[Michelle]

Thanks for waiting, and it’s nice to see you back.

1. Your submission requires proofreading, mostly in attention to tense changes mid-sentence. This has made your submission difficult to follow, and thus difficult to review. Please revise.
2. “What he lacks in strength however, he surpasses with agility, and with more than capable hand-eye coordination.”
Why would someone who spends much time daydreaming and reading be particularly agile? Please revise.
3. Lore issues:

• • a) "Daniel was born into a family of Ambassadors, as both his father and mother worked in the embassy building within the Mesalian Capitol."
    It is unclear as to whether you mean a capital or capitol (please clarify and/or revise), but neither would exist for the entire Middle Realm. The same applies for an embassy and an ambassador. However, capitals/capitols, embassies and ambassadors might exist for a kingdom, nation or some other great civilisation within the Middle Realm; this is an option you could pursue, but if you intend on this civilisation being well-known, you must provide a lore proposal for it. Please consider and act accordingly.
    b) “the fragile politics of the freshly born Mesalian government”
    Like the previous point states, this implies that there is one government for the entire Mesalian race/the Middle Realm/the Mainland. This is not the case. Please revise.
    c) “A crowd of Mesalian Opposition stormed the embassy, killing most of the staff, including the two Ambassadors who lived there.”
    This is confusing and unclear. Who are/is the ‘Mesalian Opposition’? Why are they so important as to have their name be capitalised? Why would the civil war be a motive for their actions? Please clarify and/or revise.[/list:u][/list:u]
    
    4. Skill issues –While the skills you list are a refreshing break from the other characters you’ve played, your character has too many skills in too many different fields for his age. It is important to note that characters who have deep, abstract knowledge in a field often lack many practical skills. Please consider the following points:
    • • a) “- Basic Organizational Skills
        - Basic Merchant/Trader Skills”
        Nothing in your character’s backstory seems to justify these skills, even at a base level. Please remove and/or clarify.
        b) “- Advanced Cooking
        - Advanced Food Farming/Gardening (Small-Scale)
        - Intermediate Woodwork (Artistic, Small-Scale)”
        The skill levels listed for these skills are considered too high for someone who did them as ‘odd jobs’ for fourteen years. I recommend taking all three down a level. Please revise.[/list:u][/list:u]
        5. Your character’s general personality seems archetypal and basic. Staff would like to see it pushed and elaborated on further. I would recommend expanding on each trait that is listed as opposed to just listing them for a start. Please elaborate and/or revise.
        6. “- Sight-seeing, likes panoramic views.”
        This seems to conflict with your character’s fear of heights.
        7. The fears you list for your character don’t seem particularly note-worthy; they’re mostly common phobias. The list itself seems thrown in at the last minute and lacks depth and justification. Why these fears and not others? Why wouldn’t he be afraid of more abstract concepts such as failure, or trying new things? It’s also unclear if this list is meant to be exhaustive. As a whole, I find the list a bad idea as fears aren’t always very concrete things which can be comprised in a list. Please reconsider and revise.
        
        Overall, I see this general concept as having potential and I like how you're going in a different direction, but this wasn’t a very smooth read and I personally get the sense that I’m supposed to be familiar with something external (such as another text, or something cultural) to understand your character’s backstory. If this is the case, then you need to revise this so it is clear and explicit to all. Also, for emphasis: please pay extra attention to your use of tense for the sake of my sanity. That’s all, for now. Again, thanks for waiting patiently. Good luck.