20-07-2014, 02:43 PM
Hello, BluJay. I'm Hutchy and I'll be helping you through whitelisting.
That's all for now. Bump this thread when you have finished the necessary edits and we can continue.
- ‘But her Village called him a Warrior for reasons Unknown to Hera.’ While it’s not unreasonable to leave the reasons unknown to the character, we need to know these details to judge the realism of the backstory. Please elaborate.
- ‘when she was a teenager’ We’ve lost a lot of time here. The story jumps from what I assume is her very early years to her teenage ones. We need a description of events that took place in this time as this is arguably the most vital time for character development. Please elaborate.
- ‘carrying Buckets of water for a two miles.’ A few problems here. First, a child would find it very difficult to carry buckets of water for more than a few feet. Also, why would these people settle so far from a water source, which they would know they need.
- ‘Her Mother died of Disease, at the age of 43.
Her Father Died soon after’ We don’t see any reaction at all from the character here. For anyone, the death of both parents within a year of each other would hit like a train carrying trucks carrying tons of bricks and have a massive impact on them. We need to know how she reacted here, because at this moment, her reaction is mute, and it would be far from that.
That's all for now. Bump this thread when you have finished the necessary edits and we can continue.
