28-02-2013, 06:26 PM
Hello again! looks like we need a bit more work here.
1. You are lacking lore relation. We require this, specify what war it was, how was her family kicked from their home? What happened to cause this ('greed' is far too vague)? How else did the wars effect her life growing up? Where did they settle? There is a lot here that needs covered, farther detail into her upbringing is necessary still.
2. Point 2 from before still applies. There seems to be a hiccup in either the math or her age, please correct this.
3. You need to proof read this, some of the application no longer makes sense or contradicts itself. A rewrite all together may make it easier to follow, as opposed to continued modifications which maybe whats causing this disjointedness.
This is the third review of this application, you may exhaust your chances and it maybe trashed if it is not up to standard upon final review. I recommend reading some accepted character applications on the old forum to get a idea of the sort of depth we're looking for. If your final attempt is declined you are still able to re-apply, but its recommended you do so with a new character and rewrite the application.
1. You are lacking lore relation. We require this, specify what war it was, how was her family kicked from their home? What happened to cause this ('greed' is far too vague)? How else did the wars effect her life growing up? Where did they settle? There is a lot here that needs covered, farther detail into her upbringing is necessary still.
2. Point 2 from before still applies. There seems to be a hiccup in either the math or her age, please correct this.
3. You need to proof read this, some of the application no longer makes sense or contradicts itself. A rewrite all together may make it easier to follow, as opposed to continued modifications which maybe whats causing this disjointedness.
This is the third review of this application, you may exhaust your chances and it maybe trashed if it is not up to standard upon final review. I recommend reading some accepted character applications on the old forum to get a idea of the sort of depth we're looking for. If your final attempt is declined you are still able to re-apply, but its recommended you do so with a new character and rewrite the application.