01-01-2015, 08:38 AM
(This post was last modified: 01-01-2015, 08:53 PM by SentaiPink.)
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Thread Rating:
Hutchy
Lord-Oberleutnant Hutchenstein I, Protector of the Realm, Hater of Juvenile-Technicolour-Horses
Lord-Oberleutnant Hutchenstein I, Protector of the Realm, Hater of Juvenile-Technicolour-Horses
Hello, Mystia. I'm Hutchy and I'll be helping you through whitelisting.
Also, can I ask that you highlight your changes in a different colour?
That's all for now. Bump the thread when you're finished with the edits and we can continue.
- First, I’ll need to to clarify the units of measurement used in the character’s description. Currently, you use royal feet, which are different to regular feet in size. Using your description (and google) I’ve ascertained that her height of ‘midway over 6 royal feet’ is around 6’9. I’m not sure if this is intended, but for clarity and accessibility, I must ask that you convert this into feet and inches and/or metres.
That in mind, when converting to more common units, I must ask that you keep in mind that currently your character seems to be unrealistically massive in pretty much every category. I have to ask that you keep in mind our stance on realism, even when it comes to the dimensions of our characters. In other words, please tone it down a little.
Finally, if this is the result of her peoples’ apparent size as evidenced by how people outside their kingdom describe them, again, I have to ask that you tone this down overall and keep in mind the kind of medieval-esque period we’re aiming for, meaning that people of that size would be one in a million and likely the result of then unknown medical conditions, and not making up the population of a nation.
- Next, I need to ask that you include more relation to the server’s lore, which can be found here, in your backstory. At the age of 40, the character would have been around during the Purges and the Civil War. If these events took place far away from her home and didn’t affect her directly, hearing it by word of mouth or seeing the aftermath in some way is necessary.
- The backstory seems to focus more on the realm the character is a part of rather than the character herself. You need to shift this to focus on the character and how the events described within the current backstory affected her and made her the woman she is when she enters the setting.
Additionally, with a story like this, you may be better served making a lore proposal here detailing the history of these people rather than cramming it all into the backstory of your character.
Also, can I ask that you highlight your changes in a different colour?
That's all for now. Bump the thread when you're finished with the edits and we can continue.
Mystia_Lorlei
Junior Member
Junior Member
01-01-2015, 06:22 PM
(This post was last modified: 01-01-2015, 08:31 PM by Mystia_Lorlei.)
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Hutchy
Lord-Oberleutnant Hutchenstein I, Protector of the Realm, Hater of Juvenile-Technicolour-Horses
Lord-Oberleutnant Hutchenstein I, Protector of the Realm, Hater of Juvenile-Technicolour-Horses
01-01-2015, 08:10 PM
Alright, I’ve read through your post and will reply to each point in turn.
It seems you may have misunderstood our definition of a character backstory. What we want from your character’s backstory is a description of the character’s life and experiences that lead them to be who they are when they arrive in the RP setting, the Forbidden Lands. This means that there can be no vague answers and no ambiguity, if it has happened to the character, it must be described in the backstory.
Additionally, it is important that you focus on the character, the character and the character. For a while she just disappears, then reappears and we know next to nothing about what has happened to her in this time, and what we do know has happened we don’t see affecting her on a personal level.
These things are necessary to making your character’s backstory acceptable, and is lacking in both, which is why I asked you to remedy this by focussing on the character and separating matters of state, which she has no input in, from her character development.
We take a very harsh stance toward meta-gaming, especially when it comes to other peoples’ characters. If you haven’t told someone IC something about your character, you can expect the other person’s character not to know these things. If you suspect someone of meta-gaming, you need only contact myself or another member of staff, it is all in the rules section of the forum here.
Next, I still ask that you use more clear cut and less obscure units of measurement, as not everyone will know what a royal foot is and will need to consult the ‘Google Archives’ to figure out the difference between a royal foot, feet and inches, and metres, because as you can see, even after a quick translation of units, I still wasn’t able to figure out just how tall this person is. So please, if not for me then for everyone that is going to interact and learn about your character in the future, use a more commonplace unit of measurement.
Indeed though, 6’+ isn’t massively impossible, we’re still talking about a medieval-esque setting where not everyone is a healthy size as people are today. Nutrition necessary to reach such prodigious size still isn’t as readily available, if more so than real medieval times, as it is in the time where 6’+ and 200lbs+ is the norm. That in mind, you’ve described the people of the mountain, living in harsh cold, and especially your character, as being secluded and that no one’s seen them outside their kingdom. This to me says that they have most no farm land on which to grow the food she needs to eat to gain the nutrition to grow to such sizes, which, again to me, says that reaching that size is further made unlikely. The height she is isn’t wholly unreasonable, but you need to remember that you’re describing her people as living in a part of the world entirely unsuitable for farmland, and that this character would need to eat what she can get like it’s a full time job to get close to that size… as well as a handy dose of blessed genetics.
Speaking of which, the female body and how muscle works on them must be accounted for. The healthy weight of a 6’4 female is in the area of 160lbs-180lbs, meaning that she’s got an overweight excess of over 60lbs of muscle and body fat on her, which without special dietary aid or drug use, is practically unobtainable for a woman, especially in the way you describe her as being something of a brick shithouse. Women are naturally lighter built than men, who themselves would have trouble getting this big in the period, and have to work harder to accrue muscle mass because of how female hormones work on their body, making them more retentive of body fat rather than muscle mass, hence why you don’t see many female bodybuilders that haven’t been injecting copious amounts of steroids into their achilles. This is why I called her size and build into question, and I seriously urge you to consider this when you make your edits.
Finally, you may have eluded to the beginnings of the Civil War in your post, but to someone who doesn’t know everything about how your peoples’ culture works, what they call things and without a hint of progression in your story (we usually use the character’s age for this reason) no one but the writer knows what any of it means. Which is why I need you to use the terms ‘Civil War’, ‘Purge’, ‘Forbidden Lands’ as they’re written, because anyone could read over that and have no idea at all what you mean and thereby avoid confusing the reader or losing their interest entirely.
As for how best to proceed with a lore proposal, I would recommend you consult with out lore keeper.
And as a last note before I let you get to your edits… people before you have had no problem with my points being vague, so I’m not sure how you have had trouble understanding them as they have. I’m sorry that you had trouble interpreting my points, and hope that this will answer your questions and allow you to properly correct your app as I’ve asked you to.
Like before, bump your thread when you're ready for grading to continue.
It seems you may have misunderstood our definition of a character backstory. What we want from your character’s backstory is a description of the character’s life and experiences that lead them to be who they are when they arrive in the RP setting, the Forbidden Lands. This means that there can be no vague answers and no ambiguity, if it has happened to the character, it must be described in the backstory.
Additionally, it is important that you focus on the character, the character and the character. For a while she just disappears, then reappears and we know next to nothing about what has happened to her in this time, and what we do know has happened we don’t see affecting her on a personal level.
These things are necessary to making your character’s backstory acceptable, and is lacking in both, which is why I asked you to remedy this by focussing on the character and separating matters of state, which she has no input in, from her character development.
We take a very harsh stance toward meta-gaming, especially when it comes to other peoples’ characters. If you haven’t told someone IC something about your character, you can expect the other person’s character not to know these things. If you suspect someone of meta-gaming, you need only contact myself or another member of staff, it is all in the rules section of the forum here.
Next, I still ask that you use more clear cut and less obscure units of measurement, as not everyone will know what a royal foot is and will need to consult the ‘Google Archives’ to figure out the difference between a royal foot, feet and inches, and metres, because as you can see, even after a quick translation of units, I still wasn’t able to figure out just how tall this person is. So please, if not for me then for everyone that is going to interact and learn about your character in the future, use a more commonplace unit of measurement.
Indeed though, 6’+ isn’t massively impossible, we’re still talking about a medieval-esque setting where not everyone is a healthy size as people are today. Nutrition necessary to reach such prodigious size still isn’t as readily available, if more so than real medieval times, as it is in the time where 6’+ and 200lbs+ is the norm. That in mind, you’ve described the people of the mountain, living in harsh cold, and especially your character, as being secluded and that no one’s seen them outside their kingdom. This to me says that they have most no farm land on which to grow the food she needs to eat to gain the nutrition to grow to such sizes, which, again to me, says that reaching that size is further made unlikely. The height she is isn’t wholly unreasonable, but you need to remember that you’re describing her people as living in a part of the world entirely unsuitable for farmland, and that this character would need to eat what she can get like it’s a full time job to get close to that size… as well as a handy dose of blessed genetics.
Speaking of which, the female body and how muscle works on them must be accounted for. The healthy weight of a 6’4 female is in the area of 160lbs-180lbs, meaning that she’s got an overweight excess of over 60lbs of muscle and body fat on her, which without special dietary aid or drug use, is practically unobtainable for a woman, especially in the way you describe her as being something of a brick shithouse. Women are naturally lighter built than men, who themselves would have trouble getting this big in the period, and have to work harder to accrue muscle mass because of how female hormones work on their body, making them more retentive of body fat rather than muscle mass, hence why you don’t see many female bodybuilders that haven’t been injecting copious amounts of steroids into their achilles. This is why I called her size and build into question, and I seriously urge you to consider this when you make your edits.
Finally, you may have eluded to the beginnings of the Civil War in your post, but to someone who doesn’t know everything about how your peoples’ culture works, what they call things and without a hint of progression in your story (we usually use the character’s age for this reason) no one but the writer knows what any of it means. Which is why I need you to use the terms ‘Civil War’, ‘Purge’, ‘Forbidden Lands’ as they’re written, because anyone could read over that and have no idea at all what you mean and thereby avoid confusing the reader or losing their interest entirely.
As for how best to proceed with a lore proposal, I would recommend you consult with out lore keeper.
And as a last note before I let you get to your edits… people before you have had no problem with my points being vague, so I’m not sure how you have had trouble understanding them as they have. I’m sorry that you had trouble interpreting my points, and hope that this will answer your questions and allow you to properly correct your app as I’ve asked you to.
Like before, bump your thread when you're ready for grading to continue.
Mystia_Lorlei
Junior Member
Junior Member
01-01-2015, 08:31 PM
Upon Further review, and discussion with a few former members of the community about the state of the administration and the information I've been provided, I must regretfully withdraw my application out of private concerns.
Whilst I do thank you for time in reviewing this application, I must request this post be removed. Perhaps if the server shifts and changes I'd be happy to re-apply, I shall be watching it eagerly!~
My thanks for the time spent, I do thank you though for your insights!
Love
Mystia <3
Whilst I do thank you for time in reviewing this application, I must request this post be removed. Perhaps if the server shifts and changes I'd be happy to re-apply, I shall be watching it eagerly!~
My thanks for the time spent, I do thank you though for your insights!
Love
Mystia <3