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[Accepted] A (fortunate?) return ~ Lyrxi's Version
#1
Some may already have gotten the hint, but with this post I officially confirm that the Minwu family will be returning.

The journey:
------------------------------

Lyrxi:
#2
alright, RL, the feedback is cooked to perfection.
  • We are not given a clear reason why they left. Lyrxi put a lot of effort into the town, being one of the few sources of prepared food and a councilor, why would he leave on such short notice to deliver a package? Was there no one else able to do so? Please elaborate.
  • We do not see a lot of detail in this part of the returning post, where it is more thoroughly described in Dusken’s return post. Since this looks like a large part of their time away, there needs to be more detail of when and where the two groups split up and Lyrxi and Jie’s view on it.
  • Was Lyrxi not aware that Arua packed up the entirety of the town’s medical supplies and took them with her, leaving two injured and sick people to fend for themselves? We aren’t given any indication if he knew or if he had any views on this. Bear in mind that it is highly unlikely that he’d miss a town’s worth of medical supplies being taken. Please elaborate on this point.
  • ‘‘they caught word of a town relatively close enough to Ravenna suddenly increasing considerably in population’ I’m assuming you’re referring to Alroc, the new setting. Alroc is not close to Ravenna at all, it took an entire month by sea of IC time to get there from Ravenna. This rumour would have to travel very quickly to reach their ear in such a short time.
    This also applies here,
    Luckily however, the town was one of the last places they'd stop by before returning to Ravenna.’ this implies that they have managed to do an entire round trip of the Forbidden Lands, with barely any incident, in just under 6 IC months, which simply isn’t possible. Please revise this, taking into consideration the short length of time they have been away and how long it took the others to move.
  • Lastly, Jie will need his own thread. This confusion was the result of a miscommunication for which we are very sorry. If you prefer that I hold off from further review until this thread has been made, just let me know here.

Bump the thread when you're done with the edits and we'll continue.
#3
The post has been updated and a second thread has been placed for Jie.
I do have to comment on that the 1st point you made is invalid due to the fact that it is mentioned several times in the journey description as to their goal and reasons why they left.

The 2nd point is vague and doesn't explain to me well as to which parts are an issue, but I changed and elaborated where I could so far.

I have also elaborated on Arua's supplies, even though this part comes over as redundant to me because it stays to the point that Lyrxi did NOT know. He never checked Arua's bags, or what she all took because he felt no reason to suddenly play stock-taker on her belongings.

on the 4th point, I made a change in my wording, but it comes down to the fact that there is no map out there of the forbidden lands and about no lore or mention of the towns in the Forbidden Lands, so I have to go vague here regardless and use terms like 'relatively' just to get past it and continue the story.

As for the 5th point, as commented at the start of this post, it has been taken care of.
#4
Haithere. I got a few points for you to address RL.

The journey's effect
I hate to say it, but this should be more of a fair give-and-take. You wish for your character to return with new items and some fresh additions to skill while there seem to be little to no effect of the long and hard journey on him. I am not saying there have to be anything drastic or life changing, but a long and hard journey like this (with absolutely certainly about 3ish months in the wild defending against Dusk and somehow gathering food for themselves) with a goal that ultimately failed should at least leave more of the temporary effects than just feeling sorry. More mention of this would be preferred. Again I remind you; I'm not asking for anything permanent or life changing. Just an acknowledgement of the journey taking place at all.

(I have a hunch that above is related to Hutchy's earlier point 2 that refers to more detail)

Remove this:
Quote:Lyrxi has hardly changed in any noticeable way from before his journey, having been able to stay himself most likely due to age, experience and focus.

And I'm sorry to say, above quote doesn't work for me (I play a char over a decade older and still wouldn't try to say that life has no effect on her because she's old and experienced). I'm just gonna ask that you remove this part though and focus on the "effect of the journey" part.

Leaving circumstances
Related to above, there's little or no consideration for the leaving circumstances. I'm referring to:

1) End of winter - early spring. It had in the old setting been stated already that the hunting was null in the area. Combined with:

2) Lack of food supplies. Ravenna was already starving. The Minwu's likely took some, but there's also a reason why escaping Ravenna by foot was NOT an option for the chars in the setting. The supplies wouldn't last.

While I'm aware that the leave was necessary, above shouldn't be ignored.
#5
I think Lyrxi's all good now, RL.
  


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