[FireDog]

Time for round two:

1. Grammar - I'm still spotting some tense issues, sentence structure, and spelling issues in the story.

Watch for things like this:

"He leans on over to reach for the dagger, examining its meager sharp edge as he pulled it closer. It shined a bit in the son, even for being such a worn blade."

-Tense changing and misspelling.

and this:

"Zerek and Monk (Let's refer to him as just "Monk", shall we?) were both sitting down with a meal in both of their hands."

-Sentence is not saying what you want it to.

Be sure to cover all of these issues.

2. Reasoning - Something that came up in staff is Zereks motivation for going after the pilgrims. A group that Zerek knows once hated him. We feel that he needs more reasoning to leave the Monk.

3. Personality - You could go a bit more in depth with this. What motivates Zerek now? Does he have preferences? What about goals in his life? Think about what kind of person Zerek is on the inside and what motivates him or sways his opinions on things.

[Dark]

Oh boy, it's like Punchout. Only with words.


1. Well Darn. How do I keep missing them. Another skim or two under way.

2. Hmmm... I swear I thought I stated the fact he wanted to try and fix things with them. I'll be sure to get something put in about that.

3. Seems I'll need a little work on this bit. It may take me a while, seeing as I came up with this nearly on a whim. Something added to the story, even in small detail could work. Or maybe more clarification.

Again, will post after this one when done.

[FireDog]

Alright Darkus, after some staff discussion, we have decided that my last post with the grammar, personality, and reasoning points were unneeded. Meaning that this is now passed. Thanks for applying and welcome back. Now then, would you like this moved into character sheets?

[Dark]

Yes please, Fire.