1. Your application now requires proofreading, particularly in regards to sentence structure and spelling. Please revise this.
2. Point four in my last post still applies. The character's backstory, as well as his personality, requires much more detail. How did the character survive between the ages of 12 and 18? What did his mother die from? How did his family die in the civil war? Where did he learn his skills? Why these skills, and not something else? Why did he decide to travel to the forbidden lands? Please don't answer just these questions; they're merely some examples. Please revise and elaborate overall.
3. Lore issues:
a) Xitians would not explicitly control a town in the time that your character was alive. Please re-read the lore and revise this.
b) Point 3 in my previous post still applies. Your character is just arriving at the Forbidden Lands, which is the RP setting. Given our current map situation at Mesalia, please do not confirm details as to where in the Forbidden Lands your character may end up, or what your character's life is there in their backstory. When your character sets foot on the Forbidden Lands, the RP will start and the backstory will end. Thus, your character's backstory should end with them just arriving at the Forbidden Lands, and nothing more. I can not stress this further. Please revise.[/list:u]
4. Skill issues:
a) Being able to make armour and weapons would most likely make your character a simple blacksmith. Please revise.
b) Point 5 from my previous post still applies. Please specify the extent of your character's skills.
c) As stated before, his skills are unsupported. Where did he learn these skills?[/list:u]
This is in some ways an improvement from before, but not by much as many issues mentioned before are still relevant to your application. Again, I suggest you browse here for an example of our expectations.
Fuck this shit, I'm gonna look for another server where i don't need to make an application, like it was for College or an University. It's a game guys, some people out there like me just wants to play and don't got the skills to make an essay like this. Obviously this server require these qualifications, but I spent all my time and years in school learning English so I could play and communicate in games like these, but that's evidently not enough these days. I'm not good at writing storys like these, and I can't help it. I just want some fun, and this is what I have been practising for all my life in school, but just to get rejected and beeing told to make it better, even though i can't. Please guys, this is what I have spent my time practising to, and I can't make it better. I'm not that intelligent nor clever to do so. The only thing I am good at, is English, and it's not even my first language, but I have started from point zero to be as good as this at English, and that's what I have been doing all my childhood. It had only got more difficult for me because of my low intelligence level, but I thought it was worth it, so I could be in contact with the world... So I kept on practising. I hope this will start some thoughts in you'r head, think about it.
I'm not going to bug you anymore, here, have my apologize. I'm not blaming you for anything, but the system. Have a nice day. I'm out.
There's no need to rage or swear. Everyone on the server, including every member of staff, has had to go through the same process and has come through the other side. Michelle's job is to grade and offer advice on how to improve in order to create a character that will be worthwhile and fulfilling to play on our server.
I'm sorry to hear you won't be continuing your application, and I wish you luck finding a good role-play server without an application format.
Why do you want to join?
I want to learn from the most professional RPers, and you guys are the ones I took a liking to. Plus the lore for this server is more unique than most.
Do you have any RP'ing experience?
I have RPed on The Chronicles of Haeriven, another serious RP server.
Tell us a bit about yourself:
Well, my name is Shai, I'm not what you would call a 'professional' in anything. I'm still quite young, and some may call me immature. I accept that title. I may not be the most likable person, but I don't argue much, if at all. I like to make up things in my head, as I have a vivid imagination. Well, anyways, time for the actual app, I guess.
Your Character Biography:
Wendell was an ordinary Mesalian. He didn't have any distinguishing features, other than the fact that he was always very cheerful, and his extraordinary sense of hearing. He inherited the great sense of hearing from his grandfather, often called, The Listening Warrior. His grandfather was blinded in an accident during one of the wars. However, he could fight just as well as someone who could see. Wendell did not have such a talent as he did, but he could hear better than your average person. His family cared dearly for him, and wanted him to be successful and self-sufficient. His father taught him survival skills, such as hunting and plant gathering, while his mother taught him how to prepare meals and also proper manners in public. The extended sense of hearing really helped with his hunting. He was mostly intrigued by the hunting, as he had always wanted to be one of the town guards. When he reached the age of 16, he was hired on as a lookout. He didn't get much excitement out of it. His town was surprisingly untouched by the slavery. The town was almost unheard of by the Xitians, and overlooked due to the lack of Lucins and low threat.The town was hoping to not be involved in the conflict of the War of Veld. Sadly, it seemed that one of the Mesalians had given away the town's location to a Xitian in exchange for riches. At the age of 17, Wendell experienced the true nature of battle. Wendell was standing in his usual watchtower, when he heard the first fire start. The battle only lasted an hour, with most of the villagers not even trying to fight back. His brother, who had just come back from another Mesalian attack in the West, did most of the fighting. Wendell's family were badly burned in the chaos, almost all of them dying in the brunt of the assault. His brother died shortly after the battle, from the burns, as he had protected Wendell from the assault. Wendell was not alone, though. Him and his uncle had survived the assault. He resented his uncle greatly for not protecting the family, as he had been a great warrior. Most days, he would just cry. He would cry for his friends, for his family. Wendell and his uncle were in slavery for 6 long months, and their slavemaster burned them badly. One day, during those 6 months, Wendell shirked his duties, as he was preoccupied thinking about what he could have done to prevent this, to protect his family. The result was absolutely deadly. Wendell was burned only half as bad as his uncle was, but it was enough. Wendell was burned, almost to the point of not being recognizable, and left for dead out in the woods. For years, he stayed in those woods, struggling to survive by the skills his father had taught him. He took the knife from a dead explorer he found, and lived off of field mice, squirrel, and the occasional dead rabbit. He was oblivious to the happenings outside of those woods, such as his uncle finally succumbing to burn wounds, the Lucins that had come to the rescue, and won the war, and even The Purge. For 13 years, he stayed in those woods, undiscovered. One day, he was discovered by an adventuring Mesalian, who took him to one of the main cities, where his burn wounds, quite healed, but swollen, could be treated. The healer was a regular Mesalian, and couldn't help too much. All she could do was bandage the burn wounds all over his body. At the end of the treatment, Wendell was the equivalent of a mummy. ( I say this OOC because I can fairly assume that the Mesalians knew nothing abouy mummies) From then on, Wendell didn't know what to do. Eventually, he decided to wander around. It was then that he discovered his extraordinary sense of hearing. He was walking along one day, when he heard a scream for help. He went as fast as he could to where he had heard it. A man was being robbed of his belongings by a thief. Wendell cried out for help, and a guard ran there quickly and detained the thief. He thanked Wendell for his loud warning, and suggested him to be a lookout. Unfortunately, rebellion had started in the city. He listened to the gossip, the resent as he walked by people. The Civil War had begun. Wendell ran as fast as he could out of the city. He was already 30 at this point. For 12 years, Wendell travelled from home to home of Mesalians separated from the cities and towns where war was ensuing. The kind ones allowed him to stay, and the others sent him along on his way. Eventually, he decided to go on a boat to the Forbidden Lands. He hoped he would be able to find a home there. Perhaps he would go into cooking, or be a lookout again. The possibilities didn't range too much for a 42 year old man. He clinged on to the hope that he would be able to find a family.
Personality
As of now, Wendell is not in the best shape emotionally. Whenever he sees a happy family, as soon as he's out of view, he will break into tears. He tries his best to not show his emotions in public, as was taught by his mom, but sometimes he'll just break down. The hardest death for him was his father, who had always had time to spend with Wendell. When he saw his father's body, charred and smoking, something inside him broke. When talking to people, he'll usually be out-going, albeit a bit at loss for words. If confronted and verbally abused, he will reserve his anger and release it on a tree trunk, or something like that. If they're close enough, and not whispering, Wendell would be able to hear the verbal abuse that people tell behind his back. He'll mostly be more sorrowful than angry, as he is not an aggressive person. He treasures friends, as he has been alone for a majority of his life. Any act of kindness would cheer the guy up. In an overview, you could call Wendell a big child.
Specify your character's skills:
Hearing: He has a great sense of hearing, able to hear most things around him if they're loud enough.
Hunting: He is still at a low level with it, but he can handle himself well with a knife.
Cooking: His mother only touched on it a little bit, but he can prepare your average stew, albeit a bit chunky.
Does your character bring anything to the setting (part from clothes)?
Nothing except the clothes on his back, which aren't much to look at either.
Anything you'd like to add:
I will not be able to play on the March Break, as I am going to visit my relatives. I will be gone at Sunday. I also understand the difficult things that you guys go through on the server itself, so if I am failed, I won't get too angry.
EDIT: Well, if this one fails, that's alright. I can always try to make a new one after the March Break.
EDIT 2: Feeling close to cracking this. I can see the light!
Welcome to Mesalia; as you most likely know, I'm Michelle. I'll be reviewing your application, and I will try my best to see this application accepted by Sunday for you. I would like to stress that any criticism of your work from me is not a personal attack on you. This process is to ensure you have a strong sense of a character who fits into the setting, and will provide fruitful, enjoyable RP for you and for the community.
1. It has been 27 years since the war of Veld. If your character is 23, he would not have been old enough to live through the war of Veld or the slavery. Please revise your character's backstory to suit this information.
2. Please provide a detailed description of your character's personality. Consider how the events in his life would have helped shape this personality.
3. "For 13 years, he stayed in those woods, undiscovered. One day, he was discovered by an adventuring Mesalian, who took him to one of the main cities, where his burn wounds, which still hadn't healed, could be treated." You are welcome to debate this, but thirteen years seems to be a very long time for burns to heal. Furthermore, how did these burns remain uninfected throughout this time?
3. Skill issues:
a) The strong sense of hearing seems to have come out of nowhere. How did he not notice this before? Was he simply born with this, or was it somehow the result of something? Please elaborate on this.
b) There are some parts in your character's backstory which imply your character has a few minor skills (such as hunting) outside the one field mentioned. Please ensure your skill set is exhaustive.
c) With the minor skills in mind, I would still advise that you give your character another, more prominent skill. This is not only to ensure that he is balanced, but also to ensure he has a way to make a living should he have to. This point is completely optional, but recommended.[/list:u]
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