[Michelle]

Apologies for the wait; for the record, don’t refer to stuff in ‘forum time’, as I change the default forum time to my time zone. That way, I know when something was actually posted. Next time, just name your time zone in GMT. Or don’t… I know America’s 14-16 hours behind me. A few things:

1. Your mechanical writing is acceptable, though there are still some grammatical errors in your character’s backstory. Revision of this is optional.
2. The backstory’s structure and content requires more cohesion and explicit detail; time is dealt with very vaguely, and as a result it is difficult to assess what exactly has happened to your character and when. For example, see point 3c). Please revise with the work’s overall structure in mind.
3. Skill issues:

• a) “It was after the inn was shut down that Valmythrall had an identity crises and tried to find suitable work, first trying to be a scholar, con man, and finally ending with trying to be an adventurer.” You bring this up in your character’s backstory a good few times, but you do not elaborate on what the character did specifically to try to be all these things. Did he look for a master? Try to obtain some books? How did he fail? Please elaborate and/or revise.
  b) You do not explicitly specify where and how your character was able to learn most of his skills (e.g. sleight of hand, archery). Please elaborate and/or revise.
  c) “He could no longer return to the safety within the walls of his original orphanage … He was without the money to raise a new home himself, nor would he have the skills.” This raises the question as to when your character learnt his skills, especially due to where this section is placed in the overall backstory. How was it that his original orphanage taught him nothing? Please revise while considering point 2.
  d) “History: Knows a general history of the Realms, more of it is ancient history as opposed to contemporary.” Please be more explicit as to what constitutes as ancient history. Note that the lore covers thousands and thousands of years; your character will not know Salazar, or perhaps even Rhise and Umbriae, or the War of Kane.

4. “His personality is supposed to be relatively under developed … He's also 16 so they wouldn't be too developed anyway. I mean, how well were your skills and personality developed at the age of 16?” This isn’t acceptable, and it can also be seen as very offensive; under no circumstances does young age equate to a lack of personality (or skill, necessarily). It might mean a lack of experience or responsibility (see this resource), but it doesn’t mean your character has no interests or personality outside what has already been established. If anything, being a 16 year old only gives your character more circumstance to base his personality on; it’s an easily ‘misunderstood’ age where you’re not quite considered an adult, but you’re not quite considered a child either. Thus, Point 2 in my previous point still applies. Please elaborate, and/or revise.

That's all. Good luck.

[Brewstone]

Generic: I tried adding more to the app instead of rewriting it but it ended up being like three pages so I just rewrote parts of it. Mainly I just changed the style a bit to be more descriptive and I added some parts to fill in the description I was missing.

1: Thanks, I'm stuck on an ipod so getting everything perfect is really difficult and the random autocorrects make things almost impossible.

2: I added ages and time frames for most major events, so that should be taken care of.


3: Skills

a: I added about a paragraph for each smaller job he took. Each involves why he chose it, how he performed it, and why he quit.

b: I removed archery, I have no idea why I had that in there. In addition, I added that he learned most of his other skills in and out of the orphanage, I can add more explicit detail but I think that the current form should be fine.

c: I just cut that part, after reading it again it didn't make much sense. Also I added where he learned his skills, see response 3b.

d: It's about 30 years worth. Which includes the "Age of Rebirth" section of the lore. This includes vague details on the end of the War, the leaving for the Forbidden Land, the Purge, and the Civil War.


4: I was trying to say that he didn't know who he was himself and that, compared to most 16yr olds, he was lacking even more personality and skills. I know that it's a rough time in most people's lives, and that he does have personality and skills, it's just from his life they're very muddled and not well formed. Similar to a block of marble that has been have sculpted, but isn't finished yet. However, I did add more personality to the backstory showing his persistence and kind nature, but he's still mildly sad, sort of like a kicked puppy.

[Michelle]

Almost there; there are mostly issues based on detail and realism left.

1. Your character’s backstory lacks information on your character’s life before the age of nine. That is, before he was affected by the Civil War. What was it like? What did he do? Was he taught anything? Please elaborate and/or revise.
2. 'There he found the innkeeper dead on the floor with a note for Valmythrall himself, “Leave town, or die in one week's time.”' This is too random to be considered realistic; it requires slightly more justification. Please elaborate and/or revise.
3. 'And when he had free time he, and a few other of the orphans, would sneak into town to get more practical lessons in knife fighting and camping.' Like the instance in the previous post, this requires slightly more elaboration and detail to be considered realistic. Where would one get lessons on such areas in a town? Why did the character want to learn these things? How did he feel about it? Please elaborate and/or revise.
4. Again, point two in my first post still applies; more personality information is required. Currently, a personality is slightly more evident and hinted at, but you need to be more explicit. Don’t leave anything ambiguous, as staff will later use this to assess whether you are playing your character accurately. If you’re concerned this will negatively impact the flow of the story, I would personally recommend describing the character’s personality in prose under a new section.

That’s all. Good luck.

[Brewstone]

General: I'm almost hesitant to finish this because once I'm done I won't actually be able to play for more than a weak and that I won't have a project to work on, oh well.

1. Added paragraph beginning with "Valmythrall was saddened by the lose of his home," It's the 4th paragraph.

2. I saw that this was a little too cliche, not well written, and wholly agree with you that it was awful. Instead I added the portion with the town Elder, and gave explanation for each person's thoughts and actions.

3. Added more explanation on where they went for each activity, added some feeling to Val' for each activity, and why he was willing to go about each activity.

4. Added an explicit personality file from my planning stage, it should be more than enough, hopefully.

[Michelle]

Apologies for the wait again, but thanks for waiting. With your new edits, some of your old issues have come up again.

1. Your character’s backstory requires proofreading, particularly in attention to sentence structure. This especially applies to any new edits you have made. Please revise.
2. Once again, the backstory’s structure and content requires more cohesion and explicit detail; time is dealt with very vaguely, and as a result it is difficult to assess what exactly has happened to your character and when. For example, what age was the character when he stayed with the inn keeper? When he left the inn? When he took the teaching job? Please revise.
3. “And when he had free time he, and a few other of the orphans, would sneak into town to get more practical lessons in knife fighting and camping.” There is still no explanation as to where one would obtain lessons on these areas in a town. Please revise and/or elaborate.

4. “However, don’t confuse kindness with politeness, he learned very, very, few manners during his time with his parents and at the orphanage so he is still a gem in the rough.
He always tries to be honest and this pairs with his lack of politeness, if you ask a question you might very well get an answer that you don't like.
However, Valmythrall will hardly, if ever, be intentionally cruel to someone to be honest. If someone asks a question about their appearance, for example, he does not find it cruel to tell them if they are ugly, it is simply something they want to know about.”
I find this difficult to believe with your character’s backstory. If his parents didn't teach him manners, and if his orphanage didn't teach him, then what about everyone else he worked for and talked with? Why wouldn’t he have learnt through trial and error in general social interaction? Please elaborate and/or revise.

That’s all for now. Good luck.