[Hutchy]

Sorry for the wait, Young, but we're here for the first round of feedback.

• ‘She managed to scrape by, having snuck into a group of slaves in a nearby colony.’ This happens very suddenly, and we’ve no indication of anything that happened in between. Ideally, you would tell us how long it took to find this next settlement, how she travelled there and what she had to do in the meantime to get by.
  Additionally, when she got there, were the slaves not locked up, guarded? What did she have to do to slip in undetected? Please elaborate.

• 'Gilbert was 16’ I’m assuming this means that they have been running from the Purges for 12 years. Twelve years of escaping near-death situations and a seemingly endless supply of luck seems a bit out there as far as luck is concerned, especially with both the Lucins and Mesalians, often actively, hunting them. It’s not impossible if she took the right steps at the right time, but that would take a lot of forethought and forward thinking and things are likely to go wrong to some degree. Some description of these moments would go a long way to helping flesh out this part of the story.

• ‘He left his mother’s lifeless body behind’ While it’s understandable that he might not have been too fond of his mother, what with beating him for traits he had no control over, she was still his mother. Whether he liked her or not, this significant a death would have had a major, immediate impact and other lingering effects. Of course these could be overcome with time, but there’d be some kind of difference in his behaviour, however temporary.

• ‘and went straight to the nearest city and enlisted in the army’ So soon after the Purges there’d still likely be a lot of stigma against the remaining Xitians, and going straight to the people with weapons might not be considered the wisest move. That in mind, how is this place different in that they didn't care that he was, and that they’ll recruit, an Xitian?

That's all for now. Bump this thread when you have finished the necessary edits and we can continue.