14-07-2013, 02:41 PM
Almost done!
Thread Rating:
Dark
You got that something that I need
You got that something that I need
FireDog
Worst Mod NA
Worst Mod NA
Hey Darkus! Looks like I'm grading your application to get you back online. While you have a good start here, your return story needs some work before I can approve it.
1.Grammar - Before we can really continue, I need you to touch up on your grammar. Please do a good amount of proof reading to remove errors. As you know, Mesalia is text based RP in a Minecraft platform. So grammar and spelling are important. Look for tense issues, spelling, and overall sentence structure. Once again, proof read your stuff please.
2. Shooting star is cliche and a tad bit unrealistic - While this is a bit of a nitpick, the shooting star idea is a bit unsettling as far as realism goes. The idea of the star leading Zerek to see the beacon is also a bit silly. Zerek could easily just see the beacon one day. The shooting star is not needed.
3. Weapon skill? - I question the level of Zereks' skill in small arms combat here. Your back story mentions nothing of him training with the blades, and the fact that the blade has rusted so much leads to me believing that Zerek has not touched it some time. The lack of training and usage of the knife leads to me think that Zerek would have degraded in his skill with the knife over time. Please elaborate if Zerek had used the blade during his time with the Monk. (Outside of attempted suicide)
4. Questionable Monk behaviour- I have a few questions as to the Monk behaviour during the end of the story. It is established that the Monk is a peaceful man with very few words. However, the end of the story has some logic errors to it. First off, how did the Monk prepare a new blade for Zerek? Zerek saw the beacon and decided to leave the next morning. So the Monk could not have just known about Zereks departure. Additionally, why does the Monk have the dagger with him to begin with? These things do not make too much sense as far as the Monks life goes. That is, living in peace and solitude.
5. The trip - What Zerek faces next is spent mostly in the desert. To explain, a Lucin would be weaker in the desert, making the trip more difficult. On the other hand, few dusk monsters are present in the desert due to having very few hiding places. Please edit your story to apply these facts.
1.Grammar - Before we can really continue, I need you to touch up on your grammar. Please do a good amount of proof reading to remove errors. As you know, Mesalia is text based RP in a Minecraft platform. So grammar and spelling are important. Look for tense issues, spelling, and overall sentence structure. Once again, proof read your stuff please.
2. Shooting star is cliche and a tad bit unrealistic - While this is a bit of a nitpick, the shooting star idea is a bit unsettling as far as realism goes. The idea of the star leading Zerek to see the beacon is also a bit silly. Zerek could easily just see the beacon one day. The shooting star is not needed.
3. Weapon skill? - I question the level of Zereks' skill in small arms combat here. Your back story mentions nothing of him training with the blades, and the fact that the blade has rusted so much leads to me believing that Zerek has not touched it some time. The lack of training and usage of the knife leads to me think that Zerek would have degraded in his skill with the knife over time. Please elaborate if Zerek had used the blade during his time with the Monk. (Outside of attempted suicide)
4. Questionable Monk behaviour- I have a few questions as to the Monk behaviour during the end of the story. It is established that the Monk is a peaceful man with very few words. However, the end of the story has some logic errors to it. First off, how did the Monk prepare a new blade for Zerek? Zerek saw the beacon and decided to leave the next morning. So the Monk could not have just known about Zereks departure. Additionally, why does the Monk have the dagger with him to begin with? These things do not make too much sense as far as the Monks life goes. That is, living in peace and solitude.
5. The trip - What Zerek faces next is spent mostly in the desert. To explain, a Lucin would be weaker in the desert, making the trip more difficult. On the other hand, few dusk monsters are present in the desert due to having very few hiding places. Please edit your story to apply these facts.
Dark
You got that something that I need
You got that something that I need
1. I'll skim through and fix what I can find. Thanks for the heads up.
(Done)
2. Will do. Added effect and what not can be taken out. Looking at it now, I'd have to agree with ya.
(Done)
3. Hmm. You're right. Will notch it down.
(Done)
4. Seems these plot holes need mending as well. I'll see if I can take that bit out and do something different with it.
(Done)
5. I know you mean Zerek. And a desert? I wasn't aware of that. I suppose I could squeeze in something about having more of a struggle against that.
(Done)
I'll reply again once I get this fixed.
(Done)
2. Will do. Added effect and what not can be taken out. Looking at it now, I'd have to agree with ya.
(Done)
3. Hmm. You're right. Will notch it down.
(Done)
4. Seems these plot holes need mending as well. I'll see if I can take that bit out and do something different with it.
(Done)
5. I know you mean Zerek. And a desert? I wasn't aware of that. I suppose I could squeeze in something about having more of a struggle against that.
(Done)
I'll reply again once I get this fixed.