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[Whitelisted] Mythrell's application, Malcom.
#1
In Game Name(IGN):
Mythrell (Pronounced the same as Mithril from LoTR)

Why do you want to join?
It looks pretty fun and I literally cannot find another RP server that isn't marketed as an rpg.

Do you have any RP'ing experience?
I've done a bit here and there. But not really.

Tell us a bit about yourself:
I'm working on an English major, I enjoy FPS's a bit, Mass Effect was amazing. I play Minecraft a fair bit, it's rapidly becoming one of my favorite games.

Your Character Biography:
Malcom was his name. A gentleman of the streets, if you will. He was a rough and tumble kind of character and never could back down from a challenge. He spoke slowly, and slurred his voice, but those that knew him listened well and no one ever second guessed him. He was confident and fair, although he did make his money as a con-man. Born about twenty three years ago, Malcom grew up on the streets. He had the respect of many, but the friendship of few. His early years consisted of working in the tavern he was found in with a bottle of spiked milk under a table.

The tavern was in a city where everything was dark and the shady side of town was the only side of town. He worked hard, and was beaten more often than he will admit, but he kept his head down and found something that piqued his interest, the luck of the cards. As a simple serving boy, no one payed him any mind, so he watched as men fought and died over what happened on that table, all over the way the cards were laid. He saw some men cheat, and saw those same men beaten or killed. He saw some people play honorably, and saw them lose their life savings to those that weren't above a little bit of man-made luck.

The random chance and the potential for gain drew Malcom like a moth to a fire. At the age of sixteen, Malcom left the tavern and bought himself a pack of cards, and learned how to make them twirl and dance, so as to make all but the most skilled gamblers unable to see his tricks. It was all going perfectly, he had a source of income, but he was still lonely, he didn't have a single friend. Someone with his luck wasn't welcomed into many circles more than once, so he went on the road, moving from city to city, wherever he could find a card game. There were some incidents where people doubted his honesty, so he was forced to flee for his life, but always the allure of conning another mark drew him back in. All of this changed, the day that he met someone named Jesse.

The two were sitting at a high stakes poker game, and both flipped four aces on the final hand. Malcom had finally met his match. The two ran together, watching each others backs in whatever seedy side of town they found themselves in. Of course, like all stories, it had to end somewhere, this time, in a large town named Domina. Malcom managed to swindle a huge sum of money from a powerful man named Gerrard, an official of Domina, although he failed to notice at the time. A hit was put out on Malcom, and Jesse was unable to resist. One moment, Malcom was sleeping off a hangover in a back alley, the next he was being drug through a series of warehouses, until he was thrown into a deep prison, a place where the victim, or their punishments, were never meant to see the light of day. Luck had finally caught up with him, the day before he turned eighteen.

There were other prisoners with Malcom, and they spent their time planning revenge on the people that had put them their, a favorite saying of the prisoners was “ain’t got nothin’ but time to plan." Malcom met a few people in the locker that he believed could help him, an engineer with a skill in crafting weaponry who had betrayed Gerrard by making faulty weaponry and an Xitian demolitionist who had fought on the wrong side of a skirmish during the civil war.

For four years Malcom and his group of friends suffered in that hell hole, and Malcom thought of every horrible thing he could do to Jesse to make up for it. Punishments were frequent, and when he wasn't being tortured, he was forced to work in the prison's forge. The smoke filled room and close quarters with no ventilation was punishment enough, but if the guards found his work to be lacking, the next round of punishments would be worse. Pain was an effective teacher, and he slowly learned the blacksmiths craft, nothing fancy, but he could forge a blade and shackles. For four years he planned his escape and for four years he suffered ghastly punishments. Occasionally a healer with light blue eyes would be called in to heal the wounds of the prisoners, just so that they cold have another round of suffering. Malcom was forced into doing things he'll never talk about in that prison, but he managed to formulate a plan of escape.

The demolitionist was doused in water every hour to prevent him from using his innate powers to escape, so Malcom and the engineer had to dry him off and avoid the guards notice, and allow him to quickly dig a tunnel up and out, into freedom. At last his plan for escape came through, Malcom, the engineer, and the demolitionist managed to dry the Xitian off enough where he could once again use his powers over earth and fire and made a break for it. The prisoner's guards were only human and couldn't keep up. Arrows rained down upon the trio as they ran up a tunnel being dug out by the Xitian, Malcom took an arrow to the leg but managed to keep going. More than a few guards were killed in the escape, and Malcom killed more than his fair share. Brutally crushing a man's skull and using the limp body to slow pursuers. Things no one would want to discuss.

When they reached the surface, the citizens were amazed to see three ragged men emerge from a hole in the ground being chased by men in uniform. Officers of the law quickly arrived and tried to take Malcom and his crew into custody for questioning, but a little bit of running and shoving managed to let them escape without being taken back in. The engineer led the trio to a workshop where he gave Malcom a large crossbow, then Malcom took his leave, there was no reason for them to remain together, Malcom had one last thing to do before he went after Jesse.

He returned to Domina, and sought out Gerrard. Malcom met him in a dark alley, after leaving a message, telling that he knew where his fellow escapees were. Driven by rage for the loss of three of his most hated prisoners, Gerrard was glad to agree to the meeting. Gerrard walked into the alley, flanked by two guards, ready for anything. However, the guards Gerrard brought weren't enough, as Malcom emerged from a doorway and drove a bolt from the massive crossbow straight into Gerrard's skull from no more than three feet away. Malcom dropped the crossbow and ran, there was no way he could hold on to it and escape from the guards once more. Domina was a closed city to him, he was now wanted by both Gerrard's men and by the local militia. Malcom flew to the only place that he knew accepted outlaw's like him, the Forbidden Lands. He grabbed a deck of cards on his way out and managed to gamble for passage on a boat taking him to Alrock, some nowhere town where he hoped to escape notice. Malcom knew that Jesse would have to flee to the Forbidden Lands, and that when he did, Malcom would be waiting.

Specify your character's skills:
Gambling, sleight of hand: Advanced. Is able to hide four cards from most people and swap it in with relative ease.
Combat skills, apprentice. He spent time on the streets and in a prison full of thugs, he mostly knows how to fist fight, but can hold his own with a knife. It wasn't taught and he avoided fighting, so he isn't very skilled.
Blacksmithing, apprentice. Spent almost four years working in a prison forge crafting swords and various torture implements.


Personality:
Malcom is a stalwart character, he wants to treat everyone as they treat him, so long as he knows them. If you are in his circle of “friends”, then he will do everything to keep things even. 
Malcom would never have betrayed his friend Jesse, but now that he has been betrayed, he will stop at nothing to either make Jesse suffer the same agonies or kill him, just to keep things even. 
Malcom is not above a little bit of lying to get what he want, hence his cheating at cards, but he does not consider it lying, that's just fixing the odds and making some luck.
When Malcom lies, it is typically not malicious, he just believes that telling you what you want to hear will speed things along and get things done faster.
Before being imprisoned by Gerrard, Malcom used finesse instead of brute force, but since his incarceration he has become considerably more direct.
Malcom values equality amongst those he knows, no one begins on his bad side.
A debt owed is a dept to be repaid, he doesn't like anyone having control over him.
He looks upon everyone the same, another mark to be scammed, unless they prove otherwise.
Malcom is loathe to help violent criminals, he's had his fill of violence and is trying to save his rage for Jesse.
Using the D&D alignments, he would be chaotic neutral, the existing order's laws don't mean a whole lot, he'd rather avoid the law than help it, and he's always been on the shady side. It's more freedom of choice than true chaos.

Do your character bring anything to the setting (part from clothes)?
A vengeance for the time he lost in prison. (I'm sorry, I had to.)
A deck of standard playing cards.

Anything you'd like to add:
Thanks for reviewing my app, I hope to make it onto your server.
The formatting might not have transferred over properly from my writing it in MSWord, so I'd like to apologize if it's horrible.
#2
Welcome to Mesalia. I'm Michelle, and I'll be reviewing your application.
Overall, this was a smooth read and an interesting concept for a character. There's just a few common issues.

1. Skill issues:
  • a) Your character’s skills need some kind of indication of how skilled Malcom is. It’s best if you follow this skill guide; please read it and revise accordingly.
    b) You also don’t really need to mention your character’s general physical abilities as a skill. Again, see the skill guide for more on that.
    c) From the whitelist application thread:
    Characters considered difficult to play
    Thieves, murderers, villains, prostitutes and other types considered needing good roleplay skill to pull off we will rarely accept as someone's first character, if at all.

    Your character (a gambling con-man) is somewhere in this category. This is acceptable, but I would like to warn you that this is very difficult to RP here, especially in the town where the RP is set. You’ll probably find that your character will not have a lot to do in terms of his main occupation. I recommend that you either give your character backup skill and occupation that’s more practical, or be prepared to have your character learn and practice a new trade once you’re accepted, or go for another concept entirely. The choice is up to you.
    d)... Malcom drove a bolt from the massive crossbow between Gerrard's eyes.” Nothing in Malcom’s backstory or skills implies or says that he would know how to fire a crossbow with so much accuracy. How is this possible? Please revise/remove this.
2. Your character’s personality requires more detail. While Malcom’s backstory implies some aspects of his personality, we need a more concrete, detailed description because he’s looking a little archetypal. Please include a prose description of Malcom’s personality; just make it another section of your application. Consider things like the character’s faults, ambitions and values. What’s he like in different situations? How’s he different from the typical swindling con-man? When writing this description, be sure to also consider how Malcom’s life has shaped who he is.
3.Malcom managed to swindle a huge sum of money from a powerful man, an Xitian name Gerrard, an official of Domina, although he failed to notice at the time.” It’s very unlikely for an Xitian to escape the purge, let alone be in power thirty-one years after the Veld War (when Malcom was imprisoned). The Dusk Portal does not re-open until thirty-five years after Veld. Please revise this.

That’s all, for now. If you have any questions, feel free to ask them. Good luck.
[Image: a88823d4-5335-49cc-91b4-f8c511e214f8_zps...1409225114]
#3
Thanks Michelle, I was surprised I got such a quick response! My one question, before I start doing some editing is: I thought that there were still some Xitians left in the realm because of the civil war they caused? I understand that it might be something to be kept hidden from the public, how implausible is it that he couldn't be an Xitian? I can change the part without too much trouble, but I wanted to include some mentions to the lore specifically.

Anyway, thank you for the quick response, and I should get the revisions out in a day or so.
#4
Thanks for considering this a quick response! A lot of people leave if we can't get to it within hours.

There were Xitians left in the Middle Realm after the Purge: just not many. The ones that survived generally stayed in hiding to avoid being killed. This includes the ones behind the Civil War, who worked behind-the-scenes with bribery and whatnot (see the lore). It's implausible for Gerrard to be an Xitian because:
1. Xitians have red eyes; no other race has them. Unlike Lucins, they can't hide who they are while in public without blinding themselves.
2. Gerrard's in a position of public power to the point where he can put people in prison and have guards. This means people would be willing to listen to him in spite of his race... which is sadly not impossible, but unlikely enough for it to not pass without any explanation.

The simplest way to resolve this issue is to change the character's race, though if you wish you could write a few lines of justification into the story; I consider the latter more difficult because it can break the flow of the prose.

Hope that answers your question.
[Image: a88823d4-5335-49cc-91b4-f8c511e214f8_zps...1409225114]
#5
I'm surprised, if I'm not able to be able to update my post in a few hours after you posting, why should I hold you to that standard? Anyway, I copied your format from your reply so I could directly respond to each point.
1. Skill issues:
a) Fixed.
b) This kind of ties into point A, I'm worried that Malcom doesn't have enough skills, but I'm having trouble of thinking of any skills that would make sense with the story and be worth mentioning. I could use some feedback on this part, if you don't mind.
c) I saw that part of the whitelist application, but I don't want Malcom to be a very con-man con-man. I want him to desire revenge and learn some combat, and use his deck of cards to pass the time and earn enough of a living from gambling. I want to develop his personality and make relationships, not make the other players hate him because he steals all of their money.
d) I'm sorry, I meant to make it clear that it was from a very close range, I guess I forgot to mention that in the actual story XD. Anyway, I also mentioned in his skills that he doesn't have much combat skills, and that it is something he wants to practice, to be able to take his revenge.
2. I added a large personality portion, tell me if more or less or more detailed information is needed.
3. I changed him back to a regular official, if still corrupt and evil.
  


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[Whitelisted] Mythrell's application, Malcom.00