20-12-2014, 12:27 PM
(This post was last modified: 20-12-2014, 12:30 PM by SentaiPink.)
*An unassuming yet thick little brown book with small pages for careful writing has been made into a journal. Lapis's handwriting is clear, curly and as ornate as she likes to be.*
Mid fall AV41 [12/20/14]
Gran has always had a journal, that's what I've been told. She seems to find the writing cathartic and I'm hoping to find the same. I suppose I wanted to start writing because... my mother died. I miss her, I can't speak her name without hurting. But I don't get the luxury of being able to let myself break down, or let it ruin me like Zarkaylia and my father has.
He looked so sick when I saw him, my father. He'd lost weight, stopped taking care of himself and my siblings... His apprentice has been taking care of Copper, Knight, and Ruby... and he's crawled so deep into a bottle I fear he wont ever find his way out. He stinks of booze, and every smile is hallow and empty... I did what I could... I tried to comfort and talk to him, but it's impossible to console someone who's lost their world. To my father, I know that's what my mother was. He loved her deeply... I wish I could stay with him to help him through this. Help him recover, to be a father again... I hate this helplessness, and the obligations that force me to leave him like this.
Gran is also letting herself waste away in the aftermath of losing her best friend and adoptive sister. I never fully understood their relationship, to be honest I fight with Zark almost as much as I have my mother. She's not eating, pale and sick looking, she doesn't talk much, but mutters to herself... I worry for her mental well being. I worry if she's capable of coping with this loss... and what happens if she cannot. I can try to help her more, at least... Though I don't know how.
Bishop isn't doing much better. He's become quiet, mopey almost. The carefree spirit he's always had is a memory now. I'm not sure what will become of him, if he'll ever be like he was. He's quit the guard, and all I can do is encourage him to work in some way. In this case, his rune engineering. I got some supplies for him, I hope they're enough to see him through this... but I just don't know. At first he tried to be strong for me but it seems the opposite is now the case...
Ruby and Knight are possibly dealing with this best, but I can see the harm the loss of mother has caused each. Ruby has become obstinate and insubordinate. Unless father or Bishop yells at her she refuses to comply with anything she's told. Knight... is quiet, clearly sad and he simply follows his sister for lack of guidance on what to do otherwise. They need their father, but he seems lost... Leaving them like this is so hard for me...
Copper is not doing well, she suffers from episodes of confusion, disorientation and sometimes convulsions when overwhelmed. She scarcely leaves her bed, and hardly signs a word. She's lost both her parents before we adopted her, and now she has lost her mother yet again, and is watching her father waste away as a result... again. She's never much spoken of her past before now, but I can see why she is struggling so much. I try to offer what comfort I can but I don't think I even believe everything will be even close to how it was... Or that father will recover...
Zai I don't think knows what to do or say to anyone. She's grown quite, mother was her teacher and friend. She loved her, and is struggling with this just like the rest of us. She is hurting, I can tell that much. For her, I have the most hope.
That leaves me. I can't express how it hurts to know she's gone. That so many suffer as a result... but as much hurt as that causes, it pales compared to knowing I never apologized to her for the terrible things I've said in the past. That I never told her I forgave her for mistakes made and hard choices she had to make... that I loved her.
*There's stains on the paper, ink smeared around.*
I think my mother died loving me, but not knowing I loved her back. And I have to carry that with me until the end of my days. I don't know how... how I can bare all this and what I've done in the past. But I press on. I try to help those around me because I know there is no help for myself.
There are no second chances.
Mid fall AV41 [12/20/14]
Gran has always had a journal, that's what I've been told. She seems to find the writing cathartic and I'm hoping to find the same. I suppose I wanted to start writing because... my mother died. I miss her, I can't speak her name without hurting. But I don't get the luxury of being able to let myself break down, or let it ruin me like Zarkaylia and my father has.
He looked so sick when I saw him, my father. He'd lost weight, stopped taking care of himself and my siblings... His apprentice has been taking care of Copper, Knight, and Ruby... and he's crawled so deep into a bottle I fear he wont ever find his way out. He stinks of booze, and every smile is hallow and empty... I did what I could... I tried to comfort and talk to him, but it's impossible to console someone who's lost their world. To my father, I know that's what my mother was. He loved her deeply... I wish I could stay with him to help him through this. Help him recover, to be a father again... I hate this helplessness, and the obligations that force me to leave him like this.
Gran is also letting herself waste away in the aftermath of losing her best friend and adoptive sister. I never fully understood their relationship, to be honest I fight with Zark almost as much as I have my mother. She's not eating, pale and sick looking, she doesn't talk much, but mutters to herself... I worry for her mental well being. I worry if she's capable of coping with this loss... and what happens if she cannot. I can try to help her more, at least... Though I don't know how.
Bishop isn't doing much better. He's become quiet, mopey almost. The carefree spirit he's always had is a memory now. I'm not sure what will become of him, if he'll ever be like he was. He's quit the guard, and all I can do is encourage him to work in some way. In this case, his rune engineering. I got some supplies for him, I hope they're enough to see him through this... but I just don't know. At first he tried to be strong for me but it seems the opposite is now the case...
Ruby and Knight are possibly dealing with this best, but I can see the harm the loss of mother has caused each. Ruby has become obstinate and insubordinate. Unless father or Bishop yells at her she refuses to comply with anything she's told. Knight... is quiet, clearly sad and he simply follows his sister for lack of guidance on what to do otherwise. They need their father, but he seems lost... Leaving them like this is so hard for me...
Copper is not doing well, she suffers from episodes of confusion, disorientation and sometimes convulsions when overwhelmed. She scarcely leaves her bed, and hardly signs a word. She's lost both her parents before we adopted her, and now she has lost her mother yet again, and is watching her father waste away as a result... again. She's never much spoken of her past before now, but I can see why she is struggling so much. I try to offer what comfort I can but I don't think I even believe everything will be even close to how it was... Or that father will recover...
Zai I don't think knows what to do or say to anyone. She's grown quite, mother was her teacher and friend. She loved her, and is struggling with this just like the rest of us. She is hurting, I can tell that much. For her, I have the most hope.
That leaves me. I can't express how it hurts to know she's gone. That so many suffer as a result... but as much hurt as that causes, it pales compared to knowing I never apologized to her for the terrible things I've said in the past. That I never told her I forgave her for mistakes made and hard choices she had to make... that I loved her.
*There's stains on the paper, ink smeared around.*
I think my mother died loving me, but not knowing I loved her back. And I have to carry that with me until the end of my days. I don't know how... how I can bare all this and what I've done in the past. But I press on. I try to help those around me because I know there is no help for myself.
There are no second chances.