25-09-2013, 10:40 PM
You’re welcome! Okay, so feedback:
1. There’s a gap of information during the attack on Sirnovicia; the focus becomes more about what happened to Sirnovicia rather than what happened to Diana, and as a result it seems like the civil war had no impact on her. Remember that this is ultimately about Diana. What was her reaction to all this? What did she do? How did it help shape who she is today? Please elaborate.
2. Furthermore, your character’s backstory could use more detail overall, particularly with demonstrating your character’s personality. While you do have moments where Diana’s being who she is, you don’t really show how she became who she is. Please elaborate.
3. ‘...three organic fortresses walked over the mountains, leaving in their wake a sea of brutal warriors, seeking nothing but blood and fire. The elephants were able to send most of the town running...’
Not sure what is going on in this part; are these literal elephants or are you being metaphorical? This is probably a reference I'm not understanding, but either way, the backstory needs to be understood on its own. Thus, you need to make this sound plausible and less out-of-context. Please revise and/or elaborate.
4. The personality description could use more detail as well. Currently, you’re completely in the right direction (she is flawed, unique, and something new for the setting), but I think you’ll probably find that after fixing the points above, there will be more to add to Diana’s personality description.
5. ‘Glassmaking: Low Competent’ The staff all agree that the skill system is complicated enough, and that we don’t need specifics as far as ‘low competent’. Either she is competent, or apprentice (see the skill guide for more explanation); we’re okay with her being competent at glass-making, as fishing and fly-tying are simple, closely-related skills.
And that should be all for now. Good luck, and feel free to ask questions.
1. There’s a gap of information during the attack on Sirnovicia; the focus becomes more about what happened to Sirnovicia rather than what happened to Diana, and as a result it seems like the civil war had no impact on her. Remember that this is ultimately about Diana. What was her reaction to all this? What did she do? How did it help shape who she is today? Please elaborate.
2. Furthermore, your character’s backstory could use more detail overall, particularly with demonstrating your character’s personality. While you do have moments where Diana’s being who she is, you don’t really show how she became who she is. Please elaborate.
3. ‘...three organic fortresses walked over the mountains, leaving in their wake a sea of brutal warriors, seeking nothing but blood and fire. The elephants were able to send most of the town running...’
Not sure what is going on in this part; are these literal elephants or are you being metaphorical? This is probably a reference I'm not understanding, but either way, the backstory needs to be understood on its own. Thus, you need to make this sound plausible and less out-of-context. Please revise and/or elaborate.
4. The personality description could use more detail as well. Currently, you’re completely in the right direction (she is flawed, unique, and something new for the setting), but I think you’ll probably find that after fixing the points above, there will be more to add to Diana’s personality description.
5. ‘Glassmaking: Low Competent’ The staff all agree that the skill system is complicated enough, and that we don’t need specifics as far as ‘low competent’. Either she is competent, or apprentice (see the skill guide for more explanation); we’re okay with her being competent at glass-making, as fishing and fly-tying are simple, closely-related skills.
And that should be all for now. Good luck, and feel free to ask questions.
![[Image: a88823d4-5335-49cc-91b4-f8c511e214f8_zps...1409225114]](http://i55.photobucket.com/albums/g158/mnguy3/a88823d4-5335-49cc-91b4-f8c511e214f8_zpsf21a961a.png?t=1409225114)