Alright. Thanks for getting to this.
When the return story was made, Thomas had been gone a little over one and a half years. By now, Thomas has been gone for almost two years now. I will, however, put some dates in the specifically explain how long he had done things in the city.
Some notes approved by talking with Zark:
-6 months to get to Salint
-12 months to do stuff in the city, fight crime, get caught, break out
-6 months back after escaping
1. I had never said Martillo had never made attempts on Thomas' life before. As I said, they were locked in a mind game trying to outsmart each other. I assumed this implied that Thomas has been in a few rumbles with the Family. Remember however, that Thomas was more or less in safety when he was out of the city and in Salint. I will add a few details to explain this.
2. I will explain the prison situation. What I had in mind was not several attempts to escape, but rather one large plan that took a bit of time to execute.
I will explain some of this in the back story. In general, Thomas used what he saw from Zarkaylia and Conradian during the pilgrimage to keep a more level head and used his street wit to lead. Thomas has plenty of experience in strategy from being at Provensia during his childhood. He often outsmarted others to live and became quite accustomed to how the city worked. Additionally, Provensians such as Thomas, who lived in shit conditions that the people of Salint did, are often able to relate to each other. Finally, Salint is not exactly happy and fun. As I explained, it is a place of people who were just barely able to leave the city. And often filled with people who escaped illegally. Everyone in that town has been through tough times and has a deep rooted hatred for Martillo, and the corrupted government. The group and gang never entered the city to live there. As I explained, they took abandoned smuggling roots to get in and out. The general idea is that these people were citizens, who were harmed in the cities struggle. I also state that Thomas and his group get more guys from within the city. The point is that even though they know Thomas may not be the best of leaders, but he is still brave enough to form this group and fight back, being its face. Many people are afraid to do this.
Everything I add will be highlighted in red text so that you may spot it easily.
Quote:The timeline of Thomas’ absence seems too short. He left at nineteen years old and came back at twenty? This means he went overseas, went to Salint, got a gang together, went to Provensia, killed a bunch of officials, got jailed and then came back all within a year? I’m rather skeptical about this, but not knowing any specific travel times (Such as how long it takes to sail from the Forbidden Lands to the Mainlands) I can’t make a judgement. Therefore I’d like for you to revise your application with a more specific means of reference. Such as how long he was imprisoned, how long he was working in Provensia, etcetera.
When the return story was made, Thomas had been gone a little over one and a half years. By now, Thomas has been gone for almost two years now. I will, however, put some dates in the specifically explain how long he had done things in the city.
Some notes approved by talking with Zark:
-6 months to get to Salint
-12 months to do stuff in the city, fight crime, get caught, break out
-6 months back after escaping
Quote:There are a few places in your story that describe events that, while possible, are not plausible. For example, you imply that Martillo knew of Thomas. So why wouldn’t Martillo execute Thomas specifically in an attempt to end the resistance? Why wouldn’t more drastic measures be taken by the guards after a few failed escape attempts during Thomas’ stay in prison? Please reread your backstory and revise through some of these problems.
1. I had never said Martillo had never made attempts on Thomas' life before. As I said, they were locked in a mind game trying to outsmart each other. I assumed this implied that Thomas has been in a few rumbles with the Family. Remember however, that Thomas was more or less in safety when he was out of the city and in Salint. I will add a few details to explain this.
2. I will explain the prison situation. What I had in mind was not several attempts to escape, but rather one large plan that took a bit of time to execute.
Quote:How was Thomas able to gather and lead a resistance? With no prior abilities in leadership or managing people, battle tactic or strategy, being a stranger to the people of Salint, and other disadvantageous factors I don’t see why the people of Salint would look to him as a leader. Furthermore if Salint was a happy place free of corruption and crime, then why would it’s people want to go back at all? Please revise to clarify some of this.
I will explain some of this in the back story. In general, Thomas used what he saw from Zarkaylia and Conradian during the pilgrimage to keep a more level head and used his street wit to lead. Thomas has plenty of experience in strategy from being at Provensia during his childhood. He often outsmarted others to live and became quite accustomed to how the city worked. Additionally, Provensians such as Thomas, who lived in shit conditions that the people of Salint did, are often able to relate to each other. Finally, Salint is not exactly happy and fun. As I explained, it is a place of people who were just barely able to leave the city. And often filled with people who escaped illegally. Everyone in that town has been through tough times and has a deep rooted hatred for Martillo, and the corrupted government. The group and gang never entered the city to live there. As I explained, they took abandoned smuggling roots to get in and out. The general idea is that these people were citizens, who were harmed in the cities struggle. I also state that Thomas and his group get more guys from within the city. The point is that even though they know Thomas may not be the best of leaders, but he is still brave enough to form this group and fight back, being its face. Many people are afraid to do this.
Everything I add will be highlighted in red text so that you may spot it easily.