's accepted, so its best to keep that vague.
Keep at it, I'm sure we can get this worked out!
1. You have the wars mixed up. So please adjust the back-story accordingly, the story as a whole could still use more lore relation and depth overall.
2. Age/skills
you have her start whittling at six and supposedly selling these creations by 8. If my math is correct, you only account for about 12 years, and those years are showing a lot of advancement with a very difficult skill (Bowering and fletching). I would recommend looking over what you have for her age and when these event occur to make them a little more realistic. Generally someone her age probably would only be able to make very simple bows and arrows.
3. While you mention what your characters personality is, you don't offer much in the way of explanation, stating she's got a 'stone-cold heart' yet she behaves in a manor that's carefree and whimsical, perhaps some insight into why she is the way she is, how this contradiction to her character even works. Perhaps some more insight into her upbringing and parents would help as well.
4. You have to account for her coming to the forbidden lands, but she wouldn't be arriving in a town. I don't think. To be honest, where she arrives will depend on when she's accepted, so its best to keep that vague.
Keep at it, I'm sure we can get this worked out!