14-09-2013, 11:41 PM
Welcome back, Nick.
*cracks knuckles*
We’ll go over the larger issues first because it’ll get this post out faster, and because you will probably fix the small things in the process of fixing the larger issues.
1. Your application relies on too much prior knowledge to be understood. For example, not everyone knows that Highport was in the Forbidden Lands, meaning it’s unclear that Rosalie already lived there up until about the ‘Auria’ part. Some sections were even confusing for me, and you know I’ve been here a while. Please add more overall details so that this backstory can be understood on its own.
2. Your application lacks lore relation. Having a character born in the Forbidden Lands doesn’t exclude their backstory from lore relation, especially since Rosalie did end up in the mainland where things still aren’t okay (if you don’t know what I mean, read the updated lore). Please revise.
3. To expand on the previous point, there’s a massive gap between Rosalie leaving Auria and the end of her backstory. The focus shifts to Alice and Darren leaving and going, and it’s like Rosalie doesn’t have a life of her own. What did she do? Please see point 4b for more, try to bring the focus back to where it should be, and elaborate.
4. Personality issues:
a) Currently, your application doesn’t include any information on your character’s personality. Please provide an in-depth description, and note that solely using lists of traits to describe is no longer acceptable here.
b) Also keep in mind that this personality should also be evident in your character’s backstory. Currently, your character’s backstory reads more like a summary of RP events rather than a backstory, and this is what has opened up the major issues in your application. The events described all relate to Rosalie and her life, but Rosalie herself isn’t explored in a particularly meaningful way. How did the events in her life impact her? How have they shaped who she is today? How have they affected her relationships with the people around her? Remember that this is about Rosalie. Please see point 3 for more (if you haven’t already), and revise.
5. Skill issues:
a) Your character’s backstory lacks skill development. It’s not enough to tell us where she learnt her skills; how about why she learnt them, or what she felt about learning them? Are they things she’s passionate about? Please consider questions such as these (but not just these), and elaborate.
b) Your character’s skills are too vague. We need some idea of how much she knows in each of these skills, and we also need an idea of what each skill actually involves activity-wise. Please see this skill guide for more, and revise.
6. For the sake of common courtesy and ensuring no one’s creation is misrepresented, you must have permission to include other players’ characters in your character’s backstory. In your case, you’re only required to go over things with Tim and Fire, as they’re still active members of the community (whereas everyone else mentioned is not, however if you’re in contact with them, it would still be polite to ask). Please get permission.
I know the standards were different the last time you wrote an application, but I still believe you can do better. Personally speaking, I feel like this concept lacks innovation and creativity. Perhaps you should try a completely new character, unrelated to any previous ones; it would be a lot simpler, and a refreshing change in direction for you. But if you’d like to continue with this concept, Zark also recommends contacting Brew (since he was the last one to RP Ro, thus he could give you some insight into Rosalie’s personality for you to base your take on) and Fire (because Thomas has been writing to Rosalie over the years).
That’s all, for now. Good luck.
*cracks knuckles*
We’ll go over the larger issues first because it’ll get this post out faster, and because you will probably fix the small things in the process of fixing the larger issues.
1. Your application relies on too much prior knowledge to be understood. For example, not everyone knows that Highport was in the Forbidden Lands, meaning it’s unclear that Rosalie already lived there up until about the ‘Auria’ part. Some sections were even confusing for me, and you know I’ve been here a while. Please add more overall details so that this backstory can be understood on its own.
2. Your application lacks lore relation. Having a character born in the Forbidden Lands doesn’t exclude their backstory from lore relation, especially since Rosalie did end up in the mainland where things still aren’t okay (if you don’t know what I mean, read the updated lore). Please revise.
3. To expand on the previous point, there’s a massive gap between Rosalie leaving Auria and the end of her backstory. The focus shifts to Alice and Darren leaving and going, and it’s like Rosalie doesn’t have a life of her own. What did she do? Please see point 4b for more, try to bring the focus back to where it should be, and elaborate.
4. Personality issues:
a) Currently, your application doesn’t include any information on your character’s personality. Please provide an in-depth description, and note that solely using lists of traits to describe is no longer acceptable here.
b) Also keep in mind that this personality should also be evident in your character’s backstory. Currently, your character’s backstory reads more like a summary of RP events rather than a backstory, and this is what has opened up the major issues in your application. The events described all relate to Rosalie and her life, but Rosalie herself isn’t explored in a particularly meaningful way. How did the events in her life impact her? How have they shaped who she is today? How have they affected her relationships with the people around her? Remember that this is about Rosalie. Please see point 3 for more (if you haven’t already), and revise.
5. Skill issues:
a) Your character’s backstory lacks skill development. It’s not enough to tell us where she learnt her skills; how about why she learnt them, or what she felt about learning them? Are they things she’s passionate about? Please consider questions such as these (but not just these), and elaborate.
b) Your character’s skills are too vague. We need some idea of how much she knows in each of these skills, and we also need an idea of what each skill actually involves activity-wise. Please see this skill guide for more, and revise.
6. For the sake of common courtesy and ensuring no one’s creation is misrepresented, you must have permission to include other players’ characters in your character’s backstory. In your case, you’re only required to go over things with Tim and Fire, as they’re still active members of the community (whereas everyone else mentioned is not, however if you’re in contact with them, it would still be polite to ask). Please get permission.
I know the standards were different the last time you wrote an application, but I still believe you can do better. Personally speaking, I feel like this concept lacks innovation and creativity. Perhaps you should try a completely new character, unrelated to any previous ones; it would be a lot simpler, and a refreshing change in direction for you. But if you’d like to continue with this concept, Zark also recommends contacting Brew (since he was the last one to RP Ro, thus he could give you some insight into Rosalie’s personality for you to base your take on) and Fire (because Thomas has been writing to Rosalie over the years).
That’s all, for now. Good luck.
![[Image: a88823d4-5335-49cc-91b4-f8c511e214f8_zps...1409225114]](http://i55.photobucket.com/albums/g158/mnguy3/a88823d4-5335-49cc-91b4-f8c511e214f8_zpsf21a961a.png?t=1409225114)