[Hutchy]

Alright, Kitty, next round.

First, we must ask that you change the name. We feel that what looks like a Game of Thrones reference would make it a little more difficult to take the character seriously during RP.

• ‘I played with my wolf’ While wolves aren’t as vicious as they’re reputed to be, they’re still opportunistic carnivores… and a small, unsupervised child would be like ringing the dinner bell. You need to change this to some form of domesticated dog. If you can’t name one, just calling it a dog will satisfy this.

• ‘Civil war was happening in the world. My family moved here to get away.’ We need more detail here, and in other areas of the story that will be described. Where did they move away from? Did they only move here to get away from the war or was there a more specific reason? Please elaborate.

• ‘My mother's sister mailed her saying soldiers were heading their way.’ There’s a few problems here. First, it seems contradictory to the implied idea that their location is as remote as it’s made out to be. Second, for the same reason, if the soldiers are heading in her mother’s sister’s direction, why are they in a hurry to leave? Maybe of least concern, how did whoever is posting the letter deliver to this remote location? Please elaborate on these points.

• ‘He said a man was looking for him and would help him.’ You haven’t described them having any contact with other people during their journey, which is the only way he could know this. Please elaborate.

• ‘the lights were coming towards us, directly from the front.’ So if they know the soldiers are coming from the front, why would they keep riding toward them if they know the soldiers are there? Additionally, it’s dark and the soldiers are a while off, they aren’t surrounded for a while so couldn’t they change direction? Please elaborate.

That's all for this round, bump the thread when you're done with the edits and we can continue. As a favour for my poor ability to read walls of text on this screen, can you please colour your edits in yellow or another contrasting colour? Thanks.