Appearance
Grading:
1. I’m going to ask that you rewrite “an appearance that is akin to a real life Asian Mongolian woman” to an actual description of the character’s characteristics. Thus you’ll avoid confusion and accidentally offending others.
2. I’ll also ask for clarification with her eye colour. You write “hazel, almost orange eyes” while as far as I know, the closest you can get to an orange-ish shade to one’s eyes would be amber coloured eyes. Not hazel. It’s also confusing as “hazel” exist in different colour combinations.
Personality
Grading:
3. I find the mention of her being an introvert confusing. You say that she is and gives it the reason for her being shy and then claims the reason rather is that she’s not good at talking. I’d suggest you read up on introverts, just rephrase or remove that statement as being an introvert isn’t caused by being bad at talking nor does it equal shyness.
Backstory
4. “She became very physically fit. She remained with an hour glass figure, but became much tougher than most of the women her age, and thus warded most of the men off. “ Here you tend to use a lot of less objective language and it’d be best if you rephrase. Remember that tastes differ and that saying that for women a tougher figure wards off men can be offensive. I’d suggest explaining why the men of her caravan would hold so general preferences.
5. “Void walkers” is an OOC name. There’s no IC general name yet. They also only appear in the Forbidden Lands.
6. There’s no mention of why or how the vagrant group came to avoid slavery and Xitians for them to only have heard of the race by rumour.
Items
- The machete appears a bit random and if she uses it for protection; how if she’s not trained in it?
- “Misc stuff” need to be specified properly.
- So far we do not allow horses to be brought into the setting. Mostly due to the months long trip overseas and in order to be fair towards everyone.
Grading:
![[+]](/images/collapse_collapsed.png "[+]")
Spoiler1. I’m going to ask that you rewrite “an appearance that is akin to a real life Asian Mongolian woman” to an actual description of the character’s characteristics. Thus you’ll avoid confusion and accidentally offending others.
2. I’ll also ask for clarification with her eye colour. You write “hazel, almost orange eyes” while as far as I know, the closest you can get to an orange-ish shade to one’s eyes would be amber coloured eyes. Not hazel. It’s also confusing as “hazel” exist in different colour combinations.
Personality
Grading:
3. I find the mention of her being an introvert confusing. You say that she is and gives it the reason for her being shy and then claims the reason rather is that she’s not good at talking. I’d suggest you read up on introverts, just rephrase or remove that statement as being an introvert isn’t caused by being bad at talking nor does it equal shyness.
Backstory
4. “She became very physically fit. She remained with an hour glass figure, but became much tougher than most of the women her age, and thus warded most of the men off. “ Here you tend to use a lot of less objective language and it’d be best if you rephrase. Remember that tastes differ and that saying that for women a tougher figure wards off men can be offensive. I’d suggest explaining why the men of her caravan would hold so general preferences.
5. “Void walkers” is an OOC name. There’s no IC general name yet. They also only appear in the Forbidden Lands.
6. There’s no mention of why or how the vagrant group came to avoid slavery and Xitians for them to only have heard of the race by rumour.
Items
- The machete appears a bit random and if she uses it for protection; how if she’s not trained in it?
- “Misc stuff” need to be specified properly.
- So far we do not allow horses to be brought into the setting. Mostly due to the months long trip overseas and in order to be fair towards everyone.