26-10-2013, 05:44 PM
Welcome back, Kiro. I'm Hutchy and I will be helping you through whitelisting.
Bump the thread when you have made the edits and we can continue.
- The backstory doesn’t do a lot to help explain the character's personality, save for the occasional mention of one of your listed traits. I'd like you to add some more detail of Hector’s personal growth.
- Listing the traits of a character's personality is no longer acceptable, it is too easy to name a list of traits and then forget to display them in character. You can still use these points, but please expand them into a more complex paragraph. A personality is not something that can be summarised in a bullet list.
- Finally, I would suggest a thorough proofreading of the bio to pick out the spelling errors and incorrect word usage.
One example being 'on some of his less dangerous hunting excisions'. Excision is the term for removal by cutting. I believe the term you were looking for was something along the lines of 'expedition' or simply 'trip'.
Bump the thread when you have made the edits and we can continue.