10-08-2013, 06:36 PM
I see you have edited your application. Feel free to say so next time, or else I might miss it. I will get to this today.
Thread Rating:
FireDog
Worst Mod NA
Worst Mod NA
Hey tech! It's time for round two!
1. Personality - Part of this is my fault for not being clear. Many of us have been trying to dissolve lists for personality as descriptions for your character. I would like you to remove the list format and instead explain it in paragraphs. Thanks.
2. Skills -Even though your character is 38, you have too many skills and your character is too skilled in some of them. I would take another look at the skill guide and read it again thoroughly to understand everything. Try to avoid your character having too many high level skills. If your character has skills that are higher level, they should relate to one profession. For example, your character is mentioned to be a scholar and study sciences. So perhaps more around that rather survival skills that may have become more or less moot over the years.
3. Realism - While reading your application, I took note to some realism flaws. Just try to keep in mind real life logic in Mesalia role play rather video game logic. I'll try to keep the points I spotted brief:
Mostly, try to settle things like:
I also noticed in your story, Xith, the Xitian was rather nice. I talked to staff about this and we wondered if one, he would let himself get caught, and two,and just how nice he would be to his slaves. Or if not his slaves, the master who is employing him's slaves. A Xitian Solider or guard has a good chance to not be friendly. You may want to change this around a bit.
4. Lore/Pacing - I have a feeling that you may be confused on some lore bits. Xitians were a bit civilized despite being slavers and warriors. You describe them a bit as chieftains and relate closer to Native American or Viking heritage. There is also a part in your back story where you skip the 32-33 years after the war, and I would prefer if you went into greater detail and came up with some more stuff for it.
Good luck, that's all for now. :)
1. Personality - Part of this is my fault for not being clear. Many of us have been trying to dissolve lists for personality as descriptions for your character. I would like you to remove the list format and instead explain it in paragraphs. Thanks.
2. Skills -Even though your character is 38, you have too many skills and your character is too skilled in some of them. I would take another look at the skill guide and read it again thoroughly to understand everything. Try to avoid your character having too many high level skills. If your character has skills that are higher level, they should relate to one profession. For example, your character is mentioned to be a scholar and study sciences. So perhaps more around that rather survival skills that may have become more or less moot over the years.
3. Realism - While reading your application, I took note to some realism flaws. Just try to keep in mind real life logic in Mesalia role play rather video game logic. I'll try to keep the points I spotted brief:
Mostly, try to settle things like:
Quote:"He is hardened from slave work and survival, won't easily lose to an arrow shot in the limbs."An arrow to the limbs could easily take down just about anyone. Arrows in the middle ages could ruin you physically, just one to a limb in the right spot can cause someone to lose that limb.
I also noticed in your story, Xith, the Xitian was rather nice. I talked to staff about this and we wondered if one, he would let himself get caught, and two,and just how nice he would be to his slaves. Or if not his slaves, the master who is employing him's slaves. A Xitian Solider or guard has a good chance to not be friendly. You may want to change this around a bit.
4. Lore/Pacing - I have a feeling that you may be confused on some lore bits. Xitians were a bit civilized despite being slavers and warriors. You describe them a bit as chieftains and relate closer to Native American or Viking heritage. There is also a part in your back story where you skip the 32-33 years after the war, and I would prefer if you went into greater detail and came up with some more stuff for it.
Good luck, that's all for now. :)
FireDog
Worst Mod NA
Worst Mod NA
13-08-2013, 07:36 PM
Hey, tech! Here we are again! Round three.
1. Lore-
This really seems to be tricky. I understand that your stories are being based around the lore you have in mind, but what you put down contradicts our lore and goes completely against it. I understand that you're trying to be creative, and I am fully okay with that, but something like this changes what we had written.
Now for the other parts of the story, I do like the changes. The fact that the Xitian was still cruel and instead Will goes looking for a Lucin woman, I consider this improvement. The pacing is fixed a bit, I suppose if I had anything else, I should ask about the relationship with Will and Elanor.
However, bits such as
imply that the Lucins can control lighting, and before that you mentioned major flooding from them. Lucins are not this powerful. Neither are Xitians. I would suggest looking at the powers guide to help on this and to have a better understanding on the powers.
2. Items - In my opinion, you carry a bit too many. Try to remove a few (Like torches)
3. Skill -
Each of those weapons implies a different skill. I would stick to one combat skill in all honesty, for shortsword, daggers, and spears all have different ways and techniques of being used, and are all very different.
1. Lore-
Quote:Will, we are Lucins. The reason we were not trapped in the Portal, is because this family fared along the conquering of land before our King was murdered. How we were able to develop dark eyes was the control of dust soot in the air from burned down cottages. It is painful as it may seem, but it kept this family alive during the Age of Betrayal. If you saw my daughter crying, she was controlling water vapour in the air to make it seem as tears. So far, none of us have been caught, not even by Mesalians.'
This really seems to be tricky. I understand that your stories are being based around the lore you have in mind, but what you put down contradicts our lore and goes completely against it. I understand that you're trying to be creative, and I am fully okay with that, but something like this changes what we had written.
Now for the other parts of the story, I do like the changes. The fact that the Xitian was still cruel and instead Will goes looking for a Lucin woman, I consider this improvement. The pacing is fixed a bit, I suppose if I had anything else, I should ask about the relationship with Will and Elanor.
However, bits such as
Quote:Lightning struck the grounds like none before
imply that the Lucins can control lighting, and before that you mentioned major flooding from them. Lucins are not this powerful. Neither are Xitians. I would suggest looking at the powers guide to help on this and to have a better understanding on the powers.
2. Items - In my opinion, you carry a bit too many. Try to remove a few (Like torches)
3. Skill -
Quote:-Apprentice Melee Combat and Hunting - Confident with using shortswords, daggers and spears, not really good at archery
Each of those weapons implies a different skill. I would stick to one combat skill in all honesty, for shortsword, daggers, and spears all have different ways and techniques of being used, and are all very different.
FireDog
Worst Mod NA
Worst Mod NA
Sorry for the delay. I had asked another staffer to help me and double check things. This is the feedback.
1. Items - Your character brings bandages but has no medical skill. I suggest removing the bandages.
2. The thunderstorm and powers - Lucins can't summon storms and the general impression is that they do. Also, when the races use their powers, their eyes glow.
3. Skills - Please go into greater detail about what exactly your science and lore skill means. What does it cover?
1. Items - Your character brings bandages but has no medical skill. I suggest removing the bandages.
2. The thunderstorm and powers - Lucins can't summon storms and the general impression is that they do. Also, when the races use their powers, their eyes glow.
3. Skills - Please go into greater detail about what exactly your science and lore skill means. What does it cover?