[Demotheus]

[Michelle]

Thank you for waiting once again.

1. Point 1 in my previous post still applies. There has been an improvement; however, this time there is a lot of tense changing mid-paragraph and mid-sentence, particularly where you have made revisions in the backstory. There is also a lot of inconsistency when spelling Belle/Bell. Keep in mind that after editing and inserting new information it is always good to proofread again, especially after a few hours when you’ve been away from your work. Please revise.
2. Points 9 and 10 in my previous post also still apply. Even though you have specified an age for your character, you haven’t specified when your character got his tattoo. Thus, whether your character’s tattoo is realistic or not still cannot be determined. Please research, reconsider and revise. Also, a star or a pentagram still does not make sense lore-wise. Why this symbol, of all symbols? What is it supposed to represent? Please revise.
3. Point 8 from my previous point still applies to an extent. It still feels a bit unreasonable that the character would just run off with the first somewhat-friendly group he saw. It’s not the running off that’s unreasonable; it’s simply the fact that the caravan-ers were strangers. Also, if nothing was stopping Demotheus from leaving the tribe with the caravan-ers, then why didn’t simply Demotheus leave the tribe earlier on his own? What was stopping him? Please reconsider and revise.
4. Your character’s skill set needs to be more exhaustive and explicit. Currently, your character’s backstory mentions skills which aren’t listed in your character’s skillset, such as poison-making. Also, to what extent can your character paint? ‘Detailed work’ is described, but what does it entail? Can he blend colour? Manipulate brushstrokes? Can he paint realistic images, or is he limited to patterns? The same sort of questions can be applied to your character’s tool-crafting skill; examples are listed, but you need to be more exhaustive. Are knives, hammers and axes all he can make? What can’t he make? What is the general quality of his tools? Please revise and/or elaborate.

5. Personality issues: I’m seeing improvement, but there’s still a lot of depth and complexity missing in your character. You focus too strongly on your character’s extroversion and enthusiasm. You need to push further. In addition to the notes below, please refer to my comments on your character’s personality in my previous post (after point 12) for instruction.

• • a) “Responsible: He is not quick to blame others for things, especially when there is no proof of them having done it. Though, he can get suspicious at times he will not usually speak of it unless it becomes too bothersome. This came from when his first "love", Belle, died - or rather, was executed - for a crime that he believes she did not commit, as there was no real evidence of it. ”
    The description does not match the word here. Please revise.
    b) “Self Doubting: He doubts himself sometimes. If he's thinking about a past event that he was involved in that ended badly he will try and figure out if there was any way he could have done something differently, and at times "lives in the past" when he should focus on something more present.”
    Again, the description doesn’t match the word. Also, this is in direct conflict with your character’s apparent over-confidence; this isn’t to say your character must be one or the other at all times, but no link has been established. Furthermore, this is a symptom of depression and a symptom of PTSD. Thus, point 12 in my last post still applies. Please refer to it and revise accordingly.
    c) Your character’s ‘bad side’ is undeveloped. Please re-evaluate it, revise and/or elaborate on it. Keep in mind that all aspects of your character’s personality development should be demonstrated throughout your character’s backstory.[/list:u][/list:u]
    
    Out of the twelve points I mentioned in my previous post, exactly half of them still apply to your application; the other six which you completely revised were simple issues and plot holes. In my timezone, my last post was on the 2nd; your last edit was on the 10th. While it is understood that you could have been busy in those eight days, much more time could have been invested in this revision and you could have posted that it was ready on a later date.
    With the above in mind, it follows to say that this revision is disappointing, even more so as I was personally expecting you to have an approved character by map launch. Unfortunately, the only way I could help you achieve that is with my feedback, which is written with extreme exactitude and clarity in mind. Please take much more care in reading and responding to feedback in the future; much care is taken when it comes to writing it. You simply cannot submit a revision like this and expect to be approved under any circumstances, especially since you’re better than that.
    
    That’s all, for now. Good luck.

[Demotheus]

I had a huge thing here and I've decided not to argue, cause I'm probably wrong and even if I'm right this stuff won't be too hard to fix. I'll finish this today, hopefully.

[Demotheus]

Updated and ready for review, I think this time I will have gotten it right.

I tried to fix the grammar errors that I could find as well as I could, but I'm still unsure about it so I hope it's not a too huge of an issue.

I have elaborated on some of the skills more, namely Herbalism (mostly to include poisons ), painting and stone crafting.

I've removed the word "responsible" from the definition I associated it with, but not the definition itself. I can't find a general word to describe that, so it will remain the overall trait itself.

I've also made sure to include a little more elaboration and some changes in the backstory with regards to how he met the caravan and the process of deciding to go or not.

Hopefully I'll have a character now xD

Thanks.

[Michelle]

Thank you for waiting.

1. Skill issues:
a) Point 5a) in my last post still applies, to an extent. There are still skills in your character’s backstory which aren’t mentioned in your character’s skillset; my example of poison-making was not an exhaustive list (and I did not state it was). Please revise.
b) One advanced skill and four intermediate skills are considered too much for a twenty-four year old. I would personally take some of your character’s intermediate skills down a notch or two. Please revise.
c) Your character’s painting skill describes something too advanced to be intermediate. Furthermore, your character’s backstory does not explicitly mention any formal teaching of this skill. Please revise, and please also note that painting photorealistic images is an extremely difficult skill to learn. Even naturals require teaching.
d) Your character’s backstory states that he learnt to play the piccolo during the ages of six and ten. This amount of formal training is not enough to justify advanced skill. Please revise.
e) It does not make sense for your character to remember how to make poison after a long time doing other things, especially if he had no personal interest in remembering or learning it in the first place. This may even apply to the entire herbalism skill as a whole. Please reconsider and revise. The removal of poison-making is highly encouraged as there is currently no official lore for it.

2. Personality issues: as stated in point 4 of my previous post: “I’m seeing improvement, but there’s still a lot of depth and complexity missing in your character. You focus too strongly on your character’s extroversion and enthusiasm. You need to push further.” Try discussing your character’s personality in an overall contxt, under a new section. Consider and include more aspects of your character’s personality; there should be more. Please revise and/or elaborate.

We’re almost there. There are extra points in skill issues because I needed time to cross-check my points with other staff members (initially, I was much harsher). Keep at it, and be sure that all the points are addressed before you call for revision again. That’s all for now. Good luck.