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[Accepted] Thomas Darl - Return
#1
Return of Thomas


Character info
Gender: Male
Age: 20
Race: Mesalian
Weight: Average
Height: Six Feet, 2 inches.

Hair: Short black hair

Face: Thomas has a relatively handsome and clean face, although he carries a scar on his left cheek.

Body: Thomas is fully grown and now has some muscle to him. His body looks and fits proper while maintaining a general thinner body type. Thomas also sports a few scars now. He carries a scar on his right shin from when he was shot by a skeleton. Another scar on his right leg from a stabbing attempt in Provensia. Thomas has a scar on his face from Provnsia, and one last, long scar on his right arm.
Dark green eyes

Currently Wearing: Thomas wears a white long sleeved shirt with long dark trousers. He wears a suit coat over his shirt. His clothes are a bit worn and dirty from his time in Provensia.


Skills:
- Moderate swordsman -Thomas has trained under his foster mother, Zarkaylia for years now and with practice against dusk monsters and sparring, Thomas has now become able to use his sword. Thomas has skill in using his sword one handed and two handed from training. Zarkaylias training involves Conradian and he has taught Thomas how to use two handed weaponry better. Additionally, Thomas now has real life man V.S man experience from fighting in Provensia.

- Moderate Shield use - Thomas has received training from Atlas on how to use a shield and with years of hard work and practice during the same time he used the sword, Thomas can use a shield efficiently. 

- Moderate lute playing - Thomas has played a lute since he arrived at the lands, however only revived minimal training from Gerolf on how to tune and strum some notes on the lute. Most playing Thomas has figured out himself.

- Moderate drawing - Thomas often enjoys drawing and draws what he wants daily for the sake of expressing himself creatively. 

- Can read and write - Thomas learned how to read and write from his original parents in Provensia. Thomas expanded this knowledge in his time at the lands.

Old Thief Skills
{
-Apprentice Lock Pick
-Sneaking
-Lying and Deception
-Apprentice Pick Pocket (Obsolete, has not pick pocketed anyone is some time)
}

Thomas's Equipment:

Iron Long Sword - A generic Iron Long sword that Thomas was given as a gift from his mother for his 16th birthday. The blade is well balanced and fits Thomas well.

Lute - A decently crafted lute from Scipio. The lute has some damage to it.

Drawing materials- Some paper, a charcoal pencil, and a bunch of old drawings of various things.

Missing:
Iron Shield - Thomas lost his shield when he was imprisoned.

Character personality:
Over the years, Thomas has gone through quite a few changes. The once lying, untrustworthy, and corrosive young boy has aged into a kind, polite, and helpful young man. Thanks to the people around him, especially his foster mother Zarkaylia, Thomas has become a traditional peacemaker. He fights for what he believes to be the right thing and is willing to help those in need. He will forgive those who may have defied him so long as the crime was not too serious. Thomas is also willing to hear a plea for forgiveness and analyse it. After all, one thing that has never left Thomas was his wit. The young man is intelligent in the sense of the city rather than education. Thomas knows how to follow a thieves footsteps, for he was one once. He is not tricked easily and often knows how to find a way out of a sticky situation. This knowledge carries in his fighting as well, for Thomas is more likely to use his surroundings to gain an upper hand. Such as hiding in the shadows for a time to strike, or counter attack an opponents predictable movements. Thomas is not one to just charge straight on. Even when Thomas becomes furious with rage, he can usually keep it controlled and remain calm to avoid unwanted panic. The man has known how to keep his emotions in check so that he may not show fear, anger, or sadness. However this often leads to Thomas not expressing his true thoughts to others if he feels down. Someone would have to see past his calm gaze in order to know if he is enraged or sad. Thomas also brings with him a confidence that radiates. Even if he is not sure what the outcome may be, Thomas can show that he knows his instincts are right.

As for Thomas's shortcomings, he will often wish to attack those who commit injustice to others. Those who manipulate and cheat will instantly be on his bad side. This is especially true if any of these actions harm his family. It seems that Thomas has picked up the rage from his foster mother to destroy anyone who dares to hurt his family. Thomas will plot out whoever this person is, find the best way possible to trap them, then attack. Once more, Thomas can act a bit too serious and shut out strangers or those who are not close enough to him. Only family members can really reach his real thoughts at this point, or very close friends. Thomas' calculating mind also has the instant thought to judge those who come off as threats. If someone presents them self as shady or harmful, Thomas will be more careful around them and take notes on their movements. Finally, due to a fearful experience Thomas had back in Auria, he has grown to both despise and fear giant spiders. He has seen what the beasts can do and will often slice them instantly. The patter of their feet makes his skin crawl and causes Thomas to shiver. All of this gets him on edge. Too many spiders may cause Thomas to just freeze up in fear; a rare sight for a usually brave and confident man.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Backstory

At the age of nineteen, Thomas had left the city of Ravenna and its fruits and virtues to go back to the mainland. Thomas had left the caring family that adopted him and raised him to set his own roots else ware. Thomas knew the dangers yet felt ready to finally do something in the world, and he knew exactly what he wanted to do first. After conversing with his foster mother, Zarkaylia, Thomas decided to go back to his home city of Provensia in an attempt to set things right there, taking a long voyage for half a year in order to reach the city. Thomas had lived years of his life under the roof of a poor family that could barely thrive while supporting the child. After his parents had been assassinated for being unable to repay loans, Thomas was cast to the streets homeless and faced with a choice. To either steal, manipulate, deceive and only look out for his own skin. Or die. The young boy quickly adapted and did his best to harm others for his own benefit. The years of theft had led Thomas to become cold and distrusting to the world around him. After Thomas had escaped the city and was adopted by the Spy family, Thomas had changed his ways and turned himself in. He changed from the good for nothing street rat to the loyal guard who did his best to protect his fellow Mesalians. Of course, matters in Provensia had not changed since the boy had left the city, and the guilt of theft still ate at him. Not from his crimes in Aruia, to which he returned all the stolen goods back to the town, but the fellow poor Provensians he had lied to for his own good. Thomas decided that he would repay his debts by striking Provensia at its core. He wanted to restore the city.

After a sailing trip away from Ravenna, Thomas landed port in the near by town of Salint. Salint consisted of refuges and those fortunate enough to leave Provensia. Most who were able to leave did not have the money to go to the Forbidden Lands or travel to a far away city. So Shortly after Thomas left Provensia eleven years ago, the town of Salint formed. The corruption and crime that laid waste to a once glorious city was nowhere to be seen, allowing Thomas to work freely. Thomas had set up shop quickly to start his work for a new order in the city. Thomas took his time and had to convince the other Provensians that he was really one of them, really someone willing to bite the bullet and risk getting killed. The city has has its fair share of revolutionaries before, but most were killed as they directly attacked Martillo. Some folks who had plans were discoureged from doing so, but not Thomas. Thomas was more than willing to put his life on the line and the other Provensians saw this. They needed someone to lead them away from the fear they held. As it turns out, the other former Provensians were eager to begin work on a plan to restore the city. Thomas and the others knew where to start, and that was with the corrupted government and guard of Provensia. Most revolutions that begin in Provensia start with the intention of removing the Martillo family as fast as possible. These attempts are always in vein though, as Martillo Carter has a grip on the cities government and thus is able to escape and jailing and turn the tables on the revolutionaries. So Thomas and his followers decided to instead focus on the main problem, the cities government. They knew that if the corrupt members of the guard and government were removed from play, then Martillo would have no legal backing. Without the governments protection, Martillo would become the hunted and would be actively pursued by those truly wishing the fix the city. After the group from Salint became large enough with former Provensians, they went into the the city using old smuggling routes and recruited inter city members for their gang. It was not long before Thomas had swayed enough eager Provensians to join his cause and to bring back peace. The civilians, although untrained, had adapted to the city and could be as cut throat as the thieves and mobsters. After a month or two, Thomas had successfully reached the pinnacle of his gangs strength. The group had their plans set. Their motives straight. And it was time to pursue their goals. Countless days and nights passed as Thomas and his gang went after the worst the city had to offer in the political chairs. For once, Thomas felt things had been going to plan for his good intentions. And for once, Thomas felt like a true leader being in charge of this gang. The group had managed to keep in the low light for quite some time. They had to be able to carry out their tasks without being under too much suspicion from the Martillo family or the city officials. Plans were formed to keep things in track or to throw off any hot trails that followed the assassinations.

For the rest of the year, the plans carried out by Thomas and his gang worked wonders. The government started the panic and less activity was present among the common gangsters and even the Martillo family. Although Martillo was not about to have his legacy fall to some boy who had just taken charge of the situation. So thus began a battle of wits between Thomas and Martillo. Thomas however had almost no advantages and was led to carrying out his plans at precise moments and timing or else him or his fellow Provensians would be killed. Martillo had received the upper hand when a guard had captured one of the revolutionaries. Thomas and the gang decided they had to break their comrade out as fast as possible or consequences involving the entire operation could be had. The group, including Thomas had went into the guard housing to where their captured friends was. After breaking into and sneaking past guards, much like Thomas' thieving days. The group members that arrived at the interrogation rooms, and found not only their friend dead, but several others who were mere suspects of the crimes the group had committed. Before the group could escape and explain the situation to others, the guard came and arrested Thomas and the group currently with him. Imprisoned, the remaining Provensian residential members were also caught and arrested. The jailing of a good mass of the group shut down operation and led to the plunge of Thomas' gang. The guard began to execute members at random one by one so that the corrupted officials could send a message to the Provensians. Martillo had now won the battle. Martillo felt that the guards fear tactics would discourage the Provensians further and thus, another revolution was crushed. During the two weeks spent in the Provensian prison, fourteen members were executed from the gang, at random. The guard captian, however, removed Thomas from the drawings so that he may wittness Thomas' spirits being crushed. While the executions were occurring, Thomas and the others had made their plans to escape the Provensian jail. They were successful after prolonged days of fearing for their lives and broke out of the jail. Grabbing what he could, Thomas escaped the city from an old smuggling route back to the town of Salint. Carrying nothing but his sword and the clothes on his back, Thomas left the next day feeling nothing but failure and disappointment. Thomas not only failed his fellow members He knew his mother, father, and Conradian could provide that direction or advice. Back at Ravenna.
#2
Hey Fire, I'll be handling your character submission.

The timeline of Thomas’ absence seems too short. He left at nineteen years old and came back at twenty? This means he went overseas, went to Salint, got a gang together, went to Provensia, killed a bunch of officials, got jailed and then came back all within a year? I’m rather skeptical about this, but not knowing any specific travel times (Such as how long it takes to sail from the Forbidden Lands to the Mainlands) I can’t make a judgement. Therefore I’d like for you to revise your application with a more specific means of reference. Such as how long he was imprisoned, how long he was working in Provensia, etcetera.


There are a few places in your story that describe events that, while possible, are not plausible. For example, you imply that Martillo knew of Thomas. So why wouldn’t Martillo execute Thomas specifically in an attempt to end the resistance? Why wouldn’t more drastic measures be taken by the guards after a few failed escape attempts during Thomas’ stay in prison? Please reread your backstory and revise through some of these problems.


How was Thomas able to gather and lead a resistance? With no prior abilities in leadership or managing people, battle tactic or strategy, being a stranger to the people of Salint, and other disadvantageous factors I don’t see why the people of Salint would look to him as a leader. Furthermore if Salint was a happy place free of corruption and crime, then why would it’s people want to go back at all? Please revise to clarify some of this.


Good luck with your revisions.
#3
Alright. Thanks for getting to this.

Quote:The timeline of Thomas’ absence seems too short. He left at nineteen years old and came back at twenty? This means he went overseas, went to Salint, got a gang together, went to Provensia, killed a bunch of officials, got jailed and then came back all within a year? I’m rather skeptical about this, but not knowing any specific travel times (Such as how long it takes to sail from the Forbidden Lands to the Mainlands) I can’t make a judgement. Therefore I’d like for you to revise your application with a more specific means of reference. Such as how long he was imprisoned, how long he was working in Provensia, etcetera.

When the return story was made, Thomas had been gone a little over one and a half years. By now, Thomas has been gone for almost two years now. I will, however, put some dates in the specifically explain how long he had done things in the city.

Some notes approved by talking with Zark:
-6 months to get to Salint
-12 months to do stuff in the city, fight crime, get caught, break out
-6 months back after escaping

Quote:There are a few places in your story that describe events that, while possible, are not plausible. For example, you imply that Martillo knew of Thomas. So why wouldn’t Martillo execute Thomas specifically in an attempt to end the resistance? Why wouldn’t more drastic measures be taken by the guards after a few failed escape attempts during Thomas’ stay in prison? Please reread your backstory and revise through some of these problems.

1. I had never said Martillo had never made attempts on Thomas' life before. As I said, they were locked in a mind game trying to outsmart each other. I assumed this implied that Thomas has been in a few rumbles with the Family. Remember however, that Thomas was more or less in safety when he was out of the city and in Salint. I will add a few details to explain this.

2. I will explain the prison situation. What I had in mind was not several attempts to escape, but rather one large plan that took a bit of time to execute.

Quote:How was Thomas able to gather and lead a resistance? With no prior abilities in leadership or managing people, battle tactic or strategy, being a stranger to the people of Salint, and other disadvantageous factors I don’t see why the people of Salint would look to him as a leader. Furthermore if Salint was a happy place free of corruption and crime, then why would it’s people want to go back at all? Please revise to clarify some of this.

I will explain some of this in the back story. In general, Thomas used what he saw from Zarkaylia and Conradian during the pilgrimage to keep a more level head and used his street wit to lead. Thomas has plenty of experience in strategy from being at Provensia during his childhood. He often outsmarted others to live and became quite accustomed to how the city worked. Additionally, Provensians such as Thomas, who lived in shit conditions that the people of Salint did, are often able to relate to each other. Finally, Salint is not exactly happy and fun. As I explained, it is a place of people who were just barely able to leave the city. And often filled with people who escaped illegally. Everyone in that town has been through tough times and has a deep rooted hatred for Martillo, and the corrupted government. The group and gang never entered the city to live there. As I explained, they took abandoned smuggling roots to get in and out. The general idea is that these people were citizens, who were harmed in the cities struggle. I also state that Thomas and his group get more guys from within the city. The point is that even though they know Thomas may not be the best of leaders, but he is still brave enough to form this group and fight back, being its face. Many people are afraid to do this.

Everything I add will be highlighted in red text so that you may spot it easily.
#4
(19-07-2013, 07:50 PM)FireDog Wrote: 1. I had never said Martillo had never made attempts on Thomas' life before. As I said, they were locked in a mind game trying to outsmart each other. I assumed this implied that Thomas has been in a few rumbles with the Family. Remember however, that Thomas was more or less in safety when he was out of the city and in Salint. I will add a few details to explain this.

I'm sorry for not being clear the first time, but I meant when Thomas was imprisoned in particular. It seems a bit unrealistic that Martillo wouldn't go ahead and execute Thomas immediately to put an end to the 'resistance' business. As you explained earlier, it's a brave thing for Thomas to be the face of the resistance for a reason. At that point it's about more than killing the leader of the resistance, but it's about killing it's symbol of hope as well. Why wouldn't Martillo recognize destroying enemy morale as an important objective? I'd like you to revise and explain why he survived, or to revise in a way that alleviates the issue entirely.
#5
Thomas was imprisoned in the Provensian jail. The guard had control over what happens to them at that point. Martillo did not control the guards actions with these executions. Instead, he had taken the opportunity and good fortune that Thomas had slipped up. The guard captain handled the executions. And although he is corrupt himself, he would not receive anything from Martillo, The guard captain is not part of The Carter/Martillo Family. I hope this serves as an explanation. If not, I can revise.
  


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