[SentaiPink]

HI! I’m Pinkie~! Welcome! Thank you so much for being patient with us! I’m so sorry for the delay on your app, but I finally have your feedback finished. Overall its a good story, generally its well rounded, you clearly have read the lore and I can get a good idea of who your character is based on what you've supplied. However, a few revisions will be necessary. So lets get started!

• I understand that you're trying to tell a story but the jumping around in the timeline can get a little hard to follow. If you could revise how this transitions just a bit to aid ease of reading, that would be fantastic, But that's a relatively small issue.
  
  
  

• “For Umbriae—Umbriae—Umbriae!!” roared throughout the mind of poor Helena as she slept.
  
  “For Umbriae!”

  Umbriae isn't curently ruler of the Dusk realm, its been 1000's of years since his reign, so much so he's seen more as a god or prophet of battle then a king. The slaves would likely be saying something more along the lines of 'Yes my Xitian master'
  
  
  

• With her new found knowledge of mathematics and language, she wrote many books to outline subjects that she taught.

  It seems unlikely that someone who learned reading and writing as an adult would know enough to write many books on the subject. Did the Lucin that taught her help? Just a bit of elaboration on how that might of been possible would be recommended.
  
  
  

• But Aether be it anything but those beatings, she prayed.

  Aether is a element, like earth, fire, water, but most mesalians don't really understand it or know what it is, if she was praying it would likly would of been to one of the gods in the Religion lore <!-- m --><a class="postlink" href="http://mesalia-rp.enjin.com/forum/m/2573451/viewthread/3759771-lore-discussion-ic-religion">http://mesalia-rp.enjin.com/forum/m/257 ... c-religion</a><!-- m --> [Sorry not everything has been transferred from the other forums, I know this is confusing.]
  
  
  

• The surname “Alliman” now carried with it moral indignation. B’tone, Helena, and Flint were all ostracized from all social functions. All people spat at them as they walked by, regardless of what religious sect they belonged to.

  Its a little unclear as to why they became ostracized, is it because of Flints behavior or something else? Please elaborate.
  
  
  

• He spent the remainder of his years living off the land as nomad and exploring the Forbidden Lands in search of the perfect place to settle down.

  The story must end with your character arriving in the forbidden lands, there aren't opulent towns built by nobles escaping the war. In the mainlands this is possible but not the forbidden lands. Please revise this. Also you seem to skim over the last few years of his life. Granted, with what I've just said this may be removed altogether, but if not: you would need to provide just a little more insight as to what he was doing wondering the seemingly endless wilderness alone.
  
  
  

• ...the family forged him a golden mask as a reward of his unconditional loyalty. He knew in the back of his head that he wasn’t loyal to them by a longshot, but if that’s how they saw it, then why protest?

  A solid gold mask? That is so lavish it scarcely makes sense, to put that into some perspective, we have a man in the setting whom not only already has a golden mask but its only a half mask and he was once a king. This needs to be revised into something somewhat more realistic for a reward befitting a slave.[/list:u]
  
  
  And that's all I've got for you! Great application! You’re not far off! And thank you again for your understanding while we transition to our new map.