13-05-2014, 04:30 PM
Hey, Demo. Fire here. I will be grading your character submission to Mesalia. We got a bit to cover and go over.
1. Skills: The skills you have listed break many things we are trying to get in Mesalia. The fact that you have the skills as such proves to me that you have not read the skill guide in full, maybe skimmed it to see what the ranks are.
Before I get into anything, I need to address just how skills work. Competent does not mean that you are just okay at something. Competent means you are fully able to preform your job at a work place level and consider it a profession. A competent smith has worked on that trade his entire life. A competent swordsman, such as Thomas, has trained since adolescent years and has put years of devoted study to just that practice. Additionally, learning a job skill has to have specific training in it. Meaning if you learn multiple things, you are not going to be as good at those things as you would if you just worked on that skill. I suggest you fully read the skill guide and get a better grasp on just how skills work with Mesalia.
First, your character has too many job skills at too high of level, here's a list:
- Blacksmithing (Apprentice)
Smithing takes years and years of countless hard work to get anything decent out of it. Additionally, she has no way of learning how to smith, as she comes from a nomad culture. A nomad culture would not have the access to a forge, which are stationary placements, and take use of it. She has no reason to have this skill as she wouldn't have been able to learn it in a nomad culture.
- Cooking (Competent)
A competent cook is someone good enough to work in a kitchen at a high priced restaurant and make quality meals at a fast pace in a chaotic environment. This does not apply to your character as she seems to only have the basics of cooking to make a simple meal for herself.
This would require that she has trained since being a young girl, similar to how Thomas has trained since he was a young boy, in hand to hand combat and learned from experts. Competent does not mean something you are okay at. Her being competent in hand to hand combat suggests she has worked half her life, note, the only half she would have to learn reasonably as she would be too young before the age of say ten or twelve, on this combat skill.
- Sword/Blade Combat (Competent)
Same applies to above. Simply put, one can not be competent at this combat skill and the other at the age of twenty-three.
- Archery (Apprentice)
Another combat skill that would take years of study.
- Medicine (Advanced)
First, medicine is a huge skill. A very complicated skill. Meaning that unless this skill was the only thing your character learned, and by above that is not true, she would be at most, competent in the skill.
- Sewing (Apprentice)
Another job skill at apprentice level. Most notably it has nothing to do with the others skills.
- Construction (Apprentice)
Another job skill at apprentice level. Most notably it has nothing to do with the others skills.
There are way too many skills at way too high of a level. Additonally, I do not like this justification in the story as to why she has these skills.
During childhood, children are leaning to be people. Not handle weapons and smith at a forge. Childhood is an age of development is saying a character learned skills since childhood comes across as almost an attempt at an excuse for having several high level skills. She would start leaning the majority of what she knows around the ages of ten through twelve. Finally, a nomad group realistically would not have jack of all trades, but instead specific jobs for everyone. Warriors, medicine men/women, and cooks in separate jobs; as it is impossible to learn all those things and be skilled at them in a reasonable amount of time.
2. Personality: While you have an in depth personality for the character, there are a few notable issues.
First off, your character makes no progression of personality during her story. The way it is presented and told, she has remained the same throughout the entirety of her life. You need to show progression and growth as she changes throughout her life. People do this.
Second, the section on how she acts regarding the opposite gender is not really needed. While yes, she, along with all characters, have ways of working around the opposite gender, it is not really appropriate here. Suppose what I am trying to say is that the personality shouldn't include how she is with men, and more important things when regarding personality that actually relate to the personality.
Third, the accent and dialect. Remove it. I feel the need to be rather blunt here, but what you have written for examples as to how she speaks is borderline racism and blatant stereotyping. It's offensive. Additionally, Mongols do not even fall into that stereotype of speaking as they have their own distinct speech patters in how they sound. Regardless, you need to remove that. I would much prefer if she spoke in a regular, not stereotypical or offensive accent. Also, something to remember, accents do not define characters; personality does. Focus more on who the character is rather than what she sounds like.
Please fix these issues before we continue.
1. Skills: The skills you have listed break many things we are trying to get in Mesalia. The fact that you have the skills as such proves to me that you have not read the skill guide in full, maybe skimmed it to see what the ranks are.
Before I get into anything, I need to address just how skills work. Competent does not mean that you are just okay at something. Competent means you are fully able to preform your job at a work place level and consider it a profession. A competent smith has worked on that trade his entire life. A competent swordsman, such as Thomas, has trained since adolescent years and has put years of devoted study to just that practice. Additionally, learning a job skill has to have specific training in it. Meaning if you learn multiple things, you are not going to be as good at those things as you would if you just worked on that skill. I suggest you fully read the skill guide and get a better grasp on just how skills work with Mesalia.
First, your character has too many job skills at too high of level, here's a list:
- Blacksmithing (Apprentice)
Smithing takes years and years of countless hard work to get anything decent out of it. Additionally, she has no way of learning how to smith, as she comes from a nomad culture. A nomad culture would not have the access to a forge, which are stationary placements, and take use of it. She has no reason to have this skill as she wouldn't have been able to learn it in a nomad culture.
- Cooking (Competent)
A competent cook is someone good enough to work in a kitchen at a high priced restaurant and make quality meals at a fast pace in a chaotic environment. This does not apply to your character as she seems to only have the basics of cooking to make a simple meal for herself.
Quote:Competent (Average, Moderate, Proficient)- Hand-To-Hand Combat (Competent)
5-9 years of practice and experience has made this skill a part of this character's life, they’ve spent a lot of time honing their skill to the point where its a viable source of income or a serious aspiration for them. At this level and beyond you could teach others this skill.
This would require that she has trained since being a young girl, similar to how Thomas has trained since he was a young boy, in hand to hand combat and learned from experts. Competent does not mean something you are okay at. Her being competent in hand to hand combat suggests she has worked half her life, note, the only half she would have to learn reasonably as she would be too young before the age of say ten or twelve, on this combat skill.
- Sword/Blade Combat (Competent)
Same applies to above. Simply put, one can not be competent at this combat skill and the other at the age of twenty-three.
- Archery (Apprentice)
Another combat skill that would take years of study.
Quote:Apprentice (Basic, Easy)
The characters skills have furthered through either tutelage or hard earned experience over 3-4 years. This is the sort of level of skill it takes to be competent enough to complete simple tasks or even do a certain skill or job reasonably for a living. Though it can be time consuming and slow. Anyone competent or better could teach to this skill level.
- Medicine (Advanced)
First, medicine is a huge skill. A very complicated skill. Meaning that unless this skill was the only thing your character learned, and by above that is not true, she would be at most, competent in the skill.
Quote:Advanced (Adept, Skilled, Journeymen)
This is as far as most skills can ever get. This would take 10-14 years of study (the more complex the skill, like swordsmanship or medicine, more.) and practice to get. This includes devoted study or consistent practice to the subject. A well rounded character generally would have one or possibly two skills to this level so long as they’re simple skills or perhaps an appropriately aged character. Its possible to have more. At say 25 you shouldn’t have more then MAYBE a single skill if it was taught exceedingly young, and said tutelage continued along with the accumulation of a great deal of experience. Characters around this age who strive for an advanced skill don't have the time or experience to have other skills. In order to qualify as advanced they'd have to have a wide and extremely varied set of experience in the specific job, which for younger characters is the hardest obligation to meet to reach this level.
- Sewing (Apprentice)
Another job skill at apprentice level. Most notably it has nothing to do with the others skills.
- Construction (Apprentice)
Another job skill at apprentice level. Most notably it has nothing to do with the others skills.
There are way too many skills at way too high of a level. Additonally, I do not like this justification in the story as to why she has these skills.
Quote:Her entire childhood revolved around teaching her how to do certain things. She would be trained in the essentials of nearly everything, within reason. Blacksmithing, hand-to-hand combat, swordsmanship, archery, crude construction, sewing and patchwork, cooking, and so on and so forth. Every person in the nomadic group would grow to be a jack of all trades by the age of twenty, and so she did.
During childhood, children are leaning to be people. Not handle weapons and smith at a forge. Childhood is an age of development is saying a character learned skills since childhood comes across as almost an attempt at an excuse for having several high level skills. She would start leaning the majority of what she knows around the ages of ten through twelve. Finally, a nomad group realistically would not have jack of all trades, but instead specific jobs for everyone. Warriors, medicine men/women, and cooks in separate jobs; as it is impossible to learn all those things and be skilled at them in a reasonable amount of time.
2. Personality: While you have an in depth personality for the character, there are a few notable issues.
First off, your character makes no progression of personality during her story. The way it is presented and told, she has remained the same throughout the entirety of her life. You need to show progression and growth as she changes throughout her life. People do this.
Second, the section on how she acts regarding the opposite gender is not really needed. While yes, she, along with all characters, have ways of working around the opposite gender, it is not really appropriate here. Suppose what I am trying to say is that the personality shouldn't include how she is with men, and more important things when regarding personality that actually relate to the personality.
Third, the accent and dialect. Remove it. I feel the need to be rather blunt here, but what you have written for examples as to how she speaks is borderline racism and blatant stereotyping. It's offensive. Additionally, Mongols do not even fall into that stereotype of speaking as they have their own distinct speech patters in how they sound. Regardless, you need to remove that. I would much prefer if she spoke in a regular, not stereotypical or offensive accent. Also, something to remember, accents do not define characters; personality does. Focus more on who the character is rather than what she sounds like.
Please fix these issues before we continue.