[Barnabas_E]

[Michelle]

Welcome to Mesalia, and apologies for the wait. I'm Michelle, and I'll be looking at your application.

1. Your character's backstory requires more detail overall. Specifically, it has far too many gaps between sections. For example, between 'family' and 'early life' it jumps from his birth to the age of ten. Ironically, this skips a lot of the character’s early life. Please revise and be more explicit. See point 3d) and 4c) below for more details as to how the time skips leave ambiguity in your work.
2. Presentation issues: these are listed to ensure the information in your application is easier to read and review.

• a) Your application requires more thorough proofreading. Please revise.
  b) Your application's formatting could also use improvement. I recommend organising your information with the forum's typographical options.[/list:u]
  3. Realism issues:
  • a) "So she ran. to the only place she knew. her husband's haven. that dark mine he had hid in everyday before coming to her dark miserable house." If they're married, why do they hide/live in separate places? This isn't to say a married couple can't be physically separated, but this seems to have no reason behind it. Please revise.
    b) Also, why is the father not given a name? Considering your character has a surname and his mother seemed to know him, it would be more realistic if he knew his father's name at the very least. Please reconsider and revise.
    c) On the subject of names, "Mark Simeon" is considered too modern of a name for a RP setting that is vaguely medieval. Please revise. I personally recommend "Markus" or "Marcus" as alternatives.
    d) Why was Mark made to mine as a child? Logically, there seems to be no reason for him to; minerals would not benefit a mother and son who live in a mine in the wilderness. It seems the implication is that they lived elsewhere at this time, but due to the gaps in the backstory, I can’t confirm this. Please revise and clarify.
    e) ” Hester passed away at the age of 46. no one knew her. no one knew how she died. And yet mark`s heart was broken.” How did Mark not know how she died? Even if he wasn’t present at her death, it doesn’t make sense for his mother to simply collapse and die without warning signs. Please revise.
    [/list:u]
    4. Lore issues: these are listed to ensure you character fits smoothly within the RP setting. It is recommended that you re-read the lore more thoroughly before revising your application.
    • a) “He stood by as the slavery continued for the remainder of his 18th year , watching spring come and go and listening to the rustling of the trees. he spied on the town and listened to the crack of whips beat down on his kinsmen.” If your character is 45 years old, then the slavery would not have ended when he was 18. Please revise.
      b) Your character’s backstory lacks sufficient mention of the civil war. Please revise.
      c) “The sail to the forbidden lands was coming. Mark would go, or die in bondage.” This, plus the lack of relation the civil war and the time skip to your character’s journey implies that the character left the mainland at the age of 18. This isn’t acceptable as the journey to the Forbidden Lands wouldn’t last 27 years. Also, your character must arrive to the Forbidden Lands alone as this is where the RP is set.[/list:u]
      
      That’s all, for now. I would like to stress that this is not an exhaustive list of feedback; more will come on other points in later posts. Currently, there are too many other applicants waiting for their feedback for me to be able to provide you with a more comprehensive review at this time. Thank you for your co-operation in this matter. Good luck.

[Barnabas_E]

Michelle
I may have misunderstood the lore but surely my character is trying to escape the slavery by taking a boat away?
also sorry about the last lore point will ad his life in the forbidden land for 27 years

[Barnabas_E]

[Conradian]

Hey Barnabas,
Just thought I'd jump in whilst Michelle is probably busy and let you know the basic timeline of recent events.
-Xitians enslaved the Middle Realm 67 years ago
-Lucins return to the Middle Realm and War of Veld begins 37 years ago
-War of Veld ends 27 years ago and purge happens three years later.
-Civil war breaks out across the mainland 14 years ago.

Basically journey's to the forbidden lands didn't really start until after the War of Veld was concluded. Your character would more likely have remained on the mainland until more recent years and headed over sooner to the current timeframe.

What this means is that your backstory really needs more relation to the events in the short timeline above, since your character would have lived through all of them, bar the beginning of the slavery.

-Conrad, Lore-Keeper of Mesalia