29-06-2014, 10:53 PM
Hello Jacob! I'm Leaf, and I'll be looking into your app.
First off, you may be confused over some of the events that happened in our lore and when they happened. I’d ask you to read it through one more time, but I’ll point out some things that you might want to know.
Timey-wimey: Cersus is mentioned to be 34 at the end of your backstory, which is fine of course, but the problem is that he had experienced the War of Veld. You see, the War of Veld happened about 48 years ago from our current time lore wise, which means that Cersus can’t be 34 years old, but about 43, give or take.
Liberation: Next up is on the details of the War of Veld. The War of Veld was a war of liberation for the people of the Middle Realm, a war that set them free from slavery under the Xitians, who were driven away by the Lucins. While it is possible that Cersus’ village suffered from the war efforts, the war was directed towards the Xitians, not the Mesalians. I think you might want to take note of that.
Alchemy: I’d like you to know that alchemy isn’t really a thing in our world. I mean, you can insist on being an alchemist, but just be aware that alchemy in our world is treated the same as alchemy is our IRL world, which means that anything alchemists can whip up in their cauldrons likely don’t have any effect at all on anything, like resurrect dead bodies and set them to peace again, or anything of the sort that imbues a magical attribute to them.
You can insist that alchemists can make potions and poisons, but I will then to ask you to change his job title from alchemist, to something more appropriate, because the word “potion” means the same to us and our characters; something quack, and nothing like the potions you’d see in video games.
The Other events?: The War of Veld, as important as it is to the history of Mesalia, isn’t the only big thing that happened. Following the War of Veld was the Purges, after which were the Civil Wars. About Twenty years later, the wars ended and the gate to the Dusk Realm reopened, and because these were such big events, I’ll have to ask you to tell me how these affected Cersus, or if they didn’t, why they didn't.
Next up is, well, realism, coupled with a need for elaboration. There isn’t much in your backstory that lets me know who this Cersus fella really is, and I’d like you to tell me more of your character.
Children born during the War of Veld: Just so you know, the War of Veld only lasted 10 years, so if the children were born during the war, they’d be 10 years old at max, so they probably wouldn’t have worked as much and their uncle would have had a much more difficult time.
Slavers: I’m intrigued that the slavers weren’t stopped by anyone at all other than a boy. Were there no guards in that town? Did none of the townsfolk know how to defend themselves? If by chance the slavers overwhelmed the townspeople and took them all in ropes and chains, how was Cersus spared? Please elaborate how they managed to take slaves of people so easily.
Poison: Cersus mixes poison at such a young age, using materials that he probably never used before, in a kitchen that he’s probably never been before except to clean the floor. If Cersus is a child, give or take 10, he wouldn’t know how to cook, therefore he’d never have used the kitchen, which consequently means that he wouldn’t know anything about making poison. And a kitchen of all places! I’m wondering what kind of kitchen actually has ingredients to make poison, and how he would have even been allowed to gain any knowledge of it.
He could’ve mixed any old junk lying around, sure, but that would taste simply foul, and I imagine the slavers would’ve found out very easily if such a thing was applied in their food. The issue here is that he made the poison himself, and I ask you to change this fact.
Path of Alchemy: Which leads me to this point, and the next major point after this. So Cersus learns more of alchemy over the years, with no teacher to teach him, and no tomes, books, or whatsoever to help him along. It would have been an extremely slow process, experimenting with all the ingredients he could find around not to mention the experiments as well, because well, who would he experiment on? If he stuck round to creating stuff like, say, healing salves, or lip balms, (because like I said previously, potions are not a thing) that would be fine, but poison? He’d have been found out eventually if he was killing people at all, and would have been punished accordingly. I suggest maybe give him a teacher earlier on?
Resurrection of Anna: So this is possibly the biggest issue out of all. I don’t how to break it to you, but there is no reviving of the dead, or reanimating corpses and all sorts related to the word ‘magic’ in our world. The powers of the Lucins and Xitians are more of a racial property and are exerted physically, not magically, using say, the power of your mind.
So it’s impossible that Cersus would have even caused his sister’s corpse to twitch, much less regain her soul and curse Cersus. So basically the whole event can’t happen, and also means you need to have a whole bit to edit so Cersus and his father meet.
Grofin: Tiny plug, previous points I mentioned about alchemy still apply, and Grofin should be edited accordingly.
That’s it for realism, at least as far as I can see. I hope you don’t get overwhelmed by all this.
And we now move on to the skills, which will be short.
Alchemy: Currently you only list alchemy as a skill, and well, give no means for us to gauge how good he actually is. I’d like you to take a look at our skill guide: http://www.mesalia.net/forum/showthread....40#pid2840 and see how you can spruce this up.
The last thing I’d like to point out - the last, I promise – is that all backstories need to end with the character coming to the Forbidden Lands, where our story takes place.
So take a lean back, maybe have a cup of tea, and have a bit of a think over how you want your character to be portrayed and bump the thread when you’re done editing, thanks!
-=oOo=-
First off, you may be confused over some of the events that happened in our lore and when they happened. I’d ask you to read it through one more time, but I’ll point out some things that you might want to know.
Timey-wimey: Cersus is mentioned to be 34 at the end of your backstory, which is fine of course, but the problem is that he had experienced the War of Veld. You see, the War of Veld happened about 48 years ago from our current time lore wise, which means that Cersus can’t be 34 years old, but about 43, give or take.
Liberation: Next up is on the details of the War of Veld. The War of Veld was a war of liberation for the people of the Middle Realm, a war that set them free from slavery under the Xitians, who were driven away by the Lucins. While it is possible that Cersus’ village suffered from the war efforts, the war was directed towards the Xitians, not the Mesalians. I think you might want to take note of that.
Alchemy: I’d like you to know that alchemy isn’t really a thing in our world. I mean, you can insist on being an alchemist, but just be aware that alchemy in our world is treated the same as alchemy is our IRL world, which means that anything alchemists can whip up in their cauldrons likely don’t have any effect at all on anything, like resurrect dead bodies and set them to peace again, or anything of the sort that imbues a magical attribute to them.
You can insist that alchemists can make potions and poisons, but I will then to ask you to change his job title from alchemist, to something more appropriate, because the word “potion” means the same to us and our characters; something quack, and nothing like the potions you’d see in video games.
The Other events?: The War of Veld, as important as it is to the history of Mesalia, isn’t the only big thing that happened. Following the War of Veld was the Purges, after which were the Civil Wars. About Twenty years later, the wars ended and the gate to the Dusk Realm reopened, and because these were such big events, I’ll have to ask you to tell me how these affected Cersus, or if they didn’t, why they didn't.
-=oOo=-
Next up is, well, realism, coupled with a need for elaboration. There isn’t much in your backstory that lets me know who this Cersus fella really is, and I’d like you to tell me more of your character.
Children born during the War of Veld: Just so you know, the War of Veld only lasted 10 years, so if the children were born during the war, they’d be 10 years old at max, so they probably wouldn’t have worked as much and their uncle would have had a much more difficult time.
Slavers: I’m intrigued that the slavers weren’t stopped by anyone at all other than a boy. Were there no guards in that town? Did none of the townsfolk know how to defend themselves? If by chance the slavers overwhelmed the townspeople and took them all in ropes and chains, how was Cersus spared? Please elaborate how they managed to take slaves of people so easily.
Poison: Cersus mixes poison at such a young age, using materials that he probably never used before, in a kitchen that he’s probably never been before except to clean the floor. If Cersus is a child, give or take 10, he wouldn’t know how to cook, therefore he’d never have used the kitchen, which consequently means that he wouldn’t know anything about making poison. And a kitchen of all places! I’m wondering what kind of kitchen actually has ingredients to make poison, and how he would have even been allowed to gain any knowledge of it.
He could’ve mixed any old junk lying around, sure, but that would taste simply foul, and I imagine the slavers would’ve found out very easily if such a thing was applied in their food. The issue here is that he made the poison himself, and I ask you to change this fact.
Path of Alchemy: Which leads me to this point, and the next major point after this. So Cersus learns more of alchemy over the years, with no teacher to teach him, and no tomes, books, or whatsoever to help him along. It would have been an extremely slow process, experimenting with all the ingredients he could find around not to mention the experiments as well, because well, who would he experiment on? If he stuck round to creating stuff like, say, healing salves, or lip balms, (because like I said previously, potions are not a thing) that would be fine, but poison? He’d have been found out eventually if he was killing people at all, and would have been punished accordingly. I suggest maybe give him a teacher earlier on?
Resurrection of Anna: So this is possibly the biggest issue out of all. I don’t how to break it to you, but there is no reviving of the dead, or reanimating corpses and all sorts related to the word ‘magic’ in our world. The powers of the Lucins and Xitians are more of a racial property and are exerted physically, not magically, using say, the power of your mind.
So it’s impossible that Cersus would have even caused his sister’s corpse to twitch, much less regain her soul and curse Cersus. So basically the whole event can’t happen, and also means you need to have a whole bit to edit so Cersus and his father meet.
Grofin: Tiny plug, previous points I mentioned about alchemy still apply, and Grofin should be edited accordingly.
That’s it for realism, at least as far as I can see. I hope you don’t get overwhelmed by all this.
-=oOo=-
And we now move on to the skills, which will be short.
Alchemy: Currently you only list alchemy as a skill, and well, give no means for us to gauge how good he actually is. I’d like you to take a look at our skill guide: http://www.mesalia.net/forum/showthread....40#pid2840 and see how you can spruce this up.
-=oOo=-
The last thing I’d like to point out - the last, I promise – is that all backstories need to end with the character coming to the Forbidden Lands, where our story takes place.
So take a lean back, maybe have a cup of tea, and have a bit of a think over how you want your character to be portrayed and bump the thread when you’re done editing, thanks!