25-03-2013, 03:42 PM
Alright! Time for round 2!
1. My problem of adding more detail remains. Try to explain your characters childhood and friends, how his life was with friends and family before conflicts came into play.
2. Sorta a nitpick, but possibly some better transitoning between your ideas and sentences. You have: "There was never really an end to what he could paint when he put his mind to it. He never did figure out why his parents were so nervous when he asked them about what his father did when he was young."
The second sentence feels a bit out of place and rather random. As I said in my first topic, more detail would help your story and help bring out less clunky-ness to it. As of now, it still feels like a list of events.
3. The skills are better, although maybe this child having great works of praised art at the age of ten is a bit of a stretch. Maybe if the character was a little older I would buy the concept.
1. My problem of adding more detail remains. Try to explain your characters childhood and friends, how his life was with friends and family before conflicts came into play.
2. Sorta a nitpick, but possibly some better transitoning between your ideas and sentences. You have: "There was never really an end to what he could paint when he put his mind to it. He never did figure out why his parents were so nervous when he asked them about what his father did when he was young."
The second sentence feels a bit out of place and rather random. As I said in my first topic, more detail would help your story and help bring out less clunky-ness to it. As of now, it still feels like a list of events.
3. The skills are better, although maybe this child having great works of praised art at the age of ten is a bit of a stretch. Maybe if the character was a little older I would buy the concept.