10-06-2015, 09:16 PM
Sorry for the wait, Young, here's the first real round of feedback.
It's somewhat difficult to follow a passage of time in the 'simplified version' of the backstory. I'd recommend describing his age at certain events, like when he poisons the water and when his father died, as well as giving the reader an idea of how much time is passing between events. It would also help to reference major lore events through the story.
That's all I have for now. Bump the thread when you've made your edits and we'll continue.
It's somewhat difficult to follow a passage of time in the 'simplified version' of the backstory. I'd recommend describing his age at certain events, like when he poisons the water and when his father died, as well as giving the reader an idea of how much time is passing between events. It would also help to reference major lore events through the story.
That's all I have for now. Bump the thread when you've made your edits and we'll continue.